Episode #76: Breaking Free: Healing from Toxic Relationships & Choosing Yourself with Alana Brennan

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Welcome back to another episode of the Fully Expressed podcast. Today, we have such a special guest. Her name is Alana Brennan. She’s originally from a small town in Hawaii, grew up in a family marked by both love and conflict. She’s passionate about surfing and became a professional athlete and surfer by the age of 18, traveling the world in pursuit of her dream. Her journey of self-discovery and healing, which eventually led her to California, where she embraced single motherhood and found strength in sharing her story. Today, Alana is focused on healing through connection, love, and inspiring others by sharing her truth.s
Yes. Thank you. Welcome. Thank you so much. Sharing your truth. I can’t wait to dive in. Yes. There’s so much. It’s a car. Even when I wrote this in the middle to you guys, I was like, I’m just going to start, I guess, from the beginning because I didn’t really have like one pinpoint of this is the one thing to where I am now, which is still becoming fully expressed because I don’t believe that, you know, ever really. We’re never done. That’s right.
Evolution.
Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Oh, it’s really cool as you have been. And are you still doing professional surfing?
No, I’m not professional any longer. Still surfing as much as I can, obviously, because it’s the passion and the love in my sport. But I think my last paycheck from surfing was, let’s say, gosh, the years go by so quickly, don’t they? My daughter is 10. So let’s say 13 years ago, it’s probably like my last check that I got from surfing. So it’s been a little while and I’ve been now in a corporate space a bit more than, I’m grateful for it, so I’m not going to say that. I am in a corporate space and it provides us a very safe life for right now. Yes, yes, yes. So take us
back to when you were young. I mean, we mentioned a little in the bio, obviously, there’s so many of us grew up in homes with lots of love yet traumatic experiences. But maybe let’s start at like, you’re 18 years old. You’re a grown woman. I’m using quotations because we’re not really grown. Yeah, we think we are. Exactly. And you have this desire to be a professional surfer. You grew up in Kauaii so
Yeah, we think we
up on the big island and on kawaii okay got it so born on the big island family was there for a long while my dad moved to kawaii when i was in about fifth grade then from then on it was half and half and then i ended up spending quite a bit of time on kawaii as an adult um yeah the dream of becoming a professional surfer probably started at the age of 11 or 12. Because growing up in Hawaii, you’re either in the ocean or you’re doing something in the country. So it’s either mountains or ocean or both. I grew up right by the ocean and that was kind of the dream that I had. My dad was a surfer. Everyone I was surrounded by were surfers. And I think around 12, I was like, this is my sport and thing I want to do. And then as you do, once you have a motivation, you just fight for that as much as you can. And when I was 14, I got sponsored by Billabong and I felt like my dream had come true already. I was like, this is it. All everything has happened. Exactly. I made it. And then competitions like amateur competitions throughout middle school and high school had a couple victories, learned how to lose really well also. And then by 18, I had like a professional athletes contract from Billabong, which was really the dream come true because I got accepted to college. My dad wanted me to go to college. the dream come true because I got accepted to college. My dad wanted me to go to college. But then I also had this contract that wouldn’t allow me to go to college had I accepted it.
So clearly I took the contract, which was surfing around the world. And at that time, we didn’t have Instagram or Facebook or any type of social media. So I like to call it like the influencer before we even knew what an influencer was, because it was pretty much just representing the lifestyle that the company was selling. And there wasn’t really a lot of us that could do both. Most of the women that were really good at surfing, they were just competitive surfers. And that’s what they devoted their life to. And obviously, we’re probably or they were a bit better than obviously my skill level at surfing. But then there were a few of us that could model in the product and kind of live the lifestyle and sell the lifestyle as well as go on a surf trip with the girls that were competing constantly and at the like highest professional level. So I was in that kind of middle ground.
growing up here in San Diego, it was all because I think I’m assuming we’re around the same age. I feel like I will never forget just going to the Billabong store, the surf store and seeing the like you probably in the pictures, you know, and and being like, wow, that’s so cool. And that was kind of the Instagram of the time. That’s what it
was. Yeah. Yeah. So feel really fortunate to do that. But it was for us, it was a huge deal because where I grew up, like we’ve said in the bio, it’s not even a small town. It’s a street. It’s like a street, but used to actually not even be
was. Yeah.
on the map. And there were like, you know, a handful of surfers that were from there. So from where I’m from, it was a really big deal that I had this opportunity and that it like was working for me. And then going back into the childhood, supportive parents, really supportive, I mean, community as much as possible, but it is very rural, small town. Even though I think when people think of Hawaii, it is paradise and it’s beautiful and you think of community and people taking care of each other it is that but it’s also um you’re not exposed to a lot of growth or thinking bigger than this town or thinking bigger than this island or thinking bigger than this state so everything that seems really normal when you’re growing up as you get, I think all of us have this experience where you go, that really maybe wasn’t that normal. It was just normal for where I’m from. So backstory again, my mom is from Chile, from South America. My dad is from New Jersey. They met in California. They got married after two weeks in Vegas. He picked her up hitchhiking. They fell in love and got married in Vegas two weeks later. Yeah. And then they wanted to start a family and decided that Hawaii was where they wanted to start a family. That’s where it started. They got divorced when I was about two years old. And my mother is a wonderful, loving, caring human being, as is my father. I don’t know if you guys are into astrology. I’m assuming that you are. As an astrologist. Yeah, okay. My mom is a triple Leo and my dad is a triple Aries. Oh, wow. Lots of fire on both of those sides. And I think, obviously, they did as well as they could from, you know, the families that they come from, but there was
an astrologist. Yeah, okay.
a lot of conflict in our family and no one had a regulated nervous system. Yeah. A lot of fire. Yeah. Lots of fire.
A lot of fire.
I didn’t realize it was not normal or maybe not the healthiest thing to be observing growing up until you realize what a healthy relationship looks like or until you realize what healthy emotional communication looks like and until you’re someone has modeled that to you or someone calls you out and is like that is unacceptable that this is what’s going on um So from where I was from, by no means was our household like, oh my God, like they’re, don’t go to that house. It’s really chaotic and crazy. But at the same time, looking back now, and when I’m talking to other people and their experiences growing up, I’m like, we were crazy. Like we were so crazy and really probably not as healthy as, you know, you’d want to but be, I know
everyone was just doing their best I mean with lots of fire comes passion so there’s probably like a lot of fun too a lot of like fun and loud talking yeah yeah yeah
of like
and yelling lots of yelling yeah lots
lots of yelling yeah lots of yelling um what’s your sun sign now I’m curious I’m a Pisces oh my god yeah so
so you’re absorbing it all absorbing it all yeah and I have an older sister who’s on the c’m a Oh Pisces. my God. So you’re Yeah. just absorbing it Absorbing all. it all. Yeah. And I have an older sister who’s on the cusp of Pisces Aries. Her and I just dealt with it so differently. My sister was able to kind of almost like rise to the occasion and become like the fighter for our family and like the rebellious one and like to really stand up for herself. And like she showed
Absorbing all. it all.
being a stand up for herself. And like she showed her emotions by like being a little bit more fiery. And then I exactly like you’re saying, I just absorbed absolutely everything. And it created this deep, deep, deep, deep sadness in my soul that I think came from, you know, a previous life as well or something like that. Or, you know, it was a trauma that wasn’t healed in any lifetime before this one. And it just kind of kept coming over.
like that.
But that’s how I dealt with it. You’re completely right. It was so internal. And I was so sad. And I felt everything so deeply. And I was always trying to keep the peace and always trying to be good with everybody. And, you know, it was for me, this is my experience. I’m not saying it wasn’t hard for anyone else in my family, but for me, that was the really hard part was I was so uncomfortable with the amount of conflict there was. And in my memory and how I remember it, there was probably an equal amount of conflict and love. It was very balanced. It was one or the other. Like, I’m not gonna sugarcoat it and say, like, we were smothered in love and there was only these few moments. It was half and half. Yeah. The way that I remember it in my experience. But I absorbed it all and that was kind of the start of the deep healing that shows up later, right? Because I have all of this really, really deep sadness from my family’s past and from me growing up and just never letting it go and not feeling like I could express it, not feeling like there was a safe way for me to express it. I wasn’t allowed to get angry like everyone else got angry because that wasn’t who I was in the family. And if I did, that was unacceptable. Everyone else was the ones that got to scream and be angry and throw things and fight and be really fiery. But I didn’t get to be that person. So that, I think, is the seed that was planted that then starts sprouting like,
you said, the way that I remember it in my memory. Because I think sometimes when you’re thinking about like, well, my sister didn’t experience this way. My dad didn’t experience this way. My mother didn’t experience this way. And I think when it comes to trauma or family dynamics, it truly doesn’t matter how anyone else experienced it. It just matters how you experienced it because that’s what’s in your body and in your subconscious and in your nervous system and it’s at the end of the day you can because i say this because sometimes you get in the mind fuck of like wait did i am i just making this up like yeah did this actually happen like is this something on me like did i did i create this for myself and it really doesn’t matter it’s taking the healing journey from that place of like, this was my experience. This is what I remember. How can I work from there?
this actually happen like is
Which is what I
is what I want to know next. It’s like, how did you get to like start to express yourself? What did it really look like? What relationships came into your life that really started to invite you
into you expressing yourself? I think it started with my first adult romantic relationship. I always had really solid friendships. Like I didn’t have a lot of drama growing up. Like a lot of girls have a lot of stories of, I had some. And then when I saw that, I was like, no, I’m not going to do that with friends. Like I tend to have healthier friendships. But in the romantic relationship space, that was definitely the way the universe was like, this is how you’re going to work out your shit. And we’re going to make it really hard for you. So I met, it’s funny to say my ex-husband because we were together for seven years, but we were married for less than a year. So yeah, I say that because legally we were married, but I never had like the marriage. I had the wedding. So I feel like I need to like always explain that because it makes me feel awkward when I say that. But I met him straight out of high school at 18 years old. I had just moved to the North Shore of Oahu, which is like the Hollywood of the surf industry. which is like the Hollywood
He was from Australia. And this was back before, again, Instagram, anything like that. So there were people in Australia that were really famous surfers where they were from. And in the US, unless you saw them in a US magazine, like you didn’t really know that they were as big of a deal as they were. So I remember meeting him and going like he looks familiar but like I really truly didn’t know like his whole story and then I heard his name and was like oh I know this name and then as I started to get to know him I was like oh he’s far more you know of a well-known
really know
surfer than I had realized when we first met each other
and I feel like we should preface too, just because I went to school in Hawaii, in Oahu, I went to HPU and the surf culture there, like if you’re not in the surfing world, I don’t think people understand. It is literally like Hollywood for surfing. And when you’re a pro surfer, like the girls come to watch and like all my friends in college, like loved going to the North shore and staying there and like fawning over the surfers. And it was like a dream to date a surfer. So I just wanted to preface that because there is like a culture that comes with, it’s like a whole other world. It’s like a rock and roll culture. It is. Yeah. It is rock and roll for surfing. I think it’s like
there is like
It
that in surfing everywhere. So my dad. Oh yeah. Your dad is a surfer too. My dad’s a huge surfer. And I think he was a professional surfer in Peru at his age, he’s 65. Yeah. So I grew up around surfers. I also grew up around like baby surfers. Like all of our cousins
a huge surfer.
from Peru would come to live with us so they could surf lowers, for example, and like get into the United and get to be in California. Yeah. Surf all the big waves. Yeah. And like creating
Yeah.
their brands and hearing all these things. So I think to the surfing industry, there is a world. Whether it’s in Hawaii or just surfing. Surfing No, yeah. in general. That’s No, what no. I the surfing there industry, is a Whether world. it’s in Hawaii or just surfing. No, yeah, surfing in general. No, no, that’s what I’m referring to. Yeah, the industry. This is my dad because he, like, bless his heart, and I hope we don’t put this in a reel, but, like, he can’t talk about anything else but surfing because it is the thing that he’s so obsessed with and it’s what he relates with and what he believes in and who he supports. He’s seen, like, the little nuggets grow to being like very big professionals like we’re really good friends with a lot of professional surfers but it’s a world oh it’s and it’s it’s a small world a small world and everybody also knows each other so yeah I mean surfing is just and it’s a world and I went
No, no, that’s what I’m referring to. Yeah, the industry.
to school before Instagram was a thing so I know exactly you may have even been there at the same time. We’ll have to ask after the show. It’s true. Yeah. So I just wanted to preface that so people get an idea that like this is. It is like our Hollywood. Yeah. Like everywhere
is. It is like our Hollywood. Yeah. Like everywhere has a surf scene and a surf culture and it’s all so related and very small. But like if you want to become, if you want to get the shot and if you want to become a respected surfer, you go to the North Shore Bar. And
And every surf brand has a house on the north
a house on the north shore yeah yeah so keep going it’s fine keep going yeah we met on the north shore um i ended up like i always try to explain it as like i think everyone has that crazy stupid love where you just completely lose yourself or most people do I would that I know and have talked to he was my crazy stupid like completely forget about yourself love and I went to Australia for an event for myself I met him there after we had already kind of started our courtship and he was like stay and I was like yeah cool so then I was based out of Australia for the next seven years and we were doing his competitions, my things. But within the relationship, I always tended to go and be attracted completely subconsciously, but to not equally, but people that had so much pain inside as well. And him and I had this trauma bond that was crazy. And I didn’t even really understand that it was a trauma bond until years later when I even understood what a trauma bond was. Like in the moment, you’re just going through it. But he had a really difficult upbringing. He had two parents that were addicts, didn’t know when they were going to come home, didn’t know when they were going to be gone. He pretty much raised himself with his sister. Like people took him in. Like anyway, he had a pretty traumatic upbringing. And I was the girl who for some reason didn’t know why, but it wasn’t the fame and the surfer and all the glitzy glamour stuff. It was like, I see that that and my heart like for some reason is like just I’m a magnet to you for this and I had no idea at the time that it had everything to do with me and my healing as well I thought that I was there to save him and I thought that my mission in the relationship was to show him what love was and to save him and this was kind of my narrative for quite a while, as I thought I was going to be everyone’s savior. And I realized that all of the love that I was pouring into absolutely everyone else and all of this lifeguard activity that I was trying to do for everyone else was like the universe going like, you’re doing it for everyone but yourself. And you’re like looking at everyone else’s problems and pain and you’re trying to stitch everyone’s wounds around you and you are not doing this for yourself. Like you’re in the savior complex. Yeah, so much. And so that relationship was that on my end. And that was the beginning, just like the tip of the iceberg. Like really, I thought I knew so much. And like, there was seven years later, like I look back and I’m like, that was like.
savior complex. Yeah,
It was like a scratch. A scratch. It was like, that was a
boop. Totally, totally. But that was the beginning of, in that part, like I completely lost myself, lived, like he was first priority. It was a very old traditional type of relationship where I took care of the house and I cleaned and I booked his flat like you know I was the mother he had a deep mother wound a very deep mother wound and I just stepped into it perfectly and almost didn’t necessarily help him at all I don’t think I saved him at all I think I was just you know giving him what made him feel don’t think I saved him at all. I think I was just, you know, giving him what made him feel comfortable and not really making him deal with any of his, I wasn’t necessarily his mirror. I was just his safety, you know, and that wasn’t. You were just
catching him. Yeah. Like, let me just create a really cozy blanket so you could stay in your process. Because you felt like by doing that, you kept him safe.
Yes. It was was it was very much this subconscious like i stepped into the mother role and when i look back at that relationship now that i have a child as weird as this sounds because it was a romantic relationship i loved him as though he was like my child interesting like that’s the type of love that it was like this very selfless like i’m just want to save you and protect you kind of thing. Fast forward seven years later, I start becoming more of an independent person, start doing things on my own, start realizing that I really like spending time by myself, that I really like, you know, to do things with my people and just kind of self-discovery was starting at a much deeper level. And I was so I was giving so much and he didn’t know how to love empty. me And truly, back. I don’t know that he really tried to love me back the way that I needed him to, or asked him to, or wanted him to. And I was a shell of a human being. I just was so empty because I poured absolutely everything that I had that was love or the way I thought was love into another human and just felt like I was given nothing back is how I felt. And there was a lot of actions that back that up because of, you know, people don’t figure out how to treat people right when you don’t see that. Yeah. There was a lack of boundaries and lack of boundaries just like you know again really unhealthy conflict between the two of us really bad communication just really bad habits in this relationship but
of boundaries
this point
you’re what 26 25 no i was we got married at 24 but 24 yeah exactly Yeah, exactly. So, so young still. close. Yeah, sorry. Yeah, yeah. Yeah,
So, so young still. close. Yeah, sorry. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no. No, no, That’s okay. So and as bad anyways, as some were being there was honest, so much interest from other men.
That’s okay.
And at one point I was like, okay, this is making me feel special more than this person is making me feel special. And this is making me feel full and this is making me feel full and this is giving me energy and someone is making me feel beautiful and loved and seen and it got to the point where I like was like I don’t I don’t care I truly don’t care because I can’t care anymore because when I care I’ve been in my perspective of this relationship I’ve been, in my perspective of this relationship, I’ve been broken down and tore down by you so many times that I’m numb. And I just don’t care anymore because I can’t because it hurts too much when I do. And I started feeling this attention from other people and really liking that attention. And there was a relationship, which is my daughter’s father. And I met him when I was in high school. We knew each other for a very long time. There was always like a crush thing between us, but nothing really ever happened. And he, every time I come home and see him was giving me a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot of attention. But it was like the exact attention that you needed. You know, when you’re just like the shell of a woman and a man is like, I know exactly how to make you feel special. I know exactly how to just do a little or like what else. It’s those things. And I remember going, whoa, this is making me feel more loved and more special than in my own marriage than I ever have in my own marriage for the last God knows how many years that we’ve been together and when I realized this and I kind of just like said I don’t care I’m letting go and I kind of let this let this journey unfold a bit more than I should have as a as a married woman for sure um I didn’t have an affair but did I like engage in this 100% and when I engaged in it and didn’t feel any remorse you you knew that that was and I am like the most aren’t like ask anyone who knows me is like Alana’s you she can’t tell a lie if you need someone to lie for you don’t tell Alana what the truth is because she won’t be able to lie for you. Yeah. Like I just, so it was just very
able to lie
me, who I am as a person. And I remember thinking, I should not be married. This isn’t okay. And I should not be married. And I have no remorse and I feel complete numbness and caring about what this is going to do. I was like, I, I’m so completely empty. Like I just, you know, when you see like the, when, when snakes shed their skin and you, I don’t know if you’ve ever lived in a place where you can find. That was just on the TV actually, when you walked in with the shakes, the snakes shedding their skin. And you walk by and you just see the, the shell of the shell. I’m like, that’s what I felt like. Yeah. So I, I got on the phone and I was flying back to Australia after visiting home for something.
I don’t know if you’ve ever lived in a place where you can find. That was just on the TV actually, when you walked in with the shakes,
of the shell. I’m like,
And I remember being like, we really need to talk when we get home. He was like, what’s going on? Like freaking out. And I just said on the phone, I was like, I don’t want to be married anymore. Like, I just, I don’t, I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to do this anymore. Like, I shouldn’t be. You got chills. Yeah. I shouldn’t be yeah I shouldn’t be married like this is not right this isn’t okay like everything just kind of it was a small aha moment in the timeline but I was like this is not right this isn’t okay and I don’t want to be here anymore and I want to run away I remember my body, like the insides, like the cells of my body, like had to be contained by my skin. But the whole time I wanted to jump out of my skin and like run. Wow. And I, when I say this, it’s so, I’m sure you guys are very, yeah. What did you
You got
What did you want to run towards?
Home. The feeling of home. Home. I wanted to run home so bad. I remember having this like visual in my head of like running home to Kauai because that’s where like my friend base was and where Hoku was at that time. That’s my daughter’s father. And I remember just having visions and dreams of like rolling in the dirt and like sleeping in the trees and just like I wanted to just connect back to mom. I wanted to just. That you’re so. Yes. I wanted you just connect back to mom I wanted to just that you saw yes I wanted you still sure yes and that was my home and I just remember wanting to be there so bad and that’s
Home.
That you’re so.
where I wanted to run to I just wanted to be I wanted to be safe yeah
sounds like your nervous system was just completely depleted literally at zero probably like negative zero it’s kind of like a car you had like zero gas and like even you’ve been trying to run your use your car on zero gas for years and you’re like it literally can’t move because i have nothing left within me nothing and how beautiful i mean i just asked what do you want to run towards i think it’s important to highlight that in moments where we are feeling so depleted so disconnected have completely lost touch with ourselves have nothing within ourselves the healing is and connecting back with nature is rolling in the dirt. Like you literally just said that out loud, like finding your resource again, because you were so malnourished, under-resourced, depleted.
was this role, the feeling of it, the idea, like the thoughts of it were very, it was definitely so many other things happening too. Like in the moment it was just leading me home. It was so obvious that I had to go. And I think that what was so difficult, and I still have so much love for the ex that I’m speaking about.
and I have so much compassion
it shocked him. on. Um, Yeah, I was
Yeah, I was like, how did he respond? He was in shock and everyone that knew us was in shock. Yeah. And you mentioned that it was like a very public it was quite public because in australia more so than here because it’s a smaller country with a smaller population and that’s probably one of their biggest sports in that country is surfing and they have most of the professional surfing tour at one point was australian like they were very successful surfing country um so their athletes are kind of bigger deals there and so you’re kind of already in the public eye a little bit in that world and then this was a story and everyone who knew us and everyone in the community that knew it the only story that they knew was that I had a horrible affair
oh no and
I ran away with the man that I was having an affair with, and I dropped him like a hot tamale with absolutely no remorse. And so that’s the story. Wow. That everyone knows there. The story they don’t know is that it was a very, very painful, sad soul experience that had a lot of fun times and a lot of
and a
I’m not saying he was just miserable the whole time. We had great times together and he’s a funny amazing talented hilarious human being like truly humor is what got us through so much of that relationship um but that I was in so much internal pain that built on to the already the foundation of the pain I had already had. I didn’t release it in this one. It just added on to it. This wasn’t me releasing it. This was me still kind
release it
me releasing
of muting my voice and still muting who I was and still muting my existence and my assertiveness and me still kind of just, I’m going to make it comfortable for everybody.
I think like for younger audience members, like again, there’s no social media. Like now I feel you one have a platform to share the truth of your story, which never existed before. And I think that there’s a celeb culture that shifted so much because before surfing Hollywood we had no idea that’s like it was like basically being in the tabloids like in Us Weekly or whatever yeah because that’s really yeah that’s all we had to look at and then you just assume it’s true because you don’t have any way to actually know the truth now everything is shared there is no you know there is there’s no private life anymore in that sense how did you navigate that though
is there’s
like in the moment let’s say like everyone is now hearing about this you’re all super shocked you’re also going to your own breakup you’re also trying to make sense of what the fuck is going on totally because
on totally
your own internal internal conversations are like did i just do something wrong am i am i crazy am i missing myself like i’m so curious what what kept you strong in keeping your decision
was no other option truly that’s how it felt. At that point. At that point, the thought of staying, my body wouldn’t let me. Did he fight to try to make – He did. Yeah. But not enough that there was going to be real change. Right. It was like a – You had already seen the writing on the wall. Yeah. And he may disagree with that. But my feeling of it is like there had been so many times where I clearly communicated. This is what I need. This is what I want. You’ll try. You’ll get frustrated. You’ll get upset. And then that’s it. It just needs to be my way or the highway. And that’s just was the nature of our relationship. And I did not believe that was ever going to change without so much time and so much work. but I had truly become completely numb to this man I looked at him and was like I and I was numb and I looked at him and I was like I cannot be here and I think more so than the pain that I had inside it was then dealing with what felt like an entire country obviously was our community but to me it felt like the entire country and it being mentioned on the news and being mentioned in interviews on,
the news
and being
it was in the media. People that were in the surf world at that time and knew our relationship. I, if I was like, I felt like if I were to walk the streets, if I stayed and walked the streets, I felt like I would have been stoned. Like people hated me. Wow. He was like the golden child of the town that he was from and very well loved. And, you know, so like I was the villain and I wasn’t seen as anything else. And very few people even asked my side of the story. It was like when I ran into people after the fact, even when I moved back home, if I saw people that we mutually knew, they saw me for the first time after hearing all of the horrible stories of who I was and what I did. They looked at me like I was a ghost. Wow. Or they wouldn’t speak to me. Or they would speak to me and then feel so guilty that they confessed why they shouldn’t feel bad about speaking to me. Like everyone that I, it was so bizarre. And I got crippling anxiety from it. And I also, although I didn’t have remorse for what I felt like was saving myself, there was never a question in my mind like, did I do the right thing for me? Even
there was
day, I don’t look back and go, maybe I should have tried or maybe I should have stayed. I don’t know if you have this, I will try, try, try, try, try, try, try, and maybe this is a Pisces thing because I hear other Pisces have the same trait, is, like, I will give it all, and then I’m done, and I’m done.
I’m a Pisces moon. I’m the same way. And I had an ex who was also Hawaiian from Kauai. Sorry. Girl, you know. You know I’m playing. Sorry. Sorry. We won’t talk about him in this episode, but that’s a whole other episode.
this episode, but
But, yeah, it was try, try, break up, get back together, break up, get back. And one day it was like, boop, done. And I was exactly the same. And he would call me for months and I never answered. I was just like, nope. When you’re done, you’re done. It’s like that.
Yeah. So that was never a question. It was seeing how
So that
much pain it caused him on top of the pain he already had for someone that, of course, you no longer want to be with in that capacity, but you still love and care for them. I took that on. I still internalized it. I was still internalizing. I got very, very close with his family. His family was my family. And especially his sister. She was my sister. She was my best friend. And I had to divorce her too. And that was like, that was almost just as painful for me because she was my person. It’s
like, it’s probably
more painful. Yeah. Like the women. Like the collateral. Yes. Yes. There’s
Yeah.
Like the women. Like the collateral. Yes. Yes. There’s been relationships where I’m like, wait, I really loved his mom. I know. Can
Can I keep you? And it’s And the dynamic Yeah. but I really loved not. his I Can day, I keep wait, you? Yeah. mom. know. And it’s not. And the dynamic day, it’s difficult.
It’s so difficult. Yeah. I think maybe like now that I’m older, maybe you could try and figure that out. But still like.
And it depends on the dynamic that they have as a family too. Totally. And they, because they were each other’s like savior or surviving growing up. It was done. Yeah. No. Like I don’t think she could have like yes and i understand that but like seeing
Yeah. No. Like I don’t think she could have like yes and
be in shock and in pain and his family and all of our closest friends not the people that really didn’t know the inside of what was going on watching all
what was going on watching
of them be in so much pain by what my choice was i I felt like, again, here I am causing all of this pain and I’m the pain and I’m the problem. And I internalized all of it. Did you ever try telling them? I don’t. At that time, I was truly in survival mode and all my body was telling me was go. And I didn’t even quite understand to the point that I can explain it now. And I was 24 years old. I was going to say you’re 24. And I was an emotionally immature 24-year-old. I was mature in a lot of other ways. I was very independent. I knew how to take care of myself. I knew how to run a household. I could organize everyone’s life like that. But as far as knowing how to love and communicate emotionally with maturity and all like I was a baby I mean that’s most people yeah I mean that’s a lot of people yeah so I I wasn’t able to communicate
I was
it at that time I really I think about it now thank you for asking that question and I’ve been back to Australia once and it was far too soon but I actually do think about them a lot and there are a lot of people that I haven’t been able to have this conversation with that I feel like I kind of not owe it to them, but I would really like to have a better conversation with them about it.
As someone, because we talk about this, speaking your truth, and I look back at my own past relationships where I’m like, God, I could handle that just a little bit
a little bit
I wish they understood this. I was just curious, now that you’re really owning your truth and now that you’re open to expressing it and like you have more context like I think there’s always been relationships in the past I’m like wow I really did not communicate well there and if I met them like I think I would own personally if I saw that I don’t think I have like this like desire to like go explain myself but if I saw them them, I’d be like, I own where I dropped the ball. I didn’t communicate well. So just so curious if you have that calling now that you’ve been honing in to speak your truth. Does that mean something to you? Or is it more like you just want to let them
want to let them in? It means something because I want them to know more than anything else that it’s me leaving in the fashion that I did because I went back for like three weeks and then left and never went back. And so I feel like I want them to know that they were so loved by me. And that they were so loved. I know. Yes, of course. And that they were so important to
me. But that it’s also like you were doing what was right for you and your heart and your authentic truth. And sometimes there is sadness in that for other people. We can love them and also be like, you’re not right for me. Totally. Totally. And I
I’ve been able to speak with him, which is beautiful. Like I think probably about four years ago we didn’t speak until four years ago and because he asked me I said I don’t ever want to speak to you again I don’t like it he was like please do not after he tried and I was like I’m still leaving and I respected that and it was really really hard and difficult but we finally spoke and made our peace and I think said as much as we could say to each other to stay in a peaceful place and understand and he’s grown exponentially from when we first broke up and he’s so much more aware of his trauma and he’s on his healing journey and amazing it is amazing and we’ve had really beautiful conversations and related on that and even talked about how at the time we had no idea how similar our traumas were even though they were caused in different ways and showed up in different ways like the root of our trauma was the
and showed
like similar like as how we felt and what we had to deal with so it was kind of this really beautiful kind of spiritual conversation that we had with each other of understanding that part of our relationship I’m grateful for that. And I spoke with his sister a couple of times and we had a beautiful conversation as well, but there’s like a whole community. Yeah, of course. And I don’t feel like I owe them anything. It’s truly just because the thought of them feeling as though I didn’t care enough or that I didn’t, I was able to just drop them is just so far from the truth. I just genuinely was doing the best I could in that moment.
though, because like, I think, like you said, you’re doing the best you can. I mean, like what people don’t understand, like when you have really been to the depths of your nervous system, you’re like literally surviving. You’re kind of like tunnel visioning. I mean, like, how do I just keep moving forward? And yes, there is quote-unquote collateral damage where like i don’t have the capacity or even the resilience or the words to be able to communicate with my own process because i don’t even know what’s going on in my own process yeah you can’t you can’t even sort through what you’re actually experiencing yeah and you gotta get used to like being okay with people not understanding which is also the whole part to the healing journeys like i can’t expect that everyone’s gonna understand or everyone’s gonna be on the same team as me yeah but
you can. I
you can’t you can’t even sort through what you’re
yeah but
I can totally get it yeah
at the same time that’s it would it would need it to happen but I still was internalizing everything that you just said like even if I felt like I still need to do this for myself and I can’t owe that to you like I still took all of the negativity took the weight on I did um and I didn’t I didn’t put it I didn’t try to explain myself I didn’t try to tell my side of the story I didn’t try to defend myself I didn’t go and like I just was like all right I’m surrendering and you guys can think which which is so difficult because it wasn’t the truth. You know, like I, yes, was I didn’t behave in a way that a married woman should, sure. But was it as bad as everyone said it was? No. And I didn’t defend myself. I was like, and it’s just really hard to do where you’re like, believe it. Yeah. Yeah. Believe it. And when you see me and you talk to me or you hear about me where you’re like believe it yeah yeah believe it and when you see me and you talk to me you hear about me and you’re saying horrible things like I just it takes a strong person but it also I don’t even know how celebrities do it I do not know like genuinely I but um it was so rough yeah just to let that happen and to just step back from it what
kind of steps have you taken to like start working through all this stuff? Because you seem really aware and like very able to be like able to communicate what’s been going on. But I’m so curious if someone’s like listening to you and saying like, oh, I’m in that or I’ve been in that. What has like really worked for me for you on your healing journey?
What woke me up to this is that radical accountability about everything. Everything is happening to me for a reason, for sure. I believe I also ask for all of these things to happen. I believe that they are meant to be happening. I believe that I am not the victim in any of these situations. I have to look deeper into it. They’re all lessons. Do they hurt like hell? Yes. But they are all opportunities to grow. And it was when I woke up one day and realized I am absolutely accountable and responsible for everything.
was that moment?
Well.
Yeah, tell us. How much time do we have? Well, we still have one half of the story left we still have the second relationship the bait the bait the
bait the yeah the daddy yeah so going back to kawaii running away running home um and he welcomed me with open arms and there was definitely a side of me that was like you should just be by yourself and you should not be jumping into anything and everyone that has ever been wise and has experienced things and any psychologists that you listen to was like, don’t do it. Yeah. So what did I do? You did it. I did
in and I definitely didn’t jump in thinking he was going to be my savior. I definitely didn’t jump in thinking I want this to be a serious thing. I jumped in going, I want to feel loved. I want to feel special. I want to have fun. And I want to just unapologetically be me because I’m figuring out who she is. Which
makes sense because in your previous relationship, you did not feel those things. So you immediately go to, who’s the person? You immediately, which everyone can relate to. like, Yeah, I’m done with this kind of a man. I’m going to go for the extreme opposite. Right.
the person?
Yes. And to me, he felt like part of that freedom that I was so hungry for because he knew how to be exactly what I needed in that moment because these types of people know how to be. They smell the blood. Those Hawaiians, man. They’re so suave. I mean, they really in. Yeah. But they just, they do. They’re like sharks. They smell the blood and they’re like, oh, the hunt is on. Yeah. They’re so charming.
And they’re
And they’re hot. Let’s just face it. Totally. They’re gorgeous. I I’m going mean, to say like we’ve got a rare breed in And there’s Hawaii. Let’s just hot. face it. They’re Totally. I gorgeous. I’m going mean, to say like we’ve got a rare breed in Hawaii and there’s some amazing men in Hawaii too. I’m not going to diss that part. Yeah. But I am very realistic about like the amount of charmers. There’s a lot. There’s a culture of – Yeah, definitely. But I don’t want to diss them. We digress. Yeah, exactly. But no, I feel you. There’s some great Hawaiian ladies too though. They really Wonderful. are. So yeah, he’s a shark. He smelled my blood and he knew exactly what to do and what to say and all the things. So he was everything I needed and it wasn’t serious and it was fun and it was all these things and I just needed to release and be free and
Hawaii too. I’m not going
a lot. There’s
We digress. Yeah,
There’s some great Hawaiian ladies too though.
more than I ever drank in my life I went out more than everyone in my life I was surfing more than I’ve ever surfed in my like I was doing everything because I had no responsibility I had no one to answer to and for the first time I was a single adult sort of you know yeah and I just I did it all like it was you want to try this drug I do you want to try this thing I do I was, I did it all. Like it was, you want to try this drug? I You do. want to try this thing? I do. I was like, I was just open for the experience. And I tried lots of things. I loved it. Like, I think there’s so much benefit from being that open. And that part of
yeah and I just
let people think what they want to think. And I’m already the monster. So fuck it. Let’s go for it. You know, and so I did. And I had some really amazing experiences learning how to completely surrender and roll with things and expand my mind and open my mind and accept people that I used to not accept and hear their stories and befriend. You know, it was a very beautiful time and growth that way for me because I wasn’t scared of anything. I was ready to kind of just take everything on. And I was just my intention was freedom, whatever that looked like in that moment for me.
And for someone that’s been suppressed her whole life, that was probably medicine. That was medicine. Yeah. You know? Yeah. I like totally, I can resonate with that completely. Like if you’ve been suppressed your whole life, constantly thinking about everyone else, holding yourself back, the minute that you get a taste of freedom, it is, it is medicine.
It’s addictive for sure. Yeah. Yeah.
sure. Yeah. Yeah. It’s also like, ooh, I get to choose what I wanted to. I haven’t chosen what I wanted to do for the last decade. What does that look like? We’re like, wow. And then like your system gets these hits of like, you’ve never felt this before. This feels really good. I want. And to your point, I think there is a time and space and a season for that. And we all really need if you have kept yourself from living.
And we all
Totally. I think a lot of people do this in college or they like, you know, a lot of times when I talk to people like I skipped that whole part of my life. I just went into like career marriage, you know. So this is my moment, like you’re saying. Exactly. And then the freedom with him lasted a short while. And then the teeth got stuck in. And then we kind of developed what I thought wasn’t going to become this very serious relationship. And it did. And there were all of the red flags and again I was like I don’t care or I’m different or we’re grown now or we’ve gone through enough that like we’re doing something different now but we’re not doing something different um but he we knew each other growing up but he had a a past you know i don’t know um and i have not had everyone i when you say this as people are like is he you know diagnosed and i’m like no but if you do your own research and you have an experience with someone and you become obsessed with trying to understand the situation that happens um i truly believe by my self-diagnosis of him that he is definitely a narcissist, but also a psychopath. Not like a psychopath, like a serial killer psychopath, but like there are different levels of psychopath. And his family is going to listen to this and be like, we hate you. But it’s true. And I got super sucked into this cycle that he had been repeating with women that I didn’t really know that it got this deep, but it got really deep with me. Because him and I were the longest relationship
in. We started creating a life with each other. And three years in, we have a baby together. And to premise this again, again, things pop up. So I’m sorry if I’m ping ponging. When
I was
flying back from Australia, I fell asleep on the plane. And on the plane, I had the most vivid dream that we had a baby together. And I remember landing and going, I don’t know what’s going to happen. But I remember like inside going like, I am meant to have this man’s baby. I just and I didn’t like that wasn’t my mission when we got together was like, I’m going to be with you. And we’re just gonna have babies like that wasn’t even it. But I remember just going like, it feels so clear to me that this child’s coming through something is Like I’m getting whatever it may happening. So fast forward three years messages, later after going like be. it feels so clear to me that this child’s coming through something is happening like I’m getting messages whatever it may be so fast forward three years
something is Like I’m getting
after a very like the passion in this relationship talk like the one in the past was very nurturing mother wound this man again had a very deep mother wound but it showed up very different. And it was, he was a drug. It was like the first time I had been like, I need more. Or when, when you don’t give me the thing, it’s like, I think the world is over. It’s like, it was so unhealthy and so toxic, but like you’re hooked and they, they do that. Yeah. It’s like they reel you in and they know exactly what to do. And it’s a formula and they all follow the same formula. And once they know they’ve got you, then you’re just the toy and you’re the puppet master and you’re on the strings. There’s
There’s like very specific narcissists. I don’t know them off the top of my head.
top of my head. But there’s
very strategic or narcissistic tendencies that you pull up. One of my friends knows them and she’s taught them to all of her daughters. And I think it’s beautiful. Same. But there is a way to really see like, oh, that was manipulative. Now you’re blaming me for the thing. Like you can just see it in their process. Oh,
And I think
Oh, there’s so many. But they do. No matter if they’re covert, overt, whatever type of narcissist they are, you start going into the root and the process and the strategy. They all have the same strategy. And then you feel like, oh, it wasn’t just me and this is a thing, whatever. So this happens. Teeth are sucked in. We’re doing our thing. I’ve got the strings. But luckily, because I came from this divorce and I came from this independence and I came from like, I’m not going to let you own me. I was so fiery with him. I wasn’t like the submissive like I was in the past. This is how I found my voice. This was the start of me finding my voice. Even though he became the puppet master, like I didn’t completely let him like string me up. So this is where I understood rage for the first time. This is where I understood standing up for myself, being assertive. But it was drama. Again, this wasn’t this healthy way of doing it, but it was this extreme release in another way that was also not healthy and also toxic, but it felt good. And it felt like freedom that I could scream when he did something really horrible
because I’ve
never screamed at someone before. And because he was not phased by it and because what he was doing was far worse than anything I was ever doing, it was like it felt safe, which is so twisted because I was in the most unsafe place I’ve ever been in in my entire life. And I felt like I was in the safest place when you’re in it. And that fucks your brain up. Sorry. I don’t know if we can swear. Okay. Like it’s truly trying to understand that after everything goes down. You’re like, what’s wrong with me? Why did I feel so at home? And like he was the fuzzy, cozy, soft blanket with the lullaby and like the warm milk that’s what it felt like and I was being eaten alive and tortured like it was such a strange experience and any woman who has had this and a lot of us have and that’s why I do like talking about it because when you’re in it and you’re so blinded and you don’t really know what’s going on and then you finally get out and you try to explain it to people that haven’t had this experience there’s this level of like you feel like no one gets you and no one understands the story and no one understands the instance because they’re like well why didn’t you leave and how did you not always the first thing people say why didn’t you leave right or how did you not know what was going on? Or it’s so obvious or like, you know, everyone else sees it as like, you’re the stupid one.
always the first thing people say why
I have no compassion for you because like, duh.
Yeah.
You know, but when you’re in it. Yeah. You have no
you know,
luckily for me, it was the start of me having my voice and standing up for myself, I said and all of that so we have I get pregnant and this is the start of like the darkest hour in our relationship like I knew that there was problems we had some things there was definitely bad moments and whatever it gets really dark because I think the reality of him having something that is so pure was such a reality check to all of the bad things he was doing that I had no idea were happening, that like he spiraled. And it was really bad. Like alcohol abuse, yes. Drug use, yes. I mean, like alcohol abuse yes drug use yes I mean beginning he’s you know it was like kind of drugs I didn’t even recognize he was on things I didn’t even know he was like blank like look at him he’d leave and not come home well he would do horrible things when he was home he was just like really really bad and I was like okay well I am, your baby in my belly. And all I’ve wanted my entire life was to have a family. And all I’ve wanted was to be a mom. And I asked for this soul. And I remember looking at the universe and looking at the sky one night and being like, I am so ready for you. Like, if you’re ready for me, I’m so ready for you. And I’m going to love you. And like, I would like speak to the sky, just being like, I am so, so ready for you and I’m going to love you. And like, I would like speak to the sky, just being like, I am so ready for you.
sky, just being
she came like truly. And so to me, I was like, this is, this is my dream come true. Not the surfing, not the thing like this happened to me. And I was like, my dream is coming true. Wow. Like I get to be a mom and I was praying for it and I was talking to the universe and talking to her soul or his soul and I was like and they came you know but to me I was like I don’t care I’m gonna create this love bubble I would have this vision of like Glinda in the peak bubble in the Wizard of Oz protecting her and I and be like you can’t penetrate the bubble yeah like I’m just gonna create this bubble for us and like I’m gonna try and love you as much as I can. And I’m going to stand my ground. And he was in a very, very, very dark place. And was,
like I’m
to find out, cheating with I don’t know how many women. Moving on. Multiple affairs, like relationships, excessive amount of drug use that I didn’t know about. And our community knew about it. And the people that were closest to us knew about it and so everyone knew but me wow that’s crazy yeah um sorry are we going for time it’s
um sorry
okay okay on time
okay on time you was
um oh you’re
oh you’re crying i know what
i know what do you mean i know so all of this is going on and i’m seeing this seeing the darkness that he’s in and i am just in my love bubble right and i’m like no matter what we’re going to do this we’re going to have a love bubble with or without him like this is where this is our space so she’s born he kind of comes around and there’s this moment of like we kind of fall back in love and the people that have ever what everyone said was like just wait till you have baby sometimes
it changes
people and blah blah blah, blah. You’re like, okay. I mean, I knew that’s like not the story. I was like very skeptical. But it did seem to get better. And it did for a little while and then it didn’t. And then it was a lot of really unhealthy things. But now there’s a baby involved. And now there’s this family that I’m trying to create and all of that. So fast forward, long story short, come to find out almost seven years later, the seven year cycle thing is very true. Really weird stuff was going on. I was just like, someone just needs to tell me what’s going on because now I have enough of a backbone and enough of, you know, a sense of self at this
on because
to, like, still be present and show up and be able to do things. One of his friends gives me a clue, and then I put it all together. He, on top of the affairs and all the things, he had another relationship with a woman that we both worked with who was married.
my God.
Mormon and married. And they were having this crazy affair and planning to, like, run away together and, like, get engaged and, like, start a family. Whoa. On top of me finding out about the heavier drugs and things and the deeper addictions that I thought more than I thought I was already dealing with. So this happened. Oh. And we. Let me technically. Yeah sorry. We just bought a house together all like on top like icing on the cake whatever. So I’m saying nope you’re out like goodbye this is it. I call the woman and is like I know everything. That’s wild. Like what is your guys’ plan? There’s like a child involved now. Like I’m like trying to just be as mature about it as I can be. Of course. We just want to protect your child. A million percent. At this point, that’s all it is. Yeah. That’s all it is. I’m like now I’m just here to protect my child. So he moves out pretty, and I knew that was going to be really hard for her, but it was like I just realized this person is a completely
A million percent. At this point, that’s all it is. Yeah.
different human being and a monster at that even more than a monster than i thought i was dealing with so i knew it was gonna be difficult for her to all of a sudden like have not have him in the house but i also knew it was gonna be healthier for everybody you have the situation in the house either so that was what i thought it was and then when he moved out so many things just kept surfacing and surfacing and surfacing. Like this whole other life. Whole other
Like this whole other life. Whole
life. Double life that I didn’t even know about on the island of Kauai. Which is so small. Which is so small.
Kauai. Which is so small. Which
worked at the same place. Majority of our friends were the same. And so the thing that really broke my heart. Is that nobody said anything. Was that so many people knew and i genuinely again i’m not the victim this is just the truth yeah i was so kind to everybody yeah and i would have and that’s what was so hard was like why yeah why why would you protect him why especially when you have a child totally crazy but it’s because they surround
when you have a child totally crazy but
with people that will only do that, right? They only surround themselves with people that will not hold them accountable, that will worship them, that will feed their ego, all of those things. So this is when this broken, I had to wake up every day and tell myself to breathe. I had to wake up every day and be a mom and go to work. And no one cares this is happening. Your world just is falling apart. And a lot of people are like duh so you don’t feel like you’re having this compassionate moment from everybody you know like some people yes like the people that are really beautiful in your life and a lot of people trying to survive at this point and deal with rage and having a little one and trying to still love everyone. It was just so, but this was the point that like the universe was like, okay, your soul is now completely broken open. And I’d have these very vivid meditations that I wasn’t even intentionally trying to do. I think it was just this time in my life that like you are just so open and so vulnerable to everything. And like, if you’re willing, we’re going to show you some things. Yeah. And I remember the first night I was in bed and I was listening to music and music puts me into meditation very quickly. And side note, I just don’t like it when people are like, this is how you meditate. Yeah. There’s no one way. There’s so many different ways to meditate. And for me, the vibration of music and certain frequencies, I will put it on for five minutes and I can close my eyes and like be transported to somewhere else. And that may not be for everybody. This is what happened. And I was in my bed looking at the moon. I had this beautiful window by my bedroom where I could look at the moon and I was just being accountable. And I was just really realizing like, this is your shit.
Yeah. There’s no one way. There’s so many
You were attracted to this person because of your shit. You put up with the things that you put up with because of your shit. You surrounded yourself with like, this is all things that are your traumas and your problems to deal with. And I had this realization and I was meditating and genuinely there’s this picture. I remember it was like the exorcist. That’s kind of anyway. But like I remember my chest going pop like this in bed and I released from my body. Like it felt like there was like a million butterflies flying out of my chest. It’s like it wasn’t like a scary thing. But I released from my body and like was completely in astral travel and like flying through space essentially. And like totally and all of this was happening and all of these realizations and moments and it was, I remember just tears streaming down my eyes and just like, this was the moment that I truly felt like you have been broken open and you are healing. You’re releasing. Yes. a number of experiences like that and a number of connections with whatever it is on earth, you know, and I, this is where I was like, now you get to love yourself. Now all of this love that you have been desperately pretty much pouring on everyone else, whether they’re asking it or not, now you get it. You can give it to yourself. Now you finally get it though. Like now you finally get how to give that to yourself. This is how you how to give that to yourself this is how you do it these things this is how you do it you make the time for yourself you are accountable you you stand up for yourself you live in love but love doesn’t mean being a pushover right and loving people doesn’t mean that you accept disrespect and it doesn’t mean all those it was like all of these things started to become very very very clear to me and it was the ending of this relationship and this horrible thing that happened that essentially I became so incredibly grateful to him for and before he left us you know a couple years before he did I remember giving him a really big hug and he still felt like this warm blanket which was always so weird every time we hugged each other it was always this like oh my safe blanket which I don’t know what that is but I remember looking at him and going thank you wow I mean like thank you so much for waking me up wow and thank you so much for breaking me open and thank you so much for teaching me how to love myself because Because I obviously needed this to happen. Because it wasn’t happening in every other instance in the universe. Kept giving me so many chances. And this was the thing. So I’m grateful I got to say that to him. But that was ultimately the experience. And it was fast and furious. And it was more than I could even understand it once I had to start researching because I was a spiritual person but I’d never had these experiences like I said I wasn’t trying to have these experiences so then I started going rabbit holing into the spiritual world and what does this mean why did this happen and like you know so just researching the crap out of everything and just answering all the whys. And to me as an anxious person, that’s already my safe space for myself. It’s like if I can understand why, I don’t necessarily need to accept it, but if I can understand
I don’t
then that’s helpful. So nutshell, that was the breaking moment. That was the awakening moment. That was the beginning of that was the awakening moment that was the beginning of the incredibly deep healing moment and so many so many things since then and challenges and i’m far from getting it right at all but that was that was the fully expressed beginning of being a little
i know i’m like basically we just came full circle. I love it. We could talk for hours. I know.
could talk for hours. I know. And it was stunning. I mean, your entire journey is beautiful. And I think there’s so many pieces that everyone’s going to be able to like really hone in on and resonate with. So thank you for going there. No, thank you. I hope that you like continue to share your story. Thanks.
going to be able to like really
Like I really, I really do. Like you could share this on stages yeah it’s in room thank you just so healing yeah anyways so thank you it’s
so relatable as well i think so many people can relate to in their own way that journey to awakening to the truth of who you are um and it happens different for everybody it does sometimes we need big things to happen to really like wake us up to ourselves to the truth just yeah and relationships tend to be the catalyst catalyst
yeah and
in so many ways for a lot of people it was mine too yeah but we want
but we
ask you one final question um where in your life right now are you feeling called to be fully expressed
such a rouge from what we just talked about. But because I feel this incredible responsibility to be a solid, organized adult for me and my child, I really want to work towards becoming fully expressed in purpose in what I do for a living. Because
you mentioned at the beginning that you’re in corporate. Yeah. You’re feeling like you want to express more. Yeah,
definitely. Which is why this was so attractive to me. Because this is a chance for me to work on that part of sharing and connecting and trying to encourage others to heal if they can connect with anything that I’m saying. But that is where I would need and I would like to and I’m going to work towards becoming more fully expressed in who I am and what I know my purpose is. I feel like you should write
book. Thank you. Yeah, truly. Like I would read it. I said stages. Yeah. And everyone talked about it. Yeah. Yeah. We’d love to have you back. Thank
love to have you back. Thank you. I’d love to be back. We’ll continue the conversation.
I know there’s more. Thank you so much. I know. That’s why in my head I was like, how do you summarize these things? I have to learn how to.
I know there’s more. Thank you so much. I know.
Yeah. It was like a two hour slot. Yeah. Yeah. Which we would have been here for all of it. But what’s the best way to find you if someone wants to reach out to you?
on Instagram. I like have a personal private Instagram. And then me and my sister started a surf hat company made out of, well, sure. made with recycled plastics it’s kind of our passion project that’s going on so that’s my public instagram but i love being there for people if i have the capacity and the time for it in my life because i know what it feels like to feel like no one understands and like you’re alone and that it’s like the singular experience that you’re having when really there’s so many people that can connect with it. So I do love even online when I see, you know, comments and sections and like sometimes I’ll just like have a side conversation with someone and be like, I get it. And you’re so valid and your feeling is real. And like this, like, you know, so I love being that person for people. You so I love know, being that person for people. And if anyone ever really feels like they need someone who might get I’d it, love to be that person in one way or another, whether it’s podcasting or like you said, I don’t know where it’s going to take me. But I would like to use my lessons and my story and pain and growth and healing to help others as much as I possibly can, however that shows up. So Instagram is probably the best because yeah. What is it?
Can you say it out loud?
Alana, A-L-A-N-A underscore Leigh, L-E-I is my personal. And then our handle for our bucket hats is Mama on Board. So it’s lowercase mama, for the o and four so mama on board spelled out cool well thank you thank you so thank you guys so much i really appreciate you having me and i’m sorry that i took more time no no
thank you so thank
we were a little behind anyway yeah you’re okay you’re okay no and i didn’t want to cut off
no and i didn’t
the story it was so powerful like i i didn’t want to stop no way thank you so much for tuning in. We really appreciate you being here. If you enjoyed this episode, we’d be grateful if you could leave us a review and share it with a friend. Also, we would
love to hear from you. Reach out to us on Instagram and let us know where you feel inspired to express yourself as you embrace this next era. We are here to support you and encourage you. See you on the next one.
you on the next one.