What happens when one partner is on a fast track while the other is figuring it out? Welcome to the ultimate guide to navigating love, surrender, and mutual growth in high-achieving partnerships. This episode is your backstage pass to building elite coupleship vibes with a dose of vulnerability, trust, and communication mastery.
Alejandra Crisafulli, an award-winning master coach, joins us to spill the tea on elite couples, emotional intelligence, and navigating those “ugh, can’t you just get it together?!” moments. We dive into the dynamics of championing your relationship while balancing personal dreams and partnership goals. Spoiler: it involves surrendering, trust, and maybe a little less emasculating your partner (oops, we said it!).
0:00: Well, we’re so excited today because we have a very special guest coming onto the podcast to really bring you guys so much juice and information when it comes to what it really looks like to be an elite couple in a relationship with an elite and being in a relationship with someone else that is also an elite person or and go on.
0:20: So to quickly introduce you guys so you guys can really get to meet her.
0:24: Her name is Alejandra Crisafulli.
0:27: Good job.
0:28: Yes.
0:28: OK.
0:29: Alejandro Crisafulli is an award-winning master coach, global speaker with over 20 years of experience in coaching, training, and developing in the coaching industry.
0:41: She is considered one of the pioneers of the coaching industry.
0:44: I believe you were awarded, right, for winning this.
0:47: That’s amazing.
0:48: , she has worked with over 5000 coaching clients.
0:52: OK, as someone that has coached clients, that is incredible.
0:56: That is incredible.
0:57: Oh, that’s a lot of fun.
0:58: A lot of gifts and a lot of presents that you’ve given people.
1:01: So thank you.
1:02: You’ve also trained over 300 coaches, guided entrepreneurs to scale into multi six figures and 7 figure businesses, and has built a multi-million dollar coffee shop business, which we love, we are number one fan, coffee shops,, with her husband in Southern California.
1:23: Thank you so much, Alejandro, for being here.
1:25: It feels so good to have you.
1:27: Good to be here.
1:28: Appreciate it.
1:30: And for those that don’t know, literally, we want the coffee shop that you and your husband have created is called Lofty.
1:36: How many locations does you guys have here?
1:38: Yeah, yeah.
1:39: Encinitas, Salon Beach, downtown San Diego, and Carlsbad, Carlsbad, and then Lacos Lacosta and then the main the bakery, the roastery, all of that is in and they make all their pastries.
1:56: In house, not to plug, but it is literally my favorite coffee shop ever.
2:00: So I feel like we must, we must.
2:02: Yeah, they make everything in-house, like they’re focused on sustainability and organic, and they make their own almond milk, which is probably my favorite thing ever.
2:11: That’s so hard to find anywhere.
2:14: Every time I travel, I try to look up homemade milk.
2:18: It doesn’t happen.
2:19: I mean, we make everything that we can from from scratch, the matcha, the salted caramel, the mocha.
2:25: Everything.
2:26: It’s a high, highly recommend the Aztec mocha, the matcha.
2:30: I mean, there, it’s all good.
2:32: It’s so good.
2:33: I’ve tried them all.
2:34: You can’t go wrong.
2:35: The yol, oh, and the is the best bowl in San Diego.
2:39: It is so good like the croissanty my ma is behind me.
2:48: I love lofty, but Sam lives at Lofty.
2:52: It’s true.
2:53: He was just so I I loved about this conversation is because the way that we met, I remember we are at Powerhouse Woman, which those that listened to the podcast last at the end of last season, heard that I went to Powerhouse Women.
3:04: Yeah.
3:05: And while we were sitting there and I was sitting next to your friend Brooke, Brooke, Brooke’s like, Oh, you live in San Diego, you got to meet my friend Alejandra.
3:13: I was like, OK, I’ll meet her.
3:14: And she’s like, I was like, hi Alejandra.
3:16: And then you were like, ask you something along the lines of like, what do you do?
3:19: Like, where are you located?
3:20: Something and then you go like, have you heard a place called Lofty?
3:24: Just this little this little thing and it’s just like, yes.
3:30: Have I heard of a place called Lofty?
3:32: Little do you know my friends and all of us live there.
3:36: So one, it was like one so synchronistic because one, we love Lofty for the values, the ethics, what it stands for and what you guys are creating.
3:43: And also just like your energy immediately was just like, oh I could be around her all day.
3:48: And then we met up again recently at Lofty in Carlsbad, and that conversation, at least to me felt like it flowed so beautifully.
3:56: It was just so nice to be around you.
3:58: I felt like I was so comfortable in that conversation.
4:01: And you have so much to share with the world.
4:05: And so I knew I was like, I would love for you to be on the podcast.
4:07: So it just, it’s such a pleasure to have you.
4:10: One, for everything that you get to share with this world and teach and what you’ve accomplished, which is who you are as a person.
4:15: Your essence in itself is just so beautiful.
4:19: So thank you.
4:19: Thank you.
4:20: I appreciate that.
4:21: Mhm.
4:21: Yeah.
4:22: And likewise, it was pretty funny cause we were just sitting at the table having lunch, and Brooke’s like, Hey, have you guys met?
4:30: So I don’t even know.
4:32: Yeah, typically I do ask if someone’s from the, you know, San Diego area.
4:36: Do you happen to know Lofty?
4:38: And your eyes lit up so big.
4:41: When she told me she met you, I was like, what?
4:44: This is amazing.
4:45: Oh, it was awesome.
4:47: And just to have that like connection and that immediate engagement with someone is so it’s a gift.
4:53: It is a gift.
4:54: Yeah, it’s definitely a gift and not something you experience all that often.
4:59: So when You do, it’s like, you know, it’s a lifelong connection.
5:04: I feel that, especially in those environments, you know, like especially like.
5:08: Because there’s a lot of people.
5:10: There’s a lot of people, like 50 people that that event, which I think is really beautiful and You know, finding presence or connection in events like that is so special because, you know, when I go to those events, it’s kind of like I feel like a ping pong ball, you know, it’s like, hi, how are you?
5:25: What do you do?
5:26: OK, hug, OK, da da da da and just kind of go on to the next, you don’t really get to drop in.
5:30: But I think to give you credit to your essence and your energy is that you created that space for us to like really connect, even if it was literally 2 minutes.
5:38: It was so quick, yeah, but you felt it.
5:40: That’s part of my.
5:41: intention in life is to really just be able to drop in, as you say, I love that.
5:46: I call it just grounding in and like really being rooted in that moment of presence with someone, because that is a gift and you don’t get that often.
5:55: So to be able to just like, let me take this moment to just be present with this person and genuinely connect from a place of love and just like want to know who they are, Not just what can you do for me?
6:08: That’s a really beautiful gift to have too.
6:10: I think about when I, when I think about people that I’ve looked at and admired or thought, what was it about them that has us, like you have it, obviously, with the spark or this energy about you that just draws people like a moth to a flame.
6:23: And I think it is presence.
6:24: It is that like eye contact and connection, and I think that’s a beautiful gift for people to cultivate.
6:31: Also a very challenging gift for people, for sure.
6:35: Yeah, because we’re so stuck in our mind and our own ways of thinking and behaving and being and insecurities, all of that.
6:43: Yeah, the doubt and, yeah, that comes up when you’re actually trying to make some kind of genuine connection.
6:50: Yeah, well, it’s so true.
6:53: I would love to dive a little deeper into just to learn a little bit more about You’re coaching?
6:57: Like, how do you support people?
6:59: Do you work with just women or with men as well, or anyone?
7:02: What does that look like?
7:03: I do mainly work with women, but I have worked with a lot of men because I do couples coaching.
7:10: So what ends up happening is the women go through the coaching and their husbands be like, OK, what you’re like, what’s going on?
7:18: Like, you’re totally different and I really like it.
7:22: And where can I get some of that?
7:24: And so, and I find, because I typically work with elite entrepreneurial women who are, you know, high performing and have multiple businesses, perhaps, that they’re really great at that, but their marriages tend to suffer because of it, or they, you know, family in some way.
7:41: And so the marriage is just like a natural step for like the next step once they’ve done healing work on themselves.
7:49: So that’s how I end up working with a lot of men.
7:52: But individually, it’s, it is with mainly women.
7:56: And what have you seen in that, right, the dynamics between like working with one individual, right?
8:02: They’re like, OK, I get to work on you and your transformation.
8:04: What’s the difference when you start to actually bring in the marriage and the husband?
8:08: Do you focus specifically on just working with the husband, or do you work on both of them together at the same time?
8:14: What does that really look like and where have you seen like the connections or the opportunity for growth, especially in those kinds of containers?
8:21: It starts with self, right?
8:23: Like you can’t really have a everything’s connected and how you do anything is how you do everything.
8:28: And so if you yourself aren’t working, of course, your marriage isn’t gonna work and your business isn’t gonna work and all of that jazz.
8:34: So, it’s both.
8:35: It’s, it’s a hybrid of both, of really working with them as a couple, and then I work with the woman individually and then the husband individually.
8:45: So it’s both because, yeah, I could sit there and do more of like a couples therapy.
8:51: Where it’s them always.
8:53: But there’s so much of, again, what you are personally bringing into the marriage, that is what’s causing the challenge.
9:00: And if we’re not addressing that and allowing them to have the space to what I call heal rather than deal with.
9:08: It’s not going to work.
9:10: Yeah, that makes sense.
9:11: So yeah, it’s both.
9:13: This makes me think about so much how Nick and I look at our relationship.
9:15: We look at us as like three entities or like different relationships.
9:18: We have the relationship with ourselves.
9:20: Nick has this really with him and then the third relationship is us.
9:23: Yeah, totally.
9:24: I love that, which I feel like that’s what you’re talking to.
9:26: Absolutely.
9:27: All three.
9:28: And I’m curious, did you coach before you and your husband started Lofty?
9:32: OK.
9:33: Yeah.
9:34: Yeah.
9:34: I was coaching much before, so Lofty’s been 14 years, I want to say.
9:39: Yeah.
9:40: And I started, yeah, 21 years ago, life coaching wasn’t even a thing back then.
9:45: And may I ask, like, were you the higher achiever at that time?
9:50: OK.
9:50: Yeah, very much so.
9:51: Yeah, he was a bartender just kind of like lost.
9:55: Yeah, I was curious, like, cause I feel like Cri and I are in a similar scenario where we’re higher achievers at the moment, but our men have really high like dreams and aspirations.
10:08: So I’d love to speak, yeah, on that journey of what that looked like because I know we go through ups and downs of just like, get it together, you know, whatever.
10:18: So yeah, I’d love that.
10:20: Yeah, it was an interesting dynamic, obviously, and you’ve been through it or are walking through it right now.
10:26: It was challenging because I would continue to see him just kind of, again, being lost and not really knowing where to turn and where to start.
10:36: And he had all of these visions and dreams and passions, but then when it came to actually bringing them into fruition, he kind of just kept sabotaging and hitting different walls.
10:49: And at time, our daughter was pretty young, and so he would basically take care of her during the day while I was off doing my thing, and then he would go bartend at night at a fine dining restaurant, and it paid well.
11:02: So complacency was also a factor that was playing into it.
11:07: It’s like, you know, it’s fine, it’s OK, but I’m really lost and have no purpose.
11:11: Yeah, yeah, that makes sense.
11:13: Yeah.
11:13: So for me, it, you know, there were some benefits at the time because I was growing and You know, really focused in on what I was doing, but it did cause conflict between us because we were on different trajectories.
11:28: Do you feel like the masculine feminine balance was at play in that a little bit too, like you were looking for him to step into his power a little more and like, yeah, yeah, definitely was looking.
11:39: For that.
11:40: And for me, it had a lot to do with like, purpose.
11:43: Like I wanted him to have that thing that he just knew was meant for him.
11:49: Yeah, because you had that.
11:51: I feel it’s not about the money matter who really makes more.
11:54: It’s like you want them to have that drive and that purpose towards like a greater concept or.
11:59: that they wake up excited for.
12:01: Exactly.
12:02: I mean, God has designed us to have a specific purpose in life and to fulfill that or or not to fulfill that is very lonely and and depressing.
12:13: So he was definitely in that place.
12:15: And for me, it was like, OK, so let’s do something about it.
12:20: So how did you navigate that part?
12:21: Like I’m so do something about it like that the, the, I guess there’s also this delicate dance that I want to talk to.
12:27: It’s like also honoring his process, right?
12:30: And like, wanting to do something about it, but then also holding the vision for what you guys both want in the future.
12:36: So what did that look like?
12:37: What was that dance that you had to kind of play with?
12:41: OK, this part of me wants you to be here already, and this other part of me He totally understands that you’ve got to kind of go through this on your own.
12:47: So what did that look like for you?
12:49: One was surrendering.
12:53: , that was such a huge part of being able to just like release.
12:58: , and people often think that like surrendering is the action.
13:02: It’s not, it’s the reaction.
13:05: The action is the decision, and then surrender naturally occurs as the reaction.
13:10: action.
13:11: So I had to decide to stop being so like, OK, come on, and because it was only making things worse.
13:17: And for me, too, like it was, I was getting agitated and aggravated and then that would lead to resentment and frustration.
13:25: And so it was this very powerful decision that I had to just release, and then the surrender just kind of naturally happened.
13:33: So that was the first thing.
13:34: And then through surrender.
13:36: came this grieving, that’s the second thing.
13:39: I had to just grieve the loss of what I thought he should be or be doing and the vision of what I was hoping our life would be together.
13:51: And, and through that grieving, it led to the third thing, which was showing up more for myself in a way that wasn’t so there was a time where I thought, like, if he’s not doing it and getting it, then I’m not going to do it and get it to the level in which I want to.
14:09: And so that was that third part of like just focusing in on myself in a way that through the surrender and the grieving first, allowed me to show up for our marriage differently and to show it for him differently, that brought out something better in him versus the other way.
14:28: where I was so super attached, and it just brought out this visionary with action.
14:34: And that’s, yeah, I don’t think I would have gone there though, for sure, if I hadn’t first done those first two things.
14:41: Wow.
14:42: I’m so glad that you broke that down so beautifully.
14:45: That resonated very really.
14:47: I know.
14:48: I’m like, you’re speaking to myself you know like I’m just like, tell me more.
14:51: What do I need to do?
14:54: But it’s very beautiful that you realize by the letting go and like the without holding on or controlling or how it’s supposed to look, you can see yourself soften.
15:03: And then you were able to receive what was really there, which reflecting that back to you, it also looked like by doing so, you gave him permission to flourish in his own way.
15:14: And it might have looked completely differently than the way that you thought it was, or it might have ended up looking up the same, but the letting go of really gave him the opportunity to be born in the way that I guess like birth, whatever he was trying to create in this world.
15:27: Yes, which was right there.
15:28: It was just blocked.
15:30: And, you know, we were both contributing to that.
15:33: And it’s a testament to the love you obviously had at the root, because I think in situations like this, so many people walk away before they reach that that place of healing or of moving beyond the challenges.
15:45: And so, obviously there’s a deep connection and love, like you must have something very special to be able to step into that together, you know, and I know we relate to that as well.
15:55: So, yeah, like.
15:56: I love my husband, you guys, but more importantly, I like him.
16:01: Like I genuinely like that.
16:04: OK, let’s talk about that.
16:05: Let’s define that because I think that’s important for women or just anyone in relationship to here.
16:09: Oh yeah.
16:10: Well, it’s like, you know, love is one thing.
16:14: Like there is that deep, profound love, but if you don’t like who you’re hanging out with, like, it’s a problem.
16:20: Yeah, it’s a problem.
16:21: Like if they’re not fun, if you’re not Engaging in conversations.
16:25: When you like someone, you want to talk to them.
16:27: You want to listen to them.
16:29: Yeah, you’re like, yeah, and like, yeah, like I wanna be with you and in your presence.
16:38: If you don’t like them, then you’re cool with just like, yeah, it’s all right.
16:41: If we don’t see each other, it’s fine.
16:43: I’m going to go, you know, and whatever.
16:46: And and that doesn’t make for a healthy marriage.
16:49: And Everybody likes each other at the beginning, and then stuff starts getting in the way and you start disliking one another is typically what happens and then you’re just on your individual trajectories and it causes this divide.
17:04: Makes so much sense.
17:05: Yeah.
17:05: I’d love to take it to the next era.
17:08: Yeah, you’re cool with that.
17:10: I was so beautifully said.
17:11: I was like, wow, you capsulated so much.
17:13: I think it’s so important because the women are listening to this, they are very in this place of high achieving, they’re becoming elite, right?
17:20: And that I think a lot of them are kind of navigating, including myself and Sam, what you just talked to.
17:25: Now I’m so curious to get a picture of what the future looks like to us of like, so now that you guys are both elite, you guys are both high achieving, you guys are both have successful businesses.
17:36: How, what has come up in that dynamic?
17:39: What hasn’t come up in that dynamic might be a better question.
17:44: And how many years have you been married now?
17:45: Did we say?
17:47: OK, we’ve been together 21.
17:50: Yeah, yeah, we’ve been married, it’ll be 16.
17:53: OK, got it.
17:54: Yeah.
17:55: OK, so what has come up in this dynamic now that we’re both kind of like power power couple, you know?
18:01: Yeah, I love the, yeah, the term that we all use.
18:05: Yeah, I love speaking to this too though, because I think it’s easy to look on the outside as a as a.
18:11: Cider, you know, oh, they must, they figured it out.
18:13: They had, you know, they have the money, they have all the things, and I think it’s so beautiful to speak on the fact that like, it just brings a different set of of things to work through, like, in relationship, we’re always evolving and working and growing, right?
18:26: And yeah, so I’m excited to hear what.
18:29: OK, so it’s, it’s a little bit of a hard question to answer because I think that I do so much work within myself.
18:36: It’s one of the things I love about coaching is that it’s constantly in my face.
18:42: I do not coach what I don’t apply and practice myself.
18:46: And so what what’s really happened on the other side of all of the growth challenges and pains is that we’re kind of back to where we were before all the business growth, but I don’t think that that would have happened had I not been doing the work that I’ve done.
19:05: And although Eric hasn’t, you know, done traditionally what I have, he’s grown in his own way, and his path has been really powerful in its own right.
19:17: And so there’s now this like,, in a lot of ways, back to like how we were when we were first dating, but there is a maturity and a respect.
19:29: That is pretty profound.
19:31: Like as I’m thinking about it now, it’s like a foundation.
19:35: It it’s, it truly is like a respect and this maturity of like, I don’t have to rely on you for making me feel validated or acknowledged.
19:47: I don’t have to, you know, seek things from you that Normally I would have in the past.
19:55: It’s really just this, what can I give you today?
19:58: And what can I give?
19:59: It’s like we almost try and overgive each other.
20:01: , and, and again, like there’s still, you know, there’s still stuff.
20:05: We’re human beings.
20:06: There’s stuff that comes up.
20:08: , but the way in which we communicate is so different, and I think that’s that maturity and respect I’m talking about.
20:15: But you had to walk through a little crap.
20:17: I was gonna say it sounds it sounds like, you know.
20:21: The shit or the hard or the conflict or the struggle or the growth was what gave you guys the foundation that you have.
20:29: Yes.
20:30: And it’s almost like for anyone that’s listening, because I know for myself, as I’m establishing about to get married, I’ve just recently engaged, like all that, like all the stuff that we’re going through right now is going to get us to a place where we have this underlining respect and loyalty.
20:45: And also it sounds like our own inner validation and happiness.
20:51: Right, that you kind of have to find on your own, right at the end of the day, like, I still have my path, my purpose, what really aligns to me, what aligns to my fullest express self, and to find that with me in that.
21:02: And so how do you meet each other in that process where you are leaning into your fullest express self, really leading into your desires, but maybe it doesn’t really fully align with Eric, or Eric’s and chasing some other thing that caught his eye, and he’s like, I really love that, and I want to lean that way.
21:18: How do you guys Support each other and that, but then also meet each other in that.
21:23: Yeah, it’s, it’s interesting cause I, I want to speak to before I share that, like what I hear from a lot of the couples, and I’m gonna say every couple that I coach.
21:34: I don’t feel valued, I feel unappreciated, I don’t feel important, I don’t feel heard, like, all those things on both sides.
21:43: It’s not just the women, it’s the men who are saying it just as much.
21:48: Yeah.
21:48: And, and so it’s that like, that not that need to try and seek that from that other person that has made things so like aligned for us.
22:00: So, you know, we’re on very different trajectories in some sense in that like, he is now super active and like he got into road biking and like, just this morning, he rode 60 miles.
22:13: Like, you’re like, have fun.
22:15: I’m like, that’s the last thing I want.
22:18: not coming, yeah, yeah, he does, he sends me pictures and videos all the time.
22:24: I’m like, yeah,, and last night he was like, God, I wish you would come with me, and it was just like, you know what, I It doesn’t resonate.
22:35: Yeah, like, I love that you love it, and I am totally there to like, let me get your water ready for you and I will fully respond to all of your pictures and all of your videos that you send me.
22:48: , I want to use like a different word than support.
22:52: It’s really like, and he does this for me too.
22:55: There’s this, you know, a cheerleader versus a champion.
23:00: So a cheerleader will like, yeah, you go girl, and I’m so proud of you, and you go do your thing.
23:05: Like, cause I go off and I do workshops and, you know, speak all over and, and so he’s all he could very much so be like, yeah, you go do your thing.
23:15: But The champion is the one that’s like, what do you need so that you can be your best and show up yourself?
23:21: Can I get you your chair set up?
23:23: Do you need your, I don’t know, like your schedule like looked at or my husband for you.
23:31: You know he’s a champion for sure.
23:33: We’ve been together 10 years.
23:35: And vice versa.
23:36: Like, I do that for him too.
23:39: And so when you’re standing for that champion, because you’re not seeking.
23:45: Me like validate me, acknowledge me, make me feel valued.
23:49: That’s already something that you possess inside.
23:51: , it makes it so much easier to just, how, what can I do for you to make this better?
23:58: And not just asking, what can I do for you, but like anticipating what the need might be.
24:05: I love hearing this because I feel like you don’t often, unfortunately, like find couples in today’s world that This, and I feel like my husband and I have this, but we also started, I mean, we’ve been together almost 10 years, and we started more as codependent and like love me and need me, and because we had such a strong communication, like we were able to get to a place.
24:26: I mean, I think we’re a little behind you guys, but still, like hearing that is so inspiring because I’m like, I feel so treasured and I feel like what we have is so exactly how you’re describing Eric.
24:38: And it is a gift and I love hearing other women talk about it cause it shows what’s Possible and that you can get there and I love that that is what you get to do is help women and men come to that place cause I don’t think it matters if you haven’t found it, I think you can find it.
24:52: Absolutely.
24:52: It doesn’t matter where you’re at and you’re and like how bad it is.
24:57: I’ve had couples, the one that I can think of that’s most significant, it was going to be their 4th divorce.
25:04: They had been married, yeah, well, 4 times, and so this would have been there to send to you that’s pretty.
25:11: And they don’t, you know, they’ve done the therapy, the counseling that, you know, and they’d hurt each other a lot, and there it’s like, it doesn’t matter what your problem is, what the trauma is, this that I coach and share with people, which is called the 180 method, it, it heals, it heals you, it heals your relationship with God, it heals your relationship with your partner.
25:35: builds your relationship with yourself and then that’s where that’s where the juice.
25:39: Yeah, the magic.
25:41: I feel like any woman that’s listening and like that is hearing, like they’re feeling conflict in the relationship.
25:46: They feel so disconnected or they’re mad or angry, resentful toward their husband, but there’s a small little part of them that still wants the relationship.
25:54: You know, like how often have you gotten in a place where you’re like, I’m so mad at you, you don’t hear me.
25:58: , I could just scream at you.
26:00: But there’s also the other part of me, because I think we’re multidimensional humans use so many different parts.
26:04: There’s also the part it’s like, but I still want this relationship to work.
26:07: Yes, but you kind of fall into the cycle of like, could I find this somewhere else?
26:12: Can I go do this somewhere else?
26:13: Is it worth is it possible of healing this?
26:15: Can we repair this to the place where we do feel safe with one another again and you just talk to the ability of the possibility of that?
26:22: And I hope that gives couples a lot of just encouragement.
26:26: An inspiration of like, we can do this if we want to.
26:30: Exactly.
26:30: That’s a choice.
26:31: It is a choice.
26:33: And even more so, it’s a decision too.
26:35: Like when you decide something, you kill off every other option.
26:38: When you choose, there’s like, oh, well, today I might do this and tomorrow I might do that.
26:43: But yeah, if you’ve decided like, no, I want to be in this, and I’m scared and I don’t know how it’s going to happen or what we’re going to do, but like, I don’t want to leave.
26:53: Yeah.
26:54: Yeah.
26:55: In that, I’m just gonna peel that back a little bit deeper because I’m thinking about someone, in that, you know, let’s say one side of the equation really wants to do the work, but then the other side looks like they’re not doing, they don’t want to do the work.
27:08: So, a lot in my situation, a lot of the friends that I run into are just women.
27:12: They’re like, I’ve tried, I’ve given it at all, and they’re not just not willing to.
27:16: What would you say to that?
27:18: OK, two things.
27:19: One is that oftentimes, like what I hear from them.
27:23: is that it’s not that they don’t want to, it’s that they’re almost like not given the opportunity to, and they feel like if they were to continue trying, it’s never enough.
27:36: And so it creates.
27:38: Yeah, it’s never enough.
27:41: And then they always feel like they’re in trouble.
27:43: And so it’s not that like they don’t want to, they just don’t know how to.
27:49: So better to just retreat.
27:52: And withdraw and like hang out with the guys or play video games or, you know, work over.
28:00: Yeah, exactly.
28:02: Then to actually like deal with it, but they don’t want to leave.
28:05: Now, for the woman, the wife on the other side is viewing all of the actions as well, but no, he doesn’t, and he does this and he does that, and it’s like, all right, hold on.
28:15: So that is a big part of it is us as women give the men the opportunity to show up and actually the space for the work to be done.
28:27: But it’s really not that they don’t want to.
28:30: That makes a lot of sense.
28:32: I feel, at least with some of our friends or even some of my own friends, a lot of women too, I find, want them to know what to do and what they want and aren’t willing to tell them.
28:42: Like they don’t want to have to tell them.
28:45: I’m like, they’re not us.
28:47: They don’t know.
28:49: Like I had to tell Austin what I need and want, you know, for him to show up and hit vice versa.
28:55: Like, I frankly, we’re more intuitive, so I think I’m not gonna brag, but I feel like as women, we can show up very differently because we’re intuitive and we meet people’s needs and we understand, but I find, like, I’m sure you could speak to that a little deeper, but like, there’s this this not, you know, I just want them to know and they they should know, yeah, they should know, I should know exactly.
29:16: I mean, men love to provide, like, that’s part of the masculine part their providers and women are receivers,, or we’re, you know, that’s how the job is, you receive, you provide, and so they want to give, but if you’re not communicating and go with the expectation, expectations are killers, but, you know, expectation always leads to disappointment.
29:41: Oh my gosh.
29:43: stop expecting things of yourself and anyone else.
29:47: I have something to share about that.
29:48: Remind me to come back to.
29:50: But yeah, so like the expectation that they should know is definitely what’s killing part of the relationship.
29:59: But the moment you share what you need and why you need it, they need to know the why.
30:05: If you don’t share the why, it’s harder for them.
30:08: To want to give it, especially if there’s a bunch of stuff that has happened in between.
30:15: And by stuff I mean pain and hurt.
30:20: And then we women tend to emasculate men all the time.
30:25: I had this conversation.
30:27: OK.
30:28: OK.
30:29: I just had this conversation with someone with a client yesterday.
30:33: It was his individual call.
30:35: And oh, this couple, I’m like, just so proud of them.
30:39: Like, they were, if we got on a call and I was like, oh, OK, it was their couple’s call.
30:43: It’s like, this looks like you guys are done.
30:46: It was really bad.
30:47: And by the end, they had both decided, like, no, we’re we’re, we’re gonna do this and keep moving forward.
30:53: And so we had to go through like some really hard things between the two of them, and we got to a really good place and things have started shift.
31:00: And they were both like night and day difference, like you could see it.
31:06: And then I had my call with him.
31:08: So this is now like 3 months later, OK, from that.
31:11: And he was like, it’s going so good except this one thing.
31:15: , I’ll be talking to like my friends or like guys and like his wife isn’t even in the conversation per se, but she’ll come in and be like, kind of disrespect or say something.
31:26: Like, why did you say that?
31:28: That’s not what it is, or, you know, and just interject, basically.
31:33: And he was like, it makes me feel so bad about myself and like stupid and embarrassed in front of the guys that my wife is like interjecting and basically telling me I’m stupid and I wrong wrong.
31:46: Yeah, it’s like one, she wasn’t doing that.
31:49: Like, let’s clarify that first.
31:51: That’s a perception.
31:53: But 2, like, he has a point.
31:54: That’s a total emasculation, and anyhow, it was just like, it happens all the time and we don’t recognize that we turn into their moms.
32:05: And it’s because we think they should do this, they should just like the kids, they should know.
32:11: We’re leaving the house, get your shoes on, or they should know, like, don’t put your finger in that.
32:19: My dog, just kidding.
32:24: Oh I love it’s so true.
32:26: Actually, yeah, just to speak on that, Austin and I were at a breathwork class last night, we were driving home, and I jokingly was like, oh, you missed the light, you know, but he always drives like he is the driver, and he was like, stop doing that.
32:39: And I was like, what do you mean?
32:40: Like, I’m joking.
32:41: He’s like, you’re not joking, and I don’t appreciate that.
32:44: And the old version of myself would have been like,, I’m just kidding, take a joke, you know, but because we’ve done a lot of this, I was like, I’m sorry.
32:52: I really, yeah, I hear you and you’re right.
32:54: I do.
32:54: It just comes out, you know, it is, I don’t mean it to be rude, but like, yeah, that’s exactly, exactly.
33:00: It happens all the time.
33:02: Yeah, you don’t even realize it.
33:03: You’re just like, no no big deal.
33:04: And he’s like, stop.
33:06: Yeah, exactly.
33:07: Yeah.
33:07: I think one thing I want to pull on too for just listeners to hear too is like sharing the why behind something.
33:13: I think so often in a relationship, we’re just talking surface level, like there’s an expectation that they heard.
33:18: Or they know why I’m feeling this way or I asked for this thing and they get it, like they should just get it.
33:24: But they really don’t know.
33:25: I think there was like one moment with like Nick, for example, we were having like this argument, we got on the site and I shared with them.
33:30: It’s like, it makes me feel this way.
33:32: And he was like, Oh yeah, yeah.
33:35: I felt that way.
33:36: He, Rogers, he said that he’s like, now I get it.
33:39: It like kind of hit him.
33:40: He’s like, I have felt that way before and I don’t like that.
33:43: I’m sorry.
33:45: And it took him a second to get it, but I had to share the why, like, where is this making me feel?
33:49: And I think that took me, because as someone that was suppressed, we talk a lot about our people pleasing, our co-dependency and kind of suppressed from the world.
33:57: I didn’t know why I was feeling what I was feeling.
34:00: All I knew was I was wanting something, something, right?
34:04: And so I had to learn that level of depth for myself to be able to say, Oh, this makes me feel less than, or I am embarrassed, or I feel Ashamed or I feel guilty or I feel taken advantage of, or I feel all these things, which are a little feeling wheel is so helpful if you don’t know what you feel.
34:23: But it really takes that also that inner work to what you’re talking about to be able to let your partner in on your experience so they truly understand.
34:31: It’s not that they don’t want to understand, it’s just that they don’t have enough context to understand.
34:36: Yeah.
34:37: So true.
34:39: I wanted to bring you back so as I said earlier.
34:41: Connects to, so I was like, oh, this is a good segue.
34:47: Which is kind of in some, it’s like somewhat contradictory to what you’re saying, but not.
34:54: So yeah, we’re constantly trying to get our partners to understand both, both people are, understand me.
35:02: So it, it creates this huge conflict and drama within communication.
35:09: You know, let me tell you how I feel, like, tell you, let me tell you what my point is, but then the other person’s like, but let me tell you what mine is, and can’t you just understand me.
35:20: I feel like I have to, yeah, so everyone is trying to be understood, and it’s because this human nature.
35:29: of ours is like, if I’m understood, then I’m safe.
35:32: And, and if I’m understood, then I’m right, and that makes me feel safe.
35:39: We just talked to this when we were younger we had this desire to be right, like I have the knowledge and the yeah, yeah, and that shows up.
35:50: Relationship.
35:50: Absolutely, yes, and it does.
35:53: It has to all connects back to the brain and the amygdala and all of that jazz.
35:58: But so in communication, you’re both trying to be right.
36:01: Even something simple, like, that’s green.
36:04: No, it’s more of like a blue, you know, it’s like, OK, so just such, yeah.
36:11: It’s like, babe, no, it’s OK, I’ve, I hear that’s blue, but I think it’s, yeah, exactly.
36:15: It’s like, OK, so here’s where I typically go with couples.
36:20: It’s like, stop trying to understand each other cause you’re never going to understand.
36:27: It’s almost like if like if we had gla if I wore glasses and my prescription glasses are specifically for my eyes, my prescription, if I’m like, here, put on my glasses so you can see.
36:40: how I see and what I see, you’d put them on and be like, I can’t see.
36:44: Yeah, you know, it’s the same thing.
36:48: But yeah.
36:49: But yeah, we do that all the time.
36:51: And if we could just stop trying to be understood and then healing all the reasons why we’re trying to be understood, oh my God, the relationship turns into something beautiful.
37:02: So instead of trying to be understood, it’s like, can you see where the other person is coming from?
37:08: Not do you want Understand, but can you at least see?
37:11: Like, I could see why you’re saying that might be blue, maybe because of the way the light is reflecting on it.
37:17: Like, I don’t get it, but I could see why you might say that.
37:20: So it’s more about just being willing to see the other person versus.
37:27: Yeah.
37:27: Well I was gonna say, do you think going inward is also a part of just really understanding yourself and then being OK with whatever that looks like, so then you don’t seek that validation.
37:38: So from the outside world.
37:39: And I think it shows up lastly in our partnerships or first, depending on where you’re because that’s the person we’re usually closest to.
37:45: So we’re like, well, if no one else can see me, you can see me.
37:48: Yeah, yeah, and get me and understand me and all this stuff.
37:51: Yeah.
37:52: It’s like, no, I can’t literally like I cannot.
37:56: Yeah, yeah, that’s a great.
37:58: I’ve started, I don’t know if this is good, but I’ve started to use language like I get that, or I see that.
38:02: Yeah, I can see that.
38:04: I get that.
38:05: Like I don’t.
38:06: Maybe I don’t fully understand that, but I I get it.
38:08: Yeah, I see it.
38:09: That language is so much better than, yeah, we were trying to understand.
38:14: Yeah, and we were speaking to disappointment and how like learning that skill set of sitting in someone else’s disappointment and then being OK with like, you honored yourself or you, you know, I can hold that space for your disappointment, but also this is my truth.
38:28: And I feel like that is a hard skill set for sure especially, I mean, when you’re triggered, I think that’s the hard.
38:34: Oh my God.
38:35: I mean, when you’re completely activated and the parts of your wounds got touched or you know, whatever, you don’t understand, it’s so hard to get to a place like, I gotta take a deep breath and it’s it.
38:44: I get that.
38:45: And I’m feeling like this, you know, so that also comes up.
38:49: Exactly.
38:49: That’s why your own personal healing journey is so important, so important.
38:53: Yeah.
38:53: Yeah.
38:55: I, I love to teach my couples what I call the communication solution.
39:01: Yeah, and I can share it with, it’s a five step.
39:03: Process, but basically, you ask a question, like the more you’re asking questions versus going to an immediate like interpretation of what you think the other person is saying, like just happened the other night.
39:16: I got these, you know how the palazzo pants are like the jeans that are like tight and then they kind of, I don’t know like yeah.
39:25: So I got some of those and I thought they were super cute.
39:28: And so I asked Eric.
39:29: I was like, What do you think?
39:30: Do you like this?
39:31: this is.
39:32: This moment.
39:33: And, and he said like, oh, you know, it’s like, yeah, I mean, they’re not my favorite wasn’t what you wanted.
39:40: They’re my favorite.
39:41: And I immediately went to like, oh my God, OK, so you think I look horrible, you know, and there’s so there’s that like trigger moment, right?
39:50: And so you just stop and like ask a question.
39:53: And if your questions are starting with a what or how versus a why, why questions tend to trigger more.
40:00: That makes sense.
40:00: So, if you ask a lot, which I did, I was like, OK, hold on a second, Alejandro, like chill out.
40:05: That’s not what he said.
40:07: Just hold on, like, ask what he meant, cause I don’t know.
40:11: So I asked, like, what did you mean by that?
40:14: OK, what did you mean by that?
40:16: And he said, it’s just, I love when I can see your butt.
40:20: I was just gonna say he’s probably like, make them tighter, like legs are my favorite part of you, and I can’t see them.
40:25: And I was like, oh, OK, let me change.
40:30: But anyhow, so it starts with ask a question, and then you allow the person to respond, and that’s the second part.
40:38: The third part is the most skipped overstepping communication, and it’s the most important, which is to affirm or acknowledge, right?
40:46: Yes.
40:46: And so that affirming is just the whole, I get it.
40:50: I see why you say that, I hear you.
40:53: OK.
40:54: Mhm.
40:55: All right, good.
40:57: Anything that’s affirmative, because it allows the other person to know that they are heard, valued and respected.
41:04: Even if, again, you’re like, what color is this?
41:07: And they say it’s blue, and you just go, OK, I could see why you say that.
41:12: It’s affirming is not agreeing.
41:15: Yeah, it’s just affirming.
41:18: Yeah, exactly.
41:19: And then you share.
41:20: I can see why you say that because maybe how the light comes through, I’m actually seeing it as green, and so you share, and then you ask another question.
41:29: What do you want to do for dinner?
41:30: You know, and yeah, I’m just laughing because I think this is valuable for every single human, regardless of relationship.
41:38: It would have a much more cohesive world if we all just behaved this way, yeah.
41:43: Exactly, yeah.
41:44: Continue, sorry.
41:45: No, that’s it.
41:46: That’s the 5.
41:46: Ask a question, response, affirm, share, ask a question.
41:50: Oh, the whole thing.
41:51: I love that that is powerful.
41:55: I love that.
41:55: Now, as we start to wrap up here a little bit, which I can’t believe we’re coming up to time because I’m like I want we could talk for hours, so much more from you and you’re just, you’re sharing so much wisdom, which I think is so also very practical and tact.
42:07: cool.
42:08: So I love the way that you share because I feel like there’s so many little nuggets that everyone can take.
42:12: Passing the baton specifically to you, to get to know you specifically, based on where you are in your life right now and what is coming, where in your life can you be more fully expressed.
42:24: For me, being more fully expressed, I feel like it has to do a lot with I’m like, oh you know what, looking at the different, like the different areas of my life are kind of flashing, and I feel like I express so much.
42:40: Like I tell, I have people tell me that, wow, like you’ve shared a lot about yourself.
42:45: Like I’m, I’m always very vulnerable in what I share when it comes to personal things.
42:52: I think if anything, like, because I went into my career early on, social media was Not a thing.
43:01: I built my business on speaking and networking and referrals and cold calling.
43:07: Like, wow.
43:08: That’s awesome.
43:09: You know, like I was cold calling selling life coaching.
43:13: So social media is one of those places that’s like been challenging to navigate because I wasn’t of that mindset and schooling.
43:23: So to be able to like fully express myself with Something that one is a technology thing.
43:30: It’s an external thing.
43:32: And being able to like, sometimes when that red light goes on or you hit record, it’s like, oh, different person and just being able to like sink in and express who I actually am through all that I share on my social media is where I feel like that growth and expansion, because that’s how I see expressing is like How can I expand,, into more of who God wants me to be?
44:00: , and that is an area that’s like, oh, OK.
44:03: We put my camera up and, you know, do the thing and still be me.
44:07: Yeah, and still be you, and I I think you really broke that down because I feel like social media does create that space.
44:12: You’re like, the camera’s on.
44:13: I had to like sit up and I had to change or like, how’s my hair look?
44:17: Am I standing up enough so someone can see me?
44:20: You need a filter.
44:21: Yeah, and like my voice changes, like, why is it changing?
44:25: Stop it.
44:26: Yeah, it’s like you micro judge yourself.
44:30: It’s so easy and there’s so many people to compare yourself to and it’s hard to get, I feel like as a woman, especially, it’s yes, yeah, that’s beautiful.
44:39: Yeah, but it’s like the gift of just being one of you, yeah, on social media, which is this external thing, but it’s like, how do you practice this being you?
44:47: Yeah, I really have learned a lot about myself through it.
44:51: And just, it, it’s actually made me be a lot more comfortable with like, guys, I’m a dork.
44:57: Like, I, you should see me.
44:59: Like I am just kind of dorky, and I love it.
45:02: Like I’m a refined dork, is what I say.
45:04: Because, you know, I still look cute, but I’m like being silly in my office and with clients and and to be able to bring that into the camera and like put it out there into like the world for Everybody to see has really allowed me to just like take ownership of myself.
45:21: So, yeah, I do more of that.
45:23: That’s beautiful.
45:24: So beautiful.
45:25: I think we can all take that as well into our lives just generally, whatever room you step into.
45:30: bringing like your fullest express cell.
45:32: So thank you so much.
45:34: This was amazing.
45:35: I could talk to you for hours.
45:36: I loved this.
45:39: We could do that.
45:40: We can do it again.
45:40: Yeah it again again.
45:43: Well thank you so much for coming today.
45:46: I here in person.
45:47: Thank you.
45:48: Yeah, this is so wonderful.
45:50: I feel so helpful.
45:51: Yeah, and sometimes I think relationship wise or even in interpersonal relationships, it’s easy to get lost in the in the chaos of everything.
45:59: And so yeah, everything you’ve said is so relatable and easy to understand, and I feel like it’s going to help so many people.
46:06: He already has 5000 clients.
46:08: That’s incredible.
46:09: Now that you’re saying you’ve like cold call and done all these things for most of them, that is like such a testament to your Just awesomeness.
46:16: Wow, thank you.
46:17: How can, before we wrap up, how can someone connect with you, find you if they want to learn more from you?
46:23: You said you’re showing up on social media more.
46:25: , what does that look like?
46:27: Yeah, best place is through Instagram, and I’m known as the baller coach, because she is.
46:33: I mean, there’s a whole story behind that one too, but Another time.
46:37: But yeah, the baller coach on Instagram, it’s also my website.
46:40: Like anything the baller coach, it’s all out there now, so.
46:44: Yay, yeah, so perfect.
46:46: All right, well, go follow her, go give her a follow, and yeah, also would love to hear what your review is or your thoughts about the episode.
46:53: So go ahead and just comment your reviews.
46:55: Let us know what it was like hearing from Alejandra and what your takeaway were, and we’ll see you next week.
47:00: See you next week.
0:20: So to quickly introduce you guys so you guys can really get to meet her.
0:24: Her name is Alejandra Crisafulli.
0:27: Good job.
0:28: Yes.
0:28: OK.
0:29: Alejandro Crisafulli is an award-winning master coach, global speaker with over 20 years of experience in coaching, training, and developing in the coaching industry.
0:41: She is considered one of the pioneers of the coaching industry.
0:44: I believe you were awarded, right, for winning this.
0:47: That’s amazing.
0:48: , she has worked with over 5000 coaching clients.
0:52: OK, as someone that has coached clients, that is incredible.
0:56: That is incredible.
0:57: Oh, that’s a lot of fun.
0:58: A lot of gifts and a lot of presents that you’ve given people.
1:01: So thank you.
1:02: You’ve also trained over 300 coaches, guided entrepreneurs to scale into multi six figures and 7 figure businesses, and has built a multi-million dollar coffee shop business, which we love, we are number one fan, coffee shops,, with her husband in Southern California.
1:23: Thank you so much, Alejandro, for being here.
1:25: It feels so good to have you.
1:27: Good to be here.
1:28: Appreciate it.
1:30: And for those that don’t know, literally, we want the coffee shop that you and your husband have created is called Lofty.
1:36: How many locations does you guys have here?
1:38: Yeah, yeah.
1:39: Encinitas, Salon Beach, downtown San Diego, and Carlsbad, Carlsbad, and then Lacos Lacosta and then the main the bakery, the roastery, all of that is in and they make all their pastries.
1:56: In house, not to plug, but it is literally my favorite coffee shop ever.
2:00: So I feel like we must, we must.
2:02: Yeah, they make everything in-house, like they’re focused on sustainability and organic, and they make their own almond milk, which is probably my favorite thing ever.
2:11: That’s so hard to find anywhere.
2:14: Every time I travel, I try to look up homemade milk.
2:18: It doesn’t happen.
2:19: I mean, we make everything that we can from from scratch, the matcha, the salted caramel, the mocha.
2:25: Everything.
2:26: It’s a high, highly recommend the Aztec mocha, the matcha.
2:30: I mean, there, it’s all good.
2:32: It’s so good.
2:33: I’ve tried them all.
2:34: You can’t go wrong.
2:35: The yol, oh, and the is the best bowl in San Diego.
2:39: It is so good like the croissanty my ma is behind me.
2:48: I love lofty, but Sam lives at Lofty.
2:52: It’s true.
2:53: He was just so I I loved about this conversation is because the way that we met, I remember we are at Powerhouse Woman, which those that listened to the podcast last at the end of last season, heard that I went to Powerhouse Women.
3:04: Yeah.
3:05: And while we were sitting there and I was sitting next to your friend Brooke, Brooke, Brooke’s like, Oh, you live in San Diego, you got to meet my friend Alejandra.
3:13: I was like, OK, I’ll meet her.
3:14: And she’s like, I was like, hi Alejandra.
3:16: And then you were like, ask you something along the lines of like, what do you do?
3:19: Like, where are you located?
3:20: Something and then you go like, have you heard a place called Lofty?
3:24: Just this little this little thing and it’s just like, yes.
3:30: Have I heard of a place called Lofty?
3:32: Little do you know my friends and all of us live there.
3:36: So one, it was like one so synchronistic because one, we love Lofty for the values, the ethics, what it stands for and what you guys are creating.
3:43: And also just like your energy immediately was just like, oh I could be around her all day.
3:48: And then we met up again recently at Lofty in Carlsbad, and that conversation, at least to me felt like it flowed so beautifully.
3:56: It was just so nice to be around you.
3:58: I felt like I was so comfortable in that conversation.
4:01: And you have so much to share with the world.
4:05: And so I knew I was like, I would love for you to be on the podcast.
4:07: So it just, it’s such a pleasure to have you.
4:10: One, for everything that you get to share with this world and teach and what you’ve accomplished, which is who you are as a person.
4:15: Your essence in itself is just so beautiful.
4:19: So thank you.
4:19: Thank you.
4:20: I appreciate that.
4:21: Mhm.
4:21: Yeah.
4:22: And likewise, it was pretty funny cause we were just sitting at the table having lunch, and Brooke’s like, Hey, have you guys met?
4:30: So I don’t even know.
4:32: Yeah, typically I do ask if someone’s from the, you know, San Diego area.
4:36: Do you happen to know Lofty?
4:38: And your eyes lit up so big.
4:41: When she told me she met you, I was like, what?
4:44: This is amazing.
4:45: Oh, it was awesome.
4:47: And just to have that like connection and that immediate engagement with someone is so it’s a gift.
4:53: It is a gift.
4:54: Yeah, it’s definitely a gift and not something you experience all that often.
4:59: So when You do, it’s like, you know, it’s a lifelong connection.
5:04: I feel that, especially in those environments, you know, like especially like.
5:08: Because there’s a lot of people.
5:10: There’s a lot of people, like 50 people that that event, which I think is really beautiful and You know, finding presence or connection in events like that is so special because, you know, when I go to those events, it’s kind of like I feel like a ping pong ball, you know, it’s like, hi, how are you?
5:25: What do you do?
5:26: OK, hug, OK, da da da da and just kind of go on to the next, you don’t really get to drop in.
5:30: But I think to give you credit to your essence and your energy is that you created that space for us to like really connect, even if it was literally 2 minutes.
5:38: It was so quick, yeah, but you felt it.
5:40: That’s part of my.
5:41: intention in life is to really just be able to drop in, as you say, I love that.
5:46: I call it just grounding in and like really being rooted in that moment of presence with someone, because that is a gift and you don’t get that often.
5:55: So to be able to just like, let me take this moment to just be present with this person and genuinely connect from a place of love and just like want to know who they are, Not just what can you do for me?
6:08: That’s a really beautiful gift to have too.
6:10: I think about when I, when I think about people that I’ve looked at and admired or thought, what was it about them that has us, like you have it, obviously, with the spark or this energy about you that just draws people like a moth to a flame.
6:23: And I think it is presence.
6:24: It is that like eye contact and connection, and I think that’s a beautiful gift for people to cultivate.
6:31: Also a very challenging gift for people, for sure.
6:35: Yeah, because we’re so stuck in our mind and our own ways of thinking and behaving and being and insecurities, all of that.
6:43: Yeah, the doubt and, yeah, that comes up when you’re actually trying to make some kind of genuine connection.
6:50: Yeah, well, it’s so true.
6:53: I would love to dive a little deeper into just to learn a little bit more about You’re coaching?
6:57: Like, how do you support people?
6:59: Do you work with just women or with men as well, or anyone?
7:02: What does that look like?
7:03: I do mainly work with women, but I have worked with a lot of men because I do couples coaching.
7:10: So what ends up happening is the women go through the coaching and their husbands be like, OK, what you’re like, what’s going on?
7:18: Like, you’re totally different and I really like it.
7:22: And where can I get some of that?
7:24: And so, and I find, because I typically work with elite entrepreneurial women who are, you know, high performing and have multiple businesses, perhaps, that they’re really great at that, but their marriages tend to suffer because of it, or they, you know, family in some way.
7:41: And so the marriage is just like a natural step for like the next step once they’ve done healing work on themselves.
7:49: So that’s how I end up working with a lot of men.
7:52: But individually, it’s, it is with mainly women.
7:56: And what have you seen in that, right, the dynamics between like working with one individual, right?
8:02: They’re like, OK, I get to work on you and your transformation.
8:04: What’s the difference when you start to actually bring in the marriage and the husband?
8:08: Do you focus specifically on just working with the husband, or do you work on both of them together at the same time?
8:14: What does that really look like and where have you seen like the connections or the opportunity for growth, especially in those kinds of containers?
8:21: It starts with self, right?
8:23: Like you can’t really have a everything’s connected and how you do anything is how you do everything.
8:28: And so if you yourself aren’t working, of course, your marriage isn’t gonna work and your business isn’t gonna work and all of that jazz.
8:34: So, it’s both.
8:35: It’s, it’s a hybrid of both, of really working with them as a couple, and then I work with the woman individually and then the husband individually.
8:45: So it’s both because, yeah, I could sit there and do more of like a couples therapy.
8:51: Where it’s them always.
8:53: But there’s so much of, again, what you are personally bringing into the marriage, that is what’s causing the challenge.
9:00: And if we’re not addressing that and allowing them to have the space to what I call heal rather than deal with.
9:08: It’s not going to work.
9:10: Yeah, that makes sense.
9:11: So yeah, it’s both.
9:13: This makes me think about so much how Nick and I look at our relationship.
9:15: We look at us as like three entities or like different relationships.
9:18: We have the relationship with ourselves.
9:20: Nick has this really with him and then the third relationship is us.
9:23: Yeah, totally.
9:24: I love that, which I feel like that’s what you’re talking to.
9:26: Absolutely.
9:27: All three.
9:28: And I’m curious, did you coach before you and your husband started Lofty?
9:32: OK.
9:33: Yeah.
9:34: Yeah.
9:34: I was coaching much before, so Lofty’s been 14 years, I want to say.
9:39: Yeah.
9:40: And I started, yeah, 21 years ago, life coaching wasn’t even a thing back then.
9:45: And may I ask, like, were you the higher achiever at that time?
9:50: OK.
9:50: Yeah, very much so.
9:51: Yeah, he was a bartender just kind of like lost.
9:55: Yeah, I was curious, like, cause I feel like Cri and I are in a similar scenario where we’re higher achievers at the moment, but our men have really high like dreams and aspirations.
10:08: So I’d love to speak, yeah, on that journey of what that looked like because I know we go through ups and downs of just like, get it together, you know, whatever.
10:18: So yeah, I’d love that.
10:20: Yeah, it was an interesting dynamic, obviously, and you’ve been through it or are walking through it right now.
10:26: It was challenging because I would continue to see him just kind of, again, being lost and not really knowing where to turn and where to start.
10:36: And he had all of these visions and dreams and passions, but then when it came to actually bringing them into fruition, he kind of just kept sabotaging and hitting different walls.
10:49: And at time, our daughter was pretty young, and so he would basically take care of her during the day while I was off doing my thing, and then he would go bartend at night at a fine dining restaurant, and it paid well.
11:02: So complacency was also a factor that was playing into it.
11:07: It’s like, you know, it’s fine, it’s OK, but I’m really lost and have no purpose.
11:11: Yeah, yeah, that makes sense.
11:13: Yeah.
11:13: So for me, it, you know, there were some benefits at the time because I was growing and You know, really focused in on what I was doing, but it did cause conflict between us because we were on different trajectories.
11:28: Do you feel like the masculine feminine balance was at play in that a little bit too, like you were looking for him to step into his power a little more and like, yeah, yeah, definitely was looking.
11:39: For that.
11:40: And for me, it had a lot to do with like, purpose.
11:43: Like I wanted him to have that thing that he just knew was meant for him.
11:49: Yeah, because you had that.
11:51: I feel it’s not about the money matter who really makes more.
11:54: It’s like you want them to have that drive and that purpose towards like a greater concept or.
11:59: that they wake up excited for.
12:01: Exactly.
12:02: I mean, God has designed us to have a specific purpose in life and to fulfill that or or not to fulfill that is very lonely and and depressing.
12:13: So he was definitely in that place.
12:15: And for me, it was like, OK, so let’s do something about it.
12:20: So how did you navigate that part?
12:21: Like I’m so do something about it like that the, the, I guess there’s also this delicate dance that I want to talk to.
12:27: It’s like also honoring his process, right?
12:30: And like, wanting to do something about it, but then also holding the vision for what you guys both want in the future.
12:36: So what did that look like?
12:37: What was that dance that you had to kind of play with?
12:41: OK, this part of me wants you to be here already, and this other part of me He totally understands that you’ve got to kind of go through this on your own.
12:47: So what did that look like for you?
12:49: One was surrendering.
12:53: , that was such a huge part of being able to just like release.
12:58: , and people often think that like surrendering is the action.
13:02: It’s not, it’s the reaction.
13:05: The action is the decision, and then surrender naturally occurs as the reaction.
13:10: action.
13:11: So I had to decide to stop being so like, OK, come on, and because it was only making things worse.
13:17: And for me, too, like it was, I was getting agitated and aggravated and then that would lead to resentment and frustration.
13:25: And so it was this very powerful decision that I had to just release, and then the surrender just kind of naturally happened.
13:33: So that was the first thing.
13:34: And then through surrender.
13:36: came this grieving, that’s the second thing.
13:39: I had to just grieve the loss of what I thought he should be or be doing and the vision of what I was hoping our life would be together.
13:51: And, and through that grieving, it led to the third thing, which was showing up more for myself in a way that wasn’t so there was a time where I thought, like, if he’s not doing it and getting it, then I’m not going to do it and get it to the level in which I want to.
14:09: And so that was that third part of like just focusing in on myself in a way that through the surrender and the grieving first, allowed me to show up for our marriage differently and to show it for him differently, that brought out something better in him versus the other way.
14:28: where I was so super attached, and it just brought out this visionary with action.
14:34: And that’s, yeah, I don’t think I would have gone there though, for sure, if I hadn’t first done those first two things.
14:41: Wow.
14:42: I’m so glad that you broke that down so beautifully.
14:45: That resonated very really.
14:47: I know.
14:48: I’m like, you’re speaking to myself you know like I’m just like, tell me more.
14:51: What do I need to do?
14:54: But it’s very beautiful that you realize by the letting go and like the without holding on or controlling or how it’s supposed to look, you can see yourself soften.
15:03: And then you were able to receive what was really there, which reflecting that back to you, it also looked like by doing so, you gave him permission to flourish in his own way.
15:14: And it might have looked completely differently than the way that you thought it was, or it might have ended up looking up the same, but the letting go of really gave him the opportunity to be born in the way that I guess like birth, whatever he was trying to create in this world.
15:27: Yes, which was right there.
15:28: It was just blocked.
15:30: And, you know, we were both contributing to that.
15:33: And it’s a testament to the love you obviously had at the root, because I think in situations like this, so many people walk away before they reach that that place of healing or of moving beyond the challenges.
15:45: And so, obviously there’s a deep connection and love, like you must have something very special to be able to step into that together, you know, and I know we relate to that as well.
15:55: So, yeah, like.
15:56: I love my husband, you guys, but more importantly, I like him.
16:01: Like I genuinely like that.
16:04: OK, let’s talk about that.
16:05: Let’s define that because I think that’s important for women or just anyone in relationship to here.
16:09: Oh yeah.
16:10: Well, it’s like, you know, love is one thing.
16:14: Like there is that deep, profound love, but if you don’t like who you’re hanging out with, like, it’s a problem.
16:20: Yeah, it’s a problem.
16:21: Like if they’re not fun, if you’re not Engaging in conversations.
16:25: When you like someone, you want to talk to them.
16:27: You want to listen to them.
16:29: Yeah, you’re like, yeah, and like, yeah, like I wanna be with you and in your presence.
16:38: If you don’t like them, then you’re cool with just like, yeah, it’s all right.
16:41: If we don’t see each other, it’s fine.
16:43: I’m going to go, you know, and whatever.
16:46: And and that doesn’t make for a healthy marriage.
16:49: And Everybody likes each other at the beginning, and then stuff starts getting in the way and you start disliking one another is typically what happens and then you’re just on your individual trajectories and it causes this divide.
17:04: Makes so much sense.
17:05: Yeah.
17:05: I’d love to take it to the next era.
17:08: Yeah, you’re cool with that.
17:10: I was so beautifully said.
17:11: I was like, wow, you capsulated so much.
17:13: I think it’s so important because the women are listening to this, they are very in this place of high achieving, they’re becoming elite, right?
17:20: And that I think a lot of them are kind of navigating, including myself and Sam, what you just talked to.
17:25: Now I’m so curious to get a picture of what the future looks like to us of like, so now that you guys are both elite, you guys are both high achieving, you guys are both have successful businesses.
17:36: How, what has come up in that dynamic?
17:39: What hasn’t come up in that dynamic might be a better question.
17:44: And how many years have you been married now?
17:45: Did we say?
17:47: OK, we’ve been together 21.
17:50: Yeah, yeah, we’ve been married, it’ll be 16.
17:53: OK, got it.
17:54: Yeah.
17:55: OK, so what has come up in this dynamic now that we’re both kind of like power power couple, you know?
18:01: Yeah, I love the, yeah, the term that we all use.
18:05: Yeah, I love speaking to this too though, because I think it’s easy to look on the outside as a as a.
18:11: Cider, you know, oh, they must, they figured it out.
18:13: They had, you know, they have the money, they have all the things, and I think it’s so beautiful to speak on the fact that like, it just brings a different set of of things to work through, like, in relationship, we’re always evolving and working and growing, right?
18:26: And yeah, so I’m excited to hear what.
18:29: OK, so it’s, it’s a little bit of a hard question to answer because I think that I do so much work within myself.
18:36: It’s one of the things I love about coaching is that it’s constantly in my face.
18:42: I do not coach what I don’t apply and practice myself.
18:46: And so what what’s really happened on the other side of all of the growth challenges and pains is that we’re kind of back to where we were before all the business growth, but I don’t think that that would have happened had I not been doing the work that I’ve done.
19:05: And although Eric hasn’t, you know, done traditionally what I have, he’s grown in his own way, and his path has been really powerful in its own right.
19:17: And so there’s now this like,, in a lot of ways, back to like how we were when we were first dating, but there is a maturity and a respect.
19:29: That is pretty profound.
19:31: Like as I’m thinking about it now, it’s like a foundation.
19:35: It it’s, it truly is like a respect and this maturity of like, I don’t have to rely on you for making me feel validated or acknowledged.
19:47: I don’t have to, you know, seek things from you that Normally I would have in the past.
19:55: It’s really just this, what can I give you today?
19:58: And what can I give?
19:59: It’s like we almost try and overgive each other.
20:01: , and, and again, like there’s still, you know, there’s still stuff.
20:05: We’re human beings.
20:06: There’s stuff that comes up.
20:08: , but the way in which we communicate is so different, and I think that’s that maturity and respect I’m talking about.
20:15: But you had to walk through a little crap.
20:17: I was gonna say it sounds it sounds like, you know.
20:21: The shit or the hard or the conflict or the struggle or the growth was what gave you guys the foundation that you have.
20:29: Yes.
20:30: And it’s almost like for anyone that’s listening, because I know for myself, as I’m establishing about to get married, I’ve just recently engaged, like all that, like all the stuff that we’re going through right now is going to get us to a place where we have this underlining respect and loyalty.
20:45: And also it sounds like our own inner validation and happiness.
20:51: Right, that you kind of have to find on your own, right at the end of the day, like, I still have my path, my purpose, what really aligns to me, what aligns to my fullest express self, and to find that with me in that.
21:02: And so how do you meet each other in that process where you are leaning into your fullest express self, really leading into your desires, but maybe it doesn’t really fully align with Eric, or Eric’s and chasing some other thing that caught his eye, and he’s like, I really love that, and I want to lean that way.
21:18: How do you guys Support each other and that, but then also meet each other in that.
21:23: Yeah, it’s, it’s interesting cause I, I want to speak to before I share that, like what I hear from a lot of the couples, and I’m gonna say every couple that I coach.
21:34: I don’t feel valued, I feel unappreciated, I don’t feel important, I don’t feel heard, like, all those things on both sides.
21:43: It’s not just the women, it’s the men who are saying it just as much.
21:48: Yeah.
21:48: And, and so it’s that like, that not that need to try and seek that from that other person that has made things so like aligned for us.
22:00: So, you know, we’re on very different trajectories in some sense in that like, he is now super active and like he got into road biking and like, just this morning, he rode 60 miles.
22:13: Like, you’re like, have fun.
22:15: I’m like, that’s the last thing I want.
22:18: not coming, yeah, yeah, he does, he sends me pictures and videos all the time.
22:24: I’m like, yeah,, and last night he was like, God, I wish you would come with me, and it was just like, you know what, I It doesn’t resonate.
22:35: Yeah, like, I love that you love it, and I am totally there to like, let me get your water ready for you and I will fully respond to all of your pictures and all of your videos that you send me.
22:48: , I want to use like a different word than support.
22:52: It’s really like, and he does this for me too.
22:55: There’s this, you know, a cheerleader versus a champion.
23:00: So a cheerleader will like, yeah, you go girl, and I’m so proud of you, and you go do your thing.
23:05: Like, cause I go off and I do workshops and, you know, speak all over and, and so he’s all he could very much so be like, yeah, you go do your thing.
23:15: But The champion is the one that’s like, what do you need so that you can be your best and show up yourself?
23:21: Can I get you your chair set up?
23:23: Do you need your, I don’t know, like your schedule like looked at or my husband for you.
23:31: You know he’s a champion for sure.
23:33: We’ve been together 10 years.
23:35: And vice versa.
23:36: Like, I do that for him too.
23:39: And so when you’re standing for that champion, because you’re not seeking.
23:45: Me like validate me, acknowledge me, make me feel valued.
23:49: That’s already something that you possess inside.
23:51: , it makes it so much easier to just, how, what can I do for you to make this better?
23:58: And not just asking, what can I do for you, but like anticipating what the need might be.
24:05: I love hearing this because I feel like you don’t often, unfortunately, like find couples in today’s world that This, and I feel like my husband and I have this, but we also started, I mean, we’ve been together almost 10 years, and we started more as codependent and like love me and need me, and because we had such a strong communication, like we were able to get to a place.
24:26: I mean, I think we’re a little behind you guys, but still, like hearing that is so inspiring because I’m like, I feel so treasured and I feel like what we have is so exactly how you’re describing Eric.
24:38: And it is a gift and I love hearing other women talk about it cause it shows what’s Possible and that you can get there and I love that that is what you get to do is help women and men come to that place cause I don’t think it matters if you haven’t found it, I think you can find it.
24:52: Absolutely.
24:52: It doesn’t matter where you’re at and you’re and like how bad it is.
24:57: I’ve had couples, the one that I can think of that’s most significant, it was going to be their 4th divorce.
25:04: They had been married, yeah, well, 4 times, and so this would have been there to send to you that’s pretty.
25:11: And they don’t, you know, they’ve done the therapy, the counseling that, you know, and they’d hurt each other a lot, and there it’s like, it doesn’t matter what your problem is, what the trauma is, this that I coach and share with people, which is called the 180 method, it, it heals, it heals you, it heals your relationship with God, it heals your relationship with your partner.
25:35: builds your relationship with yourself and then that’s where that’s where the juice.
25:39: Yeah, the magic.
25:41: I feel like any woman that’s listening and like that is hearing, like they’re feeling conflict in the relationship.
25:46: They feel so disconnected or they’re mad or angry, resentful toward their husband, but there’s a small little part of them that still wants the relationship.
25:54: You know, like how often have you gotten in a place where you’re like, I’m so mad at you, you don’t hear me.
25:58: , I could just scream at you.
26:00: But there’s also the other part of me, because I think we’re multidimensional humans use so many different parts.
26:04: There’s also the part it’s like, but I still want this relationship to work.
26:07: Yes, but you kind of fall into the cycle of like, could I find this somewhere else?
26:12: Can I go do this somewhere else?
26:13: Is it worth is it possible of healing this?
26:15: Can we repair this to the place where we do feel safe with one another again and you just talk to the ability of the possibility of that?
26:22: And I hope that gives couples a lot of just encouragement.
26:26: An inspiration of like, we can do this if we want to.
26:30: Exactly.
26:30: That’s a choice.
26:31: It is a choice.
26:33: And even more so, it’s a decision too.
26:35: Like when you decide something, you kill off every other option.
26:38: When you choose, there’s like, oh, well, today I might do this and tomorrow I might do that.
26:43: But yeah, if you’ve decided like, no, I want to be in this, and I’m scared and I don’t know how it’s going to happen or what we’re going to do, but like, I don’t want to leave.
26:53: Yeah.
26:54: Yeah.
26:55: In that, I’m just gonna peel that back a little bit deeper because I’m thinking about someone, in that, you know, let’s say one side of the equation really wants to do the work, but then the other side looks like they’re not doing, they don’t want to do the work.
27:08: So, a lot in my situation, a lot of the friends that I run into are just women.
27:12: They’re like, I’ve tried, I’ve given it at all, and they’re not just not willing to.
27:16: What would you say to that?
27:18: OK, two things.
27:19: One is that oftentimes, like what I hear from them.
27:23: is that it’s not that they don’t want to, it’s that they’re almost like not given the opportunity to, and they feel like if they were to continue trying, it’s never enough.
27:36: And so it creates.
27:38: Yeah, it’s never enough.
27:41: And then they always feel like they’re in trouble.
27:43: And so it’s not that like they don’t want to, they just don’t know how to.
27:49: So better to just retreat.
27:52: And withdraw and like hang out with the guys or play video games or, you know, work over.
28:00: Yeah, exactly.
28:02: Then to actually like deal with it, but they don’t want to leave.
28:05: Now, for the woman, the wife on the other side is viewing all of the actions as well, but no, he doesn’t, and he does this and he does that, and it’s like, all right, hold on.
28:15: So that is a big part of it is us as women give the men the opportunity to show up and actually the space for the work to be done.
28:27: But it’s really not that they don’t want to.
28:30: That makes a lot of sense.
28:32: I feel, at least with some of our friends or even some of my own friends, a lot of women too, I find, want them to know what to do and what they want and aren’t willing to tell them.
28:42: Like they don’t want to have to tell them.
28:45: I’m like, they’re not us.
28:47: They don’t know.
28:49: Like I had to tell Austin what I need and want, you know, for him to show up and hit vice versa.
28:55: Like, I frankly, we’re more intuitive, so I think I’m not gonna brag, but I feel like as women, we can show up very differently because we’re intuitive and we meet people’s needs and we understand, but I find, like, I’m sure you could speak to that a little deeper, but like, there’s this this not, you know, I just want them to know and they they should know, yeah, they should know, I should know exactly.
29:16: I mean, men love to provide, like, that’s part of the masculine part their providers and women are receivers,, or we’re, you know, that’s how the job is, you receive, you provide, and so they want to give, but if you’re not communicating and go with the expectation, expectations are killers, but, you know, expectation always leads to disappointment.
29:41: Oh my gosh.
29:43: stop expecting things of yourself and anyone else.
29:47: I have something to share about that.
29:48: Remind me to come back to.
29:50: But yeah, so like the expectation that they should know is definitely what’s killing part of the relationship.
29:59: But the moment you share what you need and why you need it, they need to know the why.
30:05: If you don’t share the why, it’s harder for them.
30:08: To want to give it, especially if there’s a bunch of stuff that has happened in between.
30:15: And by stuff I mean pain and hurt.
30:20: And then we women tend to emasculate men all the time.
30:25: I had this conversation.
30:27: OK.
30:28: OK.
30:29: I just had this conversation with someone with a client yesterday.
30:33: It was his individual call.
30:35: And oh, this couple, I’m like, just so proud of them.
30:39: Like, they were, if we got on a call and I was like, oh, OK, it was their couple’s call.
30:43: It’s like, this looks like you guys are done.
30:46: It was really bad.
30:47: And by the end, they had both decided, like, no, we’re we’re, we’re gonna do this and keep moving forward.
30:53: And so we had to go through like some really hard things between the two of them, and we got to a really good place and things have started shift.
31:00: And they were both like night and day difference, like you could see it.
31:06: And then I had my call with him.
31:08: So this is now like 3 months later, OK, from that.
31:11: And he was like, it’s going so good except this one thing.
31:15: , I’ll be talking to like my friends or like guys and like his wife isn’t even in the conversation per se, but she’ll come in and be like, kind of disrespect or say something.
31:26: Like, why did you say that?
31:28: That’s not what it is, or, you know, and just interject, basically.
31:33: And he was like, it makes me feel so bad about myself and like stupid and embarrassed in front of the guys that my wife is like interjecting and basically telling me I’m stupid and I wrong wrong.
31:46: Yeah, it’s like one, she wasn’t doing that.
31:49: Like, let’s clarify that first.
31:51: That’s a perception.
31:53: But 2, like, he has a point.
31:54: That’s a total emasculation, and anyhow, it was just like, it happens all the time and we don’t recognize that we turn into their moms.
32:05: And it’s because we think they should do this, they should just like the kids, they should know.
32:11: We’re leaving the house, get your shoes on, or they should know, like, don’t put your finger in that.
32:19: My dog, just kidding.
32:24: Oh I love it’s so true.
32:26: Actually, yeah, just to speak on that, Austin and I were at a breathwork class last night, we were driving home, and I jokingly was like, oh, you missed the light, you know, but he always drives like he is the driver, and he was like, stop doing that.
32:39: And I was like, what do you mean?
32:40: Like, I’m joking.
32:41: He’s like, you’re not joking, and I don’t appreciate that.
32:44: And the old version of myself would have been like,, I’m just kidding, take a joke, you know, but because we’ve done a lot of this, I was like, I’m sorry.
32:52: I really, yeah, I hear you and you’re right.
32:54: I do.
32:54: It just comes out, you know, it is, I don’t mean it to be rude, but like, yeah, that’s exactly, exactly.
33:00: It happens all the time.
33:02: Yeah, you don’t even realize it.
33:03: You’re just like, no no big deal.
33:04: And he’s like, stop.
33:06: Yeah, exactly.
33:07: Yeah.
33:07: I think one thing I want to pull on too for just listeners to hear too is like sharing the why behind something.
33:13: I think so often in a relationship, we’re just talking surface level, like there’s an expectation that they heard.
33:18: Or they know why I’m feeling this way or I asked for this thing and they get it, like they should just get it.
33:24: But they really don’t know.
33:25: I think there was like one moment with like Nick, for example, we were having like this argument, we got on the site and I shared with them.
33:30: It’s like, it makes me feel this way.
33:32: And he was like, Oh yeah, yeah.
33:35: I felt that way.
33:36: He, Rogers, he said that he’s like, now I get it.
33:39: It like kind of hit him.
33:40: He’s like, I have felt that way before and I don’t like that.
33:43: I’m sorry.
33:45: And it took him a second to get it, but I had to share the why, like, where is this making me feel?
33:49: And I think that took me, because as someone that was suppressed, we talk a lot about our people pleasing, our co-dependency and kind of suppressed from the world.
33:57: I didn’t know why I was feeling what I was feeling.
34:00: All I knew was I was wanting something, something, right?
34:04: And so I had to learn that level of depth for myself to be able to say, Oh, this makes me feel less than, or I am embarrassed, or I feel Ashamed or I feel guilty or I feel taken advantage of, or I feel all these things, which are a little feeling wheel is so helpful if you don’t know what you feel.
34:23: But it really takes that also that inner work to what you’re talking about to be able to let your partner in on your experience so they truly understand.
34:31: It’s not that they don’t want to understand, it’s just that they don’t have enough context to understand.
34:36: Yeah.
34:37: So true.
34:39: I wanted to bring you back so as I said earlier.
34:41: Connects to, so I was like, oh, this is a good segue.
34:47: Which is kind of in some, it’s like somewhat contradictory to what you’re saying, but not.
34:54: So yeah, we’re constantly trying to get our partners to understand both, both people are, understand me.
35:02: So it, it creates this huge conflict and drama within communication.
35:09: You know, let me tell you how I feel, like, tell you, let me tell you what my point is, but then the other person’s like, but let me tell you what mine is, and can’t you just understand me.
35:20: I feel like I have to, yeah, so everyone is trying to be understood, and it’s because this human nature.
35:29: of ours is like, if I’m understood, then I’m safe.
35:32: And, and if I’m understood, then I’m right, and that makes me feel safe.
35:39: We just talked to this when we were younger we had this desire to be right, like I have the knowledge and the yeah, yeah, and that shows up.
35:50: Relationship.
35:50: Absolutely, yes, and it does.
35:53: It has to all connects back to the brain and the amygdala and all of that jazz.
35:58: But so in communication, you’re both trying to be right.
36:01: Even something simple, like, that’s green.
36:04: No, it’s more of like a blue, you know, it’s like, OK, so just such, yeah.
36:11: It’s like, babe, no, it’s OK, I’ve, I hear that’s blue, but I think it’s, yeah, exactly.
36:15: It’s like, OK, so here’s where I typically go with couples.
36:20: It’s like, stop trying to understand each other cause you’re never going to understand.
36:27: It’s almost like if like if we had gla if I wore glasses and my prescription glasses are specifically for my eyes, my prescription, if I’m like, here, put on my glasses so you can see.
36:40: how I see and what I see, you’d put them on and be like, I can’t see.
36:44: Yeah, you know, it’s the same thing.
36:48: But yeah.
36:49: But yeah, we do that all the time.
36:51: And if we could just stop trying to be understood and then healing all the reasons why we’re trying to be understood, oh my God, the relationship turns into something beautiful.
37:02: So instead of trying to be understood, it’s like, can you see where the other person is coming from?
37:08: Not do you want Understand, but can you at least see?
37:11: Like, I could see why you’re saying that might be blue, maybe because of the way the light is reflecting on it.
37:17: Like, I don’t get it, but I could see why you might say that.
37:20: So it’s more about just being willing to see the other person versus.
37:27: Yeah.
37:27: Well I was gonna say, do you think going inward is also a part of just really understanding yourself and then being OK with whatever that looks like, so then you don’t seek that validation.
37:38: So from the outside world.
37:39: And I think it shows up lastly in our partnerships or first, depending on where you’re because that’s the person we’re usually closest to.
37:45: So we’re like, well, if no one else can see me, you can see me.
37:48: Yeah, yeah, and get me and understand me and all this stuff.
37:51: Yeah.
37:52: It’s like, no, I can’t literally like I cannot.
37:56: Yeah, yeah, that’s a great.
37:58: I’ve started, I don’t know if this is good, but I’ve started to use language like I get that, or I see that.
38:02: Yeah, I can see that.
38:04: I get that.
38:05: Like I don’t.
38:06: Maybe I don’t fully understand that, but I I get it.
38:08: Yeah, I see it.
38:09: That language is so much better than, yeah, we were trying to understand.
38:14: Yeah, and we were speaking to disappointment and how like learning that skill set of sitting in someone else’s disappointment and then being OK with like, you honored yourself or you, you know, I can hold that space for your disappointment, but also this is my truth.
38:28: And I feel like that is a hard skill set for sure especially, I mean, when you’re triggered, I think that’s the hard.
38:34: Oh my God.
38:35: I mean, when you’re completely activated and the parts of your wounds got touched or you know, whatever, you don’t understand, it’s so hard to get to a place like, I gotta take a deep breath and it’s it.
38:44: I get that.
38:45: And I’m feeling like this, you know, so that also comes up.
38:49: Exactly.
38:49: That’s why your own personal healing journey is so important, so important.
38:53: Yeah.
38:53: Yeah.
38:55: I, I love to teach my couples what I call the communication solution.
39:01: Yeah, and I can share it with, it’s a five step.
39:03: Process, but basically, you ask a question, like the more you’re asking questions versus going to an immediate like interpretation of what you think the other person is saying, like just happened the other night.
39:16: I got these, you know how the palazzo pants are like the jeans that are like tight and then they kind of, I don’t know like yeah.
39:25: So I got some of those and I thought they were super cute.
39:28: And so I asked Eric.
39:29: I was like, What do you think?
39:30: Do you like this?
39:31: this is.
39:32: This moment.
39:33: And, and he said like, oh, you know, it’s like, yeah, I mean, they’re not my favorite wasn’t what you wanted.
39:40: They’re my favorite.
39:41: And I immediately went to like, oh my God, OK, so you think I look horrible, you know, and there’s so there’s that like trigger moment, right?
39:50: And so you just stop and like ask a question.
39:53: And if your questions are starting with a what or how versus a why, why questions tend to trigger more.
40:00: That makes sense.
40:00: So, if you ask a lot, which I did, I was like, OK, hold on a second, Alejandro, like chill out.
40:05: That’s not what he said.
40:07: Just hold on, like, ask what he meant, cause I don’t know.
40:11: So I asked, like, what did you mean by that?
40:14: OK, what did you mean by that?
40:16: And he said, it’s just, I love when I can see your butt.
40:20: I was just gonna say he’s probably like, make them tighter, like legs are my favorite part of you, and I can’t see them.
40:25: And I was like, oh, OK, let me change.
40:30: But anyhow, so it starts with ask a question, and then you allow the person to respond, and that’s the second part.
40:38: The third part is the most skipped overstepping communication, and it’s the most important, which is to affirm or acknowledge, right?
40:46: Yes.
40:46: And so that affirming is just the whole, I get it.
40:50: I see why you say that, I hear you.
40:53: OK.
40:54: Mhm.
40:55: All right, good.
40:57: Anything that’s affirmative, because it allows the other person to know that they are heard, valued and respected.
41:04: Even if, again, you’re like, what color is this?
41:07: And they say it’s blue, and you just go, OK, I could see why you say that.
41:12: It’s affirming is not agreeing.
41:15: Yeah, it’s just affirming.
41:18: Yeah, exactly.
41:19: And then you share.
41:20: I can see why you say that because maybe how the light comes through, I’m actually seeing it as green, and so you share, and then you ask another question.
41:29: What do you want to do for dinner?
41:30: You know, and yeah, I’m just laughing because I think this is valuable for every single human, regardless of relationship.
41:38: It would have a much more cohesive world if we all just behaved this way, yeah.
41:43: Exactly, yeah.
41:44: Continue, sorry.
41:45: No, that’s it.
41:46: That’s the 5.
41:46: Ask a question, response, affirm, share, ask a question.
41:50: Oh, the whole thing.
41:51: I love that that is powerful.
41:55: I love that.
41:55: Now, as we start to wrap up here a little bit, which I can’t believe we’re coming up to time because I’m like I want we could talk for hours, so much more from you and you’re just, you’re sharing so much wisdom, which I think is so also very practical and tact.
42:07: cool.
42:08: So I love the way that you share because I feel like there’s so many little nuggets that everyone can take.
42:12: Passing the baton specifically to you, to get to know you specifically, based on where you are in your life right now and what is coming, where in your life can you be more fully expressed.
42:24: For me, being more fully expressed, I feel like it has to do a lot with I’m like, oh you know what, looking at the different, like the different areas of my life are kind of flashing, and I feel like I express so much.
42:40: Like I tell, I have people tell me that, wow, like you’ve shared a lot about yourself.
42:45: Like I’m, I’m always very vulnerable in what I share when it comes to personal things.
42:52: I think if anything, like, because I went into my career early on, social media was Not a thing.
43:01: I built my business on speaking and networking and referrals and cold calling.
43:07: Like, wow.
43:08: That’s awesome.
43:09: You know, like I was cold calling selling life coaching.
43:13: So social media is one of those places that’s like been challenging to navigate because I wasn’t of that mindset and schooling.
43:23: So to be able to like fully express myself with Something that one is a technology thing.
43:30: It’s an external thing.
43:32: And being able to like, sometimes when that red light goes on or you hit record, it’s like, oh, different person and just being able to like sink in and express who I actually am through all that I share on my social media is where I feel like that growth and expansion, because that’s how I see expressing is like How can I expand,, into more of who God wants me to be?
44:00: , and that is an area that’s like, oh, OK.
44:03: We put my camera up and, you know, do the thing and still be me.
44:07: Yeah, and still be you, and I I think you really broke that down because I feel like social media does create that space.
44:12: You’re like, the camera’s on.
44:13: I had to like sit up and I had to change or like, how’s my hair look?
44:17: Am I standing up enough so someone can see me?
44:20: You need a filter.
44:21: Yeah, and like my voice changes, like, why is it changing?
44:25: Stop it.
44:26: Yeah, it’s like you micro judge yourself.
44:30: It’s so easy and there’s so many people to compare yourself to and it’s hard to get, I feel like as a woman, especially, it’s yes, yeah, that’s beautiful.
44:39: Yeah, but it’s like the gift of just being one of you, yeah, on social media, which is this external thing, but it’s like, how do you practice this being you?
44:47: Yeah, I really have learned a lot about myself through it.
44:51: And just, it, it’s actually made me be a lot more comfortable with like, guys, I’m a dork.
44:57: Like, I, you should see me.
44:59: Like I am just kind of dorky, and I love it.
45:02: Like I’m a refined dork, is what I say.
45:04: Because, you know, I still look cute, but I’m like being silly in my office and with clients and and to be able to bring that into the camera and like put it out there into like the world for Everybody to see has really allowed me to just like take ownership of myself.
45:21: So, yeah, I do more of that.
45:23: That’s beautiful.
45:24: So beautiful.
45:25: I think we can all take that as well into our lives just generally, whatever room you step into.
45:30: bringing like your fullest express cell.
45:32: So thank you so much.
45:34: This was amazing.
45:35: I could talk to you for hours.
45:36: I loved this.
45:39: We could do that.
45:40: We can do it again.
45:40: Yeah it again again.
45:43: Well thank you so much for coming today.
45:46: I here in person.
45:47: Thank you.
45:48: Yeah, this is so wonderful.
45:50: I feel so helpful.
45:51: Yeah, and sometimes I think relationship wise or even in interpersonal relationships, it’s easy to get lost in the in the chaos of everything.
45:59: And so yeah, everything you’ve said is so relatable and easy to understand, and I feel like it’s going to help so many people.
46:06: He already has 5000 clients.
46:08: That’s incredible.
46:09: Now that you’re saying you’ve like cold call and done all these things for most of them, that is like such a testament to your Just awesomeness.
46:16: Wow, thank you.
46:17: How can, before we wrap up, how can someone connect with you, find you if they want to learn more from you?
46:23: You said you’re showing up on social media more.
46:25: , what does that look like?
46:27: Yeah, best place is through Instagram, and I’m known as the baller coach, because she is.
46:33: I mean, there’s a whole story behind that one too, but Another time.
46:37: But yeah, the baller coach on Instagram, it’s also my website.
46:40: Like anything the baller coach, it’s all out there now, so.
46:44: Yay, yeah, so perfect.
46:46: All right, well, go follow her, go give her a follow, and yeah, also would love to hear what your review is or your thoughts about the episode.
46:53: So go ahead and just comment your reviews.
46:55: Let us know what it was like hearing from Alejandra and what your takeaway were, and we’ll see you next week.
47:00: See you next week.
In this episode, tune in to hear about:
- What It’s Like to Be in an “Elite Couple”
- What It’s Like to Be a High-Achieving Woman While Your Partner is Still Finding Himself
- How to See Beyond Your Partner’s “Lost” Phase
- How to Navigate Conflict When You and Your Partner Are on Different Trajectories
- What to Do When You Want Your Partner to Find Their Passion and Purpose
- Surrendering and Trusting God
- Becoming the Champion of Your Relationship
- Loving Each Other’s Path
- How You Might Be Emasculating Your Masculine Partner
- How to Communicate Better in Your Relationship
Links & Resources:
Free 180 Method Masterclass: https://180methodgroup.com/free-masterclass/
Connect with Alejandra:
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TheBallerCoach
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theballercoach
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@theballercoach1813
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@theballercoach
Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/alejandracrisafulli/
About Alejandra:
Alejandra Crisafulli is an Award Winning Master Coach and Global Speaker. With over 20 years of experience in coaching, training and development, Alejandra is considered one of the “pioneers” of the coaching industry. She has worked with over 5,000 coaching clients, trained over 300 coaches, guided entrepreneurs to scale into multi 6+ figure and 7+ figure businesses, and has built a multimillion-dollar coffee business with her husband Eric spanning Southern California. Known for her engaging and compelling style, she has taken practical business expertise with the foundation of God, giving her clients the modern-day magic that gets results.
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