Episode #61: Does It Really Make Sense to Set New Year Goals in the Dead of Winter?

0:02: Welcome to the Fully Express podcast.
0:03: We are your hosts, Samantha and Karenna.
0:06: This is a show where we invite you into your fullest expressed self and life, relationships and business.
0:11: We believe that if you crave more, you are meant for more.
0:14: There is room for all of us to be fully expressed.
0:17: Along with the show, we’ve created a virtual community to connect you with fellow listeners.
0:22: Make sure to check out the fully expressed community membership.
0:25: You’ll find the link to join in the show notes and on our website.
0:28: So excited to see you there.
0:30: Enjoy this new episode.
0:34: Welcome to this week’s episode.
0:37: We’re going to do a little Sam and Karenna session this week.
0:40: Yeah.
0:41: So you got both me and Sam here today.
0:44: Hi, Sam and I have been talking so much about our journeys of what it really looked like to live, you know, being suppressed, to finding this desire to be fully expressed and really painting the picture.
1:00: I, you know, I don’t think there is an end vision to this journey because I think it’s constantly evolving.
1:05: But what did it look like?
1:06: Even just to go from like suppressed to get getting into this mindset or this perspective of like, I want to be more of me, I want to bring all of me and what does that actually look like?
1:18: And so today we’re really going to dive into that specifically what it looked like for each of us.
1:25: And maybe you’re probably going to see a lot of similarities in our journey because Sam and I are very similar as well as, you know, probably a lot of differences or different perspectives.
1:34: So we’re really hoping to give you guys what to look forward to.
1:37: And then hopefully, as you hear us, maybe you also hear a little bit about yourself and you can pinpoint where you are on that journey.
1:44: Yeah, I love it.
1:45: Yeah.
1:46: So do you want to kick us off?
1:47: Sam Sure.
1:50: Where should I start of a long journey?
1:54: So I was like, well, one has been a full day and you’re like, where do I even start?
1:59: Well, I guess I’ll, I’ll start a little bit then, you know, when I think about this, like, I didn’t really know that I was desiring to be fully expressed.
2:07: When I first started my journey, it felt very disconnected from the world.
2:11: If anything, I, you know, I was on a podcast just this week and we are talking about this and one thing that like really hit home for me as we were reflecting and talking about it was at the time when I felt like I wanted to grow and become better.
2:25: I did it because I felt like I wasn’t enough in one way.
2:28: So there were parts of me that felt very insecure.
2:32: I was really living in like a lot of people pleasing tendencies, the way that I operated and viewed the world was like, through everyone else’s eyes.
2:39: I didn’t really know what my eyes wanted to see.
2:43: I was just kind of more responding to, well, what is this person knew?
2:46: What does this person want?
2:48: , when I was dating or in relationships, I always find myself getting really lost in relationship.
2:53: I felt like every time that I started dating someone new all of a sudden, like they were my world and, and I even experienced that with some friendships and that ended up, I ended up recognizing that I had a lot of codependency tendencies and I was very codependent.
3:08: If anything, like the way that I moved in the world was so much operating from like, well, how is this person going to perceive me?
3:15: How is this person going to respond?
3:17: What does that actually look like?
3:19: But I don’t think I really found it until I really got to a place where I’m like, I don’t want to feel like this anymore.
3:23: I was going to ask, what was the moment or the point that you recognize that behavior and realized this doesn’t feel good.
3:31: I mean, everything was crumbling.
3:33: I was obsessed with my body and my image, I was struggling with an eating disorder.
3:39: You know, I never felt safe.
3:41: Probably, you know, I felt safe in some moments.
3:44: But like, and biggest thing is like, I didn’t know what I really wanted.
3:48: I think that was like the other thing, like, if someone really, like, sat me down and was like, so what do you want to do in this world?
3:53: I would have answered from the place of like, well, you know, what makes everyone else successful is I need to be in sales and be in a corporate job and this is what I’m going to follow.
4:01: And so I was very much living by the ways of everyone else’s being.
4:07: But if you ask me, what does Corona really want?
4:10: I couldn’t answer that.
4:11: I was way too insecure internally to say this is what I wanted.
4:14: I had no connection to my voice.
4:17: And so that’s when it kind of all hit nail head.
4:19: And I was like, absolutely exhausted.
4:20: And I was like, I can’t keep living like I’m in this gloomy dark gray space when some sometimes shine would lay through, but nothing felt consistent or nothing felt like I could really hold in.
4:35: My foundation didn’t feel good.
4:37: Yeah, I can really tell what was, what was your story like I feel, I mean, I was definitely, it’s interesting because a lot of people describe me as an extrovert and I think I have a lot of extroverted tendencies.
4:51: But as a child, like, I really, my parents sent me to a Lutheran school and I was one of, to Lutheran school.
4:57: I know, I think we talked about this before.
5:00: There was only 20 kids in the class and you stayed with those 20 kids for, you know, till sixth grade and there were seven girls and all of the moms were stay at home moms except for my mom.
5:11: So there was a camaraderie that kind of happened and I definitely still had friends, but I always felt like I never quite related or fit in.
5:18: So I spent a lot of time alone and a lot of time around adults.
5:22: So I think a lot of my early years, I struggled to find connection to people my own age because I just surrounded myself myself with like adults.
5:31: And even in high school, I ate lunch with my friend’s mom who was the librarian in the library.
5:36: Like I just, I don’t know, I just, and I think I also was seeking wisdom.
5:40: So I would always find myself talking to my friend’s parents.
5:43: Like I’d come over and then I’d, I’d hang out with my friend’s parents instead, you know, and I think it took a while for that to catch up to being an adult and realizing one it’s ok to have friends of many ages.
5:56: But I think because of that, it made me uncomfortable around people my own age for a really long time.
6:00: And that’s where the people pleasing.
6:02: Like same thing I dealt with an eating disorder as well.
6:05: Totally obsessed with my body.
6:08: And I think looking for ways to channel the anxiety that I felt in those situations and the and the anxiety I felt around just like not fitting in.
6:17: And I think it came to a point where I was craving female friendships and I was craving deeper friendships.
6:26: And it wasn’t until probably my early thirties that I really became aware of all of that, that was underlying like I wanted and I know we’ve discussed this before but being someone who is the mother energy for people or the list or I felt comfortable in that role because I didn’t have to show my vulnerable point parts.
6:43: You know, I even now, I mean, I’m way more open now about my life but there was a time where I just, no one would have even known I was going through anything challenging because I just would never talk about it.
6:53: Like I was always solving it on my own.
6:57: I know you can’t relate to this.
6:58: solving it on my own.
7:00: Like don’t worry about me.
7:01: And I also felt like it was a burden to put my problems on other people.
7:05: I think that is a people pleaser thing is like, I would never burden my friends with my problems that’s not for them to, I’ll hold the, like, I’ll hold the space.
7:13: But no, no, no, I don’t need to be held.
7:14: I’ll just, I’ll just put it all inside and figure it out.
7:17: And I think same thing, it came to a point where I was, I was happy on the outside, but I wasn’t really happy on the inside and I was craving more.
7:25: I relate so much to everything that you said.
7:27: Something that I thought of when you were talking about that I had this like I did this one like vision meditation or something like that that brought me back to like my childhood.
7:36: And I have this one specific vision where I’m playing on the playground with all these kids and I can see them playing and being their fullest express self, like literally being a child, but I can’t see myself.
7:49: And I just never thought that I was like, that was like a big part of me.
7:53: It was like, I never really brought myself to play with them.
7:56: I didn’t know how to, all I knew was like, oh, I see all these things like there is this outs perspective, but I didn’t know how to bring myself into that because I didn’t know who I was as a little girl.
8:07: I didn’t know how to play in that, how to be myself.
8:11: And which led to, well, how can I find connection to your point?
8:15: And it was like, well, if I can become this listening ear to everyone, then that’s how I’m going to feel connected.
8:21: Yeah.
8:21: Then that’s how I’m going to be for people.
8:23: You know, that’s how I know that.
8:24: And then the more that I peel that back, I also realized that I was doing that because I was like, well, if you show me your vulnerable parts of you, then you’re never going to leave me because you need me.
8:34: You know what I mean?
8:35: Or because I’m going to be that person for you.
8:37: It was almost, it was very eye opening, especially when I later on in my life.
8:43: But I think I’ve talked to you about this before.
8:44: My best friend and I were sitting on the couch and we learned about the enneagram and which is a personality test.
8:50: But it’s basically, you know, really based on how you were raised.
8:53: And there’s nine different types and one of the types that I tested for really highly was a two, which is the helper and the lover.
8:59: I tested for two too.
9:00: You did two?
9:00: OK.
9:01: So this is not the two podcasts.
9:03: Yeah, this is the two podcast.
9:07: Where am I to that creativity?
9:09: I forget which one that was like there were the 44 and two, I can see that for you.
9:14: Maybe authority anyways, the two was like the self or the help or the lover.
9:20: And as a people pleaser, you know, I always thought that I was giving people love.
9:25: Like that was my love language.
9:27: And when I ended up learning there was this one podcast that just like, kind of ripped me a new one and it was like, actually twos are so selfish.
9:35: And I was like, what do you mean to?
9:36: So I was like, I’ve lived my whole life giving to everyone but myself.
9:42: What do you mean?
9:45: But the truth was like, what they shared was like as a two because we don’t know how to be with our void or because I didn’t know how to be with the voids within me.
9:55: I would reach out to other people by helping because who was I when I wasn’t helping, who was I when I wasn’t being here, who was I when I wasn’t calling in to check on my friends?
10:05: Because that was the thing that I was doing and I was like, I don’t know who I am, you know.
10:11: Yeah, I was like shit, I don’t know who I am when I’m not in, in that.
10:15: And so because I wasn’t comfortable with my own void because I wasn’t comfortable facing the fact that I didn’t know who I was.
10:21: I guess it was selfish of me because I was using being there for other people as a way to avoid being with yourself, being with myself, which led me to realizing that, wow, I’m so suppressed.
10:32: I am nowhere I am nowhere near expressing Karenna, like who the hell is Karenna?
10:38: I don’t know who that was.
10:39: Yeah.
10:39: Yeah.
10:40: I mean, I feel like my whole life is like, who am I?
10:42: And why am I here?
10:43: And what do I want?
10:44: And how do I want to show up?
10:46: And I, yeah, 100% I feel, I think for me too, because I didn’t know how to be in deep relationship with women particularly, but even in partnership, that realization that I was not actually being vulnerable, I was just holding the space for those to be vulnerable, which is beautiful.
11:02: I mean, it’s not a negative but I feel like of course, I couldn’t be met.
11:07: I wasn’t allowing myself to be met.
11:08: And I think when I started doing that I have attracted, I mean, you just the most incredible women that are and I feel that I’m also in doing that sharing more with strangers with people in such a different way.
11:23: I’m not afraid to be seen as not perfect.
11:26: I think that was another thing is I was like, I need to co I’m the wise one.
11:30: I’m the perfect one.
11:31: Like not that I, I was trying to be better then, but I just wanted to be perceived as like I have it together.
11:36: I don’t have problems, you know, because I, I don’t know, I think it’s, I think it goes back to we’ve spoken about this on a previous episode, but wanting to be right, wanting to be the, the wise age, the wise teacher.
11:48: And it’s funny because now that I’m a decade older than I was at the time.
11:52: And I started thinking, I wanted these things and being kind of a know it all.
11:54: I’m like I knew nothing, like I knew nothing and it taught me to be a better listener and a better caretaker.
12:02: And,, you know, I can’t help but talk about astrology, but I had a reading when I was 25 I think, and I recently went back and just listened to a portion of it and a lot of it, you know, some of it resonated, some of it didn’t.
12:16: But something she said that really did resonate.
12:18: And I think this is so true for honestly any people pleaser.
12:21: But she was like, if you’re giving and you don’t feel like you’re receiving anything back and it doesn’t have to be in that exact moment.
12:28: But in general, like, if you’re in a friendship and you’re giving and at no point, do you feel like that’s coming back to you then that’s your sign that you’re living in your karma, like you’re living in your past and that it should feel mutually exclusive.
12:40: And I think that that is like the one thing I took away because I feel like over time I’ve worked on that and really learned how to set more boundaries and not give as much.
12:50: And in doing that has led me to be more of my fully expressed self.
12:55: I want to pull in the thread on that a little bit.
12:57: You talked about like how you realize that by bringing more to you, people can meet you in that.
13:03: And I think that’s a part of the journey is learning how to bring yourself into relationship and by bringing yourself into relationship.
13:10: Like some clear examples are like literally saying like I don’t feel good today, I am struggling with this or I am happy.
13:18: You know, that was something else that I realized that I struggled with was like, how to if someone was sad, but I was actually feeling really good.
13:25: Like how do I honor their sadness but then also not take away my joy or vice versa.
13:31: What if they’re happy?
13:33: I felt like a chameleon.
13:33: I was like, well, they’re happy.
13:34: Then I have to be happy 100%.
13:36: If they’re sad, then I have to be sad.
13:37: And like the truth was, well, ok, that doesn’t really do anything for a relationship.
13:42: And when you talk about relationship, I think it’s so important for us to recognize that we are in relationship, everything in our lives.
13:48: We are in a relationship with our business.
13:50: We are in a relationship with money.
13:51: We are in a relationship with our friendships with our girlfriends.
13:53: We are in a relationship with a romantic partner.
13:55: We are in a relationship with our parents right there is a related to everything.
14:00: And so when you, when the relationship is one sided, where all we do is give to that one side, then that side never really gets to know us.
14:11: And it’s like, well, if we want our lives, our business, our romantic partner, our friend to meet us and start to give us the things that just really land on our soul.
14:22: We have to be willing to express ourselves.
14:24: Yeah.
14:25: And I think it’s also challenging because just for me, in particular, I didn’t have a typical mom.
14:32: I had a really hard working, like in her masculine mother, I didn’t even know what it meant to be vulnerable with women.
14:39: I never saw that.
14:40: So I think too, it, the more I started to open I was like, oh, this, this can be safe and then you can go deeper and then you discover more of yourself too and more of like who you are and you’re allowed to be held.
14:53: And it also took me deeper in partnership.
14:55: I think it took me deeper in my relationship first because I felt safe with my partner to do that.
15:01: And then once I felt comfortable there, I was like, hm, what would this be like with women?
15:04: You know, in friendship?
15:06: And, and I started just setting the intention and it was not easy for sure.
15:12: You know, because I think it’s easier to like, have a facade and put on this character to a certain extent.
15:17: But the more I’ve shown up, the more I just get met with the most beautiful dynamics and relationships.
15:23: And yeah, I mean, I think it’s society when women get pitted against each other a lot, which is a bummer because I think we’re here to collaborate and help and I know together you and I have been stepping into groups of women where this is really the the ethos of the group which is support and collaboration.
15:40: And it’s so cool to see because I think women can just change the whole world.
15:44: Sorry, I mean, men can too, but they’re not doing that great of a job at the moment.
15:47: So I think the women need to take over and small little plug.
15:51: Yeah.
15:52: But yeah, I mean, how does it feel for you?
15:54: Like how did that feel for you to be able to like when you started revealing yourself?
15:59: Like, what was your experience with that?
16:00: Yeah, I think, you know, I, and this is my personal experience but also what I used to tell clients when I worked with them, one on one is like, especially if you’re starting to use your voice as someone that has been suppressed your whole life.
16:12: It’s going to feel like so hard.
16:15: I don’t know how to say it.
16:16: I think I did a real one swear anyways, it just feels really loud.
16:20: And what’s interesting is like I had to get really comfortable of listening to myself speak because I personally was really good at listening to everyone else, but like getting really comfortable hearing me speak about my feelings or acknowledging my feelings were saying them at the beginning when I started to say like, well, I need to be more expressive.
16:41: I need to use my voice.
16:42: I need to bring myself out there.
16:43: I felt like I was screaming.
16:45: I felt like it was loud.
16:48: I don’t know, like energetically just felt like a lot for me.
16:50: And it was a lot for me one on one place of like, oh, it’s a lot for me to even say this to you.
16:56: But in some ways, like it also showed up in relationship where it turned into me like yelling or being louder and like you’re not hearing me and what I had to realize was like, oh my gosh, that person doesn’t know what I sound like.
17:09: Yeah.
17:09: And it’s not their fault.
17:11: I just haven’t brought myself to the relationship.
17:13: I haven’t brought myself to this life like no one really knows that I am.
17:16: So it, you know, at the beginning, it really took me getting comfortable and recalibrating myself to, well, what does it sound like to use my voice?
17:26: What does it look like to ask for what I want?
17:27: What does it look like to say?
17:28: No.
17:29: You know, how often have I actually as a people pleaser saying no was like the scariest thing.
17:34: And now I’ve gone to this place where I’m like, oh, no, that’s a, no, I’m good.
17:39: And it’s so much more easy and fluid versus before.
17:42: It just felt like a lot.
17:44: So, for me personally, it felt like a lot.
17:46: And then eventually my sister was able to recalibrate to, like, ok, this is what crea sounds like.
17:52: This is what she wants and it’s ok.
17:54: Yeah, I love that.
17:55: Something I, that it made me think of is I feel like when I started to speak my truth or speak up more or be more vulnerable, that little inside critical voice would come on and then a lot of times I’d be reflecting on what I just said or even conversations after conversations over, I’m like, did I say that?
18:13: Right.
18:13: Yeah.
18:14: Did I sound wrong?
18:15: Did they take that offensively?
18:16: And I’m reliving the conversations over and over again.
18:19: Yes, 100%.
18:20: And I feel that the more I have it way less now it’s, it’s not perfect.
18:25: It creeps its little head in every once in a while.
18:27: But I feel that the more confident I became in myself, the less I needed to be right, the more I could just express and, and be me and be messy and be vulnerable.
18:37: That voice doesn’t speak up as much anymore.
18:38: It’s much quieter and I feel like you’re just way more present in the moment and you’re like, oh I’m seen and it’s ok.
18:47: Yeah.
18:48: No, go ahead.
18:49: Well, one other thing I was going to say is, you know, we had a conversation with Alejandra and that it really struck me when she was talking about men and women not necessarily ever being understood fully.
19:02: But I feel like women do have a gift of understanding each other on a, on a very different level than men because we just tick so differently and we’re so similar.
19:11: I feel like there are so many times that because I became vulnerable and I shared all of myself, I feel so seen and understood and accepted and that’s really cool.
19:21: Yeah, that was why the healing part is like getting to a place where you could bring yourself forward and then you are received and so loved.
19:27: What I think is also an important piece of that part of the journey is also getting really comfortable with the fact that you may not be received totally, you cannot be hurt, you may not be seen, especially you may lose friends.
19:43: You will go through this a lot of unlearning and that means a lot of un letting go of like, well, also you people are only perceiving you one way and then all of a sudden you’re stepping into your truth and power and they’re like, whoa, you’re this person and to be frank, it’s OK that they’re asking those questions, it’s ok if you no longer align with them and you can’t get mad at them for not loving you through it because why you just might not be an energetic match for them.
20:09: You’re no longer in alignment for them and there’s nothing wrong with that.
20:12: But as you start to step into your fullest express self, there are going to be to your point, relationships, business opportunities, careers.
20:20: what else?
20:22: Anything like the way that you live your life?
20:24: A lot of letting go and that shift and it’s going to shift and you’re going to do a lot of shedding and you’re shedding.
20:31: I feel like a snake.
20:32: You know, you’re shedding a lot of different layers that have just been stuck there for years.
20:36: And when you finally shed those layers and you finally have this fresh beautiful skin, you are essentially now who you’ve always been.
20:47: But I think the to talk to the journey from suppressive expressed, there’s so much of letting go and shedding and then by becoming aware and unlearning, you’re also relearning about to be you because you’ve always been you.
21:03: The only reason you forgot who you are or how you show up in this world is because of your experiences.
21:10: It’s because of the way that your parents raise you, which I don’t want to talk about.
21:13: I don’t need to go down that rabbit hole, but it’s true, right?
21:16: We love you parents anyways.
21:19: The experience that you have received in your life have molded you and now by going through this journey, you’re kind of stepping into your power.
21:27: I mean, like I get to choose if this is for me or not.
21:30: Yeah.
21:31: And that’s part of the journey.
21:32: Yeah.
21:32: And even actually just one moment pivoting for the parents.
21:35: I also think if you’re not able to like be better than your parents, then your parents maybe didn’t even do a good job because we should be getting better and evolving and learning.
21:45: And hopefully they created a space that we even if it’s a space of trauma or a space of love ever, it was if we’re able to get to that place to reflect and say I want to do this different or I want to do this, you know, I love what they did when they did this for my childhood or whatever.
22:01: I feel like there’s an honor in that too.
22:02: You know, I would hope that my future Children are going to be better than me and show up with more love and a deeper capacity for understanding and empathy is so, you know, in the same, in the same note.
22:13: Yeah, I’m with you.
22:14: Yeah.
22:15: What else came back for you as you were like?
22:18: But we’re still on this forever journey of Finding Apple Express version.
22:21: But what else do you feel like?
22:23: Was like a big milestone that you had to meet yourself in and maybe overcome?
22:29: I feel like there’s been a few I think one of the biggest milestones was letting go.
22:36: Well, one for sure was when I really started diving deep into just being me, I lost a friend, group, like a full friend group.
22:44: And really, because one person brought me into that group and we just had a falling out.
22:48: So then obviously, like it was her group that was really hard to let go of because I really struggle with rejection.
22:55: And I remember my husband just saying, you know, hold the hold the image of women that are actually connected to who you are and who see you and who are on your frequency and the group, you know, they were, they were great, they were beautiful women, but they were also like partying and drinking and like doing things that didn’t really fully align with me.
23:16: And so I just trusted that and I let it go and that was really hard.
23:20: There is a big part even in the way that the friendship ended was so different for me because oftentimes I’d be the one profusely apologizing and taking the full accountability and responsibility even if it wasn’t my fault.
23:32: And so it was kind of a two for one because it was letting go of that and being like, I don’t, I have nothing to apologize for.
23:37: I have not done anything.
23:38: And I’m truly in that situation, like I just showed up as myself and I wasn’t received.
23:43: And so I think letting go of that and allowing that whole situation to play out and then trusting that I would be met, I think I met Kimberly maybe a couple weeks after that.
23:55: And Kimberly is someone who’s brought me into this group that ended up me meeting you and so many other women.
24:00: So I feel like, because I was in that mindset and I’d let go.
24:05: I entered a situation where I was like, oh, ok, I can be received and yeah, but it was hard, it was really hard to let go.
24:13: That is such a deep part of this process.
24:16: It’s the part of to your point is the rejection.
24:20: But also just the like wanting to hold on to old parts of yourself and old versions of you while you’re also holding the vision and yeah, it’s such a delicate dance that there’s a lot of, of pain and a lot of grieving.
24:31: I think more than anything.
24:32: You kind of like grieving old versions of you old parts of you that and also trying to hold the vision to like this is for the better me.
24:40: I love that you said that like reminding yourself like there’s nothing wrong that you did because you can get into this place.
24:47: Like am I wrong for growing?
24:48: Am I wrong for wanting to be better?
24:51: Am I wrong for wanting to heal these parts of me?
24:54: Am I wrong for wanting to eat this way?
24:58: Do my lifestyle this way.
24:59: I mean, there’s so many things, like, am I wrong for thinking these things or wanting to create a relationship this way when, you know, maybe the majority of my world or what I see right now doesn’t see that.
25:10: Yeah.
25:11: And that can be for anyone that could be, I think for anyone that’s any part of the journey, you know, when you could see yourself in this world and then all of a sudden, you know, you’re like, that’s I’m really curious about that.
25:23: But how do you listen to your curiosity and then be OK with like maybe your collective or your sense of the people that are in your life might not come with you.
25:33: And it’s one of the hardest things as human beings for us to wrap our mind around because psychologically and biologically we want to, we want to belong, belong is like such a deep core need, I would say of being human.
25:47: And so now you’re saying like we, I want that thing, but I may no longer belong in my current yeah world.
25:55: I mean, I felt that in my own family, that’s probably the place I I’ve had to step into my power the most.
26:00: And food was like you mentioning food is such a huge one and health and wellness and setting boundaries.
26:07: And when I first started like becoming obsessed with and I will call it an obsession like obsessed with healthy eating and eating organic and these sort of things like my family called me a food Nazi.
26:17: They were like, you’re, this is ridiculous.
26:19: This is crazy because I just wouldn’t eat it and it triggered them so hard for me to just say, yeah.
26:26: No, that’s my boundary.
26:27: Like I don’t want to eat that and it’s not personal, I’m not, it’s not to be insulting.
26:30: I just am choosing not to put that in my body.
26:33: Now, they all eat organic and of course, and they’ve, I mean, they’re not perfect.
26:36: They’ve jumped on the train though.
26:37: But I think that was another big place and I know wellness is so important to you too.
26:42: So I’m sure you could relate to that.
26:44: And I would love to hear kind of the same question or the same answer to the same question, your answer to the same question.
26:51: Yeah.
26:51: But yeah, I agree with you.
26:53: I mean, I mean, we should do probably a wellness topic because my wellness obsession was not healthy.
27:00: And so, but at the end of the day, what we’re talking to you so much is just the desire that you have to be different could shake up and rattle up the people around you.
27:12: And I feel like inevitably it got to be prepared for it.
27:15: It’s just you can’t avoid it.
27:17: And if you want to step into your fullest express self, you got to be confident with.
27:21: However anyone responds, people might be angry.
27:23: People might judge, you might have an opinion and who gives a shit to be honest because like, are you doing this for you or for them?
27:30: It’s kind of like that Instagram.
27:31: I feel like you posted it before where it was like it was Mel Brooks.
27:35: I think it’s her name or Mel Mel Robbins, Mel Robbins, Mel Brooks, Mel Robbins.
27:39: And she said your Instagram is not for your friends and family.
27:42: Your Instagram is for your business.
27:44: Your Instagram is for you.
27:45: And I think that that is, that’s true of all of life.
27:48: There’s the only person you have to report to at the end of the day is yourself.
27:52: And oh yeah.
27:55: And I think that we as people pleasers especially, it’s so easy to be like, what do they think?
28:01: What do they think?
28:01: What do they think?
28:02: How are they going to receive this?
28:04: How are they going to feel?
28:05: And it really does not matter and you will find to, I know you do too like total liberation in just saying and again, I think it’s easy to think, oh I’m selfish now.
28:15: But really, it’s like everyone else is putting themselves first.
28:18: It’s OK to put yourself first, you know, and still give and still and still be a good human.
28:23: And I think you’ll also swing the other way.
28:26: So like, I think of healing as a pendulum and I’ve always thought to myself like you’re going to be on one side of the pendulum.
28:32: And to be honest, you got to swing all the way to the other extreme to fucking learn what’s on the other side of that stream.
28:39: And a part of that is putting yourself first.
28:41: You are going to be a part of this journey where you’ve got to learn how to put yourself first and then I promise you the pendulum’s going to swing back and eventually you’re going to find balance where like around the middle where you can put yourself first and also honor someone else’s needs.
28:55: You can definitely hear it won’t listen and not be judgmental, but you are going to go through these parts of you that are going to make sense of what’s happening and then just giving yourself permission to go through that because it ends up creating a better foundation for your fullest express self.
29:11: You will end up, you know, bringing in people that are really in alignment, you’ll be end up putting yourself in situations that just feel really good because you are leaning into your desires.
29:21: You are going after what you want and the people that are meant to be with, you will always flow with you.
29:26: If they don’t, that’s OK.
29:28: Their path is in a different direction.
29:30: They’re going to flow in a different direction that is their destiny.
29:33: Yeah, 100%.
29:35: They’re in a season and not in the whole story.
29:38: I want to show this one quick thing Nick and I are, it kind of brings us all together, but Nick and I are watching a show called Dark on Netflix.
29:46: I don’t know if you’ve heard of it.
29:47: So we found it on Tik Tok because we were like, what show do we watch?
29:50: And it’s kind of annoying because it’s so long and dragged out.
29:54: But it’s also good at the same time.
29:57: And like with the underlining story to it is like this, these two people are trying to save their world, but they have the ability to time travel 33 years forward and 33 years and behind and any time, no, just 33 years before and they can also go back and forth.
30:14: So depending on the date, they can go from that date to 33 years.
30:17: And then the entire show is kind of wrapped up in this way.
30:21: And the underlying story that keeps coming back to you is like, no matter how many times you go back 33 years and try and fix the past, no matter how much forward you try and go to the future to try and prevent the past.
30:34: However, that works because everything’s connected.
30:37: The whole point of the story is that you still end up getting your destiny.
30:40: It might not look the same way, you might have changed something, but you can’t avoid what your destiny really is.
30:48: That’s awesome.
30:49: And in the last season, they introduced like a I’m sorry if I’m giving you guys insight into the show, I love it.
30:55: The last season is like the another world and the whole story is that he no longer the person, primary character no longer exists in that world, but someone else has stepped into his role and he ends up learning that he’s like both worlds are going to end.
31:10: There’s literally nothing that you can do.
31:13: He’s like, and they are literally living the same lessons in the other world even though it looks completely differently.
31:19: And so when you think about this for our lives, I was like, wow, that is so beautiful.
31:25: And a way of really surrendering to how your journey evolves is the way that it’s going to evolve.
31:31: You can’t go back and change it.
31:32: You can’t control the way that the future looks.
31:34: You can’t, you know, you can’t, you know, the more that we try and control and like in the show, it’s so interesting, he constantly goes back every new episode to try and change some part of the timeline.
31:45: And at the end of the day, the time I live differently, but the destiny is the same.
31:49: And so as I think about that for your journey, as you’re stepping into like your fullest express self is like being ok with however the pieces fall and learning how to be with the pieces.
32:00: Yes, there’s going to be grieving.
32:01: Yes, there’s going to be a lot of like going a lot of shedding, a lot of pain and maybe things that surprise you that you’re like, I didn’t know that would come out of nowhere and you’re still going to land on your destiny.
32:11: Yeah.
32:12: And you can’t control how you get there as long as you’re willing to step into that.
32:16: Absolutely.
32:17: I feel that’s why I was drawn to astrology so much because it is, it speaks directly to that is that you have this chart, everyone’s is unique.
32:25: You can express it a million different ways.
32:26: But you came here for a purpose and you came here with a destiny in mind and you can live that destiny fully or you can make choices that pull you off the path and are making it difficult for you.
32:37: But that end destination is there there.
32:40: Yeah.
32:41: Yep.
32:42: And I love that.
32:42: It’s so true.
32:43: That show sounds awesome.
32:44: I mean, it’s a good one.
32:45: I really like it.
32:46: Like, it’s a little long, but the underlying storyline is really good and it’s kind of confusing throughout their like, wait, which character is what?
32:54: Because eventually the old character come back into the future, even think about that part, 33 years back and forth when they go back, they become their younger self.
33:02: No, they stay as their older self.
33:04: So then they start to play in password.
33:06: It’s a cool thing.
33:07: I mean, we could type into that but someone on tiktok was like, this is the best show on Netflix and I could see why because it’s, it’s kind of a mind fuck.
33:16: But it’s really good.
33:16: Wow, that sounds OK.
33:18: But keeping it on this track.
33:19: So yeah, does anything else come to mind as something that you’ve faced as you’ve been really stepping into your fullest express self, I think recently.
33:31: And we talked about this, I believe on our last episode we did together on your last season.
33:35: But accepting that I am a multifaceted person, I think because society in the business world is like, find a niche and be really good at that.
33:47: Well, there’s two fold here.
33:48: One is, I am good at a lot of things and I’m interested in a lot of things and I mean, I’d be an expert at all of them, but I enjoy learning and growing and experiencing and I am creative.
34:00: So I definitely am drawn to like all aspects of creativity.
34:02: I’ve painted, I’ve, you know, made joy.
34:04: I’ve done a lot of different things, cooking.
34:07: And I think in that same breath, realizing you also don’t have to make money at all.
34:11: The things that you’re good at, you can just enjoy them.
34:13: And that was a big thing because I kept feeling like I have to choose, I have to choose, I have to choose.
34:17: And now I’m really realizing that a path has opened to like this is an example of a creative expression, like a couple of paths have opened that, that have allowed me to make money.
34:31: And at the same time, like, really learning to be even astrology.
34:35: I love astrology.
34:36: I could talk about it all the time.
34:37: Obviously, I do, but I don’t want that to be my career.
34:40: I just love sharing it.
34:41: It’s, I feel like it’s maybe even my spiritual gift and I, and I, it lights me up to talk about it, but I don’t need to be paid for it.
34:48: And I feel that way about cooking like I love, you know, I love to make cakes.
34:51: Girl, if you are listening, make sure that you buy, you buy, sell these cakes, but they’re so good.
34:58: They’re the best gluten free clean pastries you’ll ever have in your life.
35:02: But I don’t know if I would love it as much if I tried to sell them and which is like cooking for people.
35:08: I love to, I love to bake and cook things for people.
35:10: So I think that was a huge come through to just understand that one.
35:15: You can make money creatively and you can choose something, but also you can explore all parts of yourself and it doesn’t all have to lead back to success or financial, you know, reward or I think the more that I’ve let go of that and also accepting all of that, like I can one, you know, there was a few years where I just loved painting.
35:33: I didn’t do anything with it.
35:34: I just loved it.
35:35: I’ve stepped away from that because I know I’m making jewelry.
35:38: But I think it’s so important to explore all the facets of yourself and even if it’s not creativity and anything and you’ve said this before, but like, you don’t know till you try and sometimes you’re, you surprise yourself with what you enjoy and what you’re good at.
35:53: And so I think that that’s another big, I think in doing that, I feel I am finally like I’m the happiest I’ve ever been and like the most expressed fully so good.
36:04: What I was going to say something to add on to that for me personally, I was gonna ask, what about you?
36:10: Well, just to keep it on the same tangent, like, on the idea of like, I don’t have to make money from this, like, something that I’ve been so deeply wanting to do, like my entire life is sing.
36:19: And I also don’t think I’m a good singer, like not saying, like, I don’t, I don’t know, there’s a lot of people who believe everyone can sing.
36:25: You just have to find your, my range and that’s it.
36:28: And that’s something that I really want to explore for myself.
36:30: Do I actually want to make money off of it?
36:32: No, I really want to take singing lessons and I tell Nick this all the time and now I just practice finding different songs and find my voice again.
36:40: But like that is something that I’m not looking at as necessarily a career making money type of thing.
36:46: Maybe it will turn into that.
36:47: But it’s more of like, oh, I feel called to express myself in this way.
36:52: And instead of like, I don’t, you know, there some people that literally right off the bat, you hear them sing once and you’re like, wow, you are the most beautiful boys.
37:02: I don’t have that.
37:03: And I’m not like, dissing myself, I’m like being fully honest and knowing that I’m not necessarily saying no to a singing lesson.
37:10: I’m like, I still want to express myself in that way.
37:13: And so what we’re talking to is also giving yourself permission to play in the different versions of you that are asking you to express yourself in these different ways without having it to become a big thing.
37:25: You don’t have to like, I a 100% encourage that because when I lived in L A, I did voiceovers for a while and I took singing lessons and I don’t think I’m the best singer, but I love them because I was just, you push yourself out of your comfort zone.
37:38: It’s fun.
37:38: It’s like dancing.
37:40: I can’t even Twerk or do any of that stuff.
37:42: But I still love to dance and I love to say, I think it’s singing and dancing, I think because you’re using your voice and your body of course you want to try it.
37:50: You’re a somatic worker, like, hello?
37:52: Yeah.
37:52: And you should.
37:53: Absolutely.
37:53: I 100% encourage that and it feels really good on my throat.
37:58: Chakra.
37:59: It’s so wild.
38:00: Like I can hear it now and just like the, the speaking, like it just feels really good and I know it’s also really good for your parasympathetic and your nervous system and your Vegas nerves.
38:10: So, yeah, all that.
38:11: Thank God Austin puts up with me because I sing all the time in the car.
38:14: Oh, Nick does too.
38:15: There was one day the other day where he was like, babe, I think that’s your tone.
38:19: I was like, you’ve never said that the best ever.
38:24: He’s like, you’re not that great, but he said he’s like, I really think that’s your toe.
38:30: I was like, you have to show me I’m a little stuffy right now.
38:33: Not right now.
38:34: No, no.
38:34: And I didn’t mean it like after the talk.
38:40: Anyways, I love that.
38:42: That’s cool.
38:42: I just learned something new about you.
38:45: I haven’t, I don’t tell people that a lot.
38:47: That’s another thing though.
38:48: Like owning that and just sitting in that is so powerful, I think.
38:52: And also being ok with like not being the best at something because I felt that way about singing for a long time or even art.
38:58: I mean, there’s so many talented artists, but I think it’s just like this is your expression and your voice or your gifts and who’s to say it’s the best or not the best?
39:09: Like, why do we not?
39:10: We don’t need to compare.
39:12: It’s your unique expression.
39:13: And that’s where I think the world has kind of fucked us.
39:16: I mean to be frank, you know, I think we put people on pedal souls, we want people to be perfect at something before they execute.
39:22: And I think a lot of the journey from being suppressive expressed is being messy.
39:27: It’s being in the messy middle.
39:29: I think that is something that I’ve learned is like, well, how could I still be messy?
39:33: And like the messy imperfect is perfect in my opinion, right?
39:36: Like I think really, really coming to this place of like imperfection, the way that I think imperfect is perfect.
39:45: Like I actually, now that I’ve created and cultivated this beautiful relationship with not being perfect and just showing up with the messiness, I appreciate people that are messy.
39:54: You know what I mean?
39:55: Like, there are some people out there that are all over the place and there’s sell themselves, but they still execute really well at their gift.
40:02: And I’m like, I love you, you know, like that’s a lot of like actors and I feel like they’re so good at their job.
40:10: Exactly.
40:11: And like we, we as a society have created this way of like, well, this is the perfect way to show up for business.
40:19: This is what it looks like.
40:20: Like a professional email is how you could say that.
40:23: Like, oh, let’s talk about that for a second.
40:24: I part of my journey when I started my corporate job, for example, I felt like every email had to be structured in a certain way.
40:29: Now I’m saying like, hey, it’s Smiley’s and like, talking to, you know, whether it’s here in my corporate job or here, like, I’m talking to like people within the government and I’m selling them Smiley and I’m just like connecting and I’m like, that is way more authentic than a cold, like a cold gray email.
40:47: But that’s the kind of pressure that we put on ourselves with our expression.
40:52: We’re saying, oh, I need to put it up in this sweet little box.
40:57: I want to make sure there’s a bow on it.
40:58: I made it so perfect before I deliver it to you.
41:01: And really the journey.
41:03: And I think even really what it means to be fully expressed is expressing yourself in the messiness because that is where the juice is.
41:11: Totally, I have found so much more depth and so much more soul and so much more insight into myself when I allow myself to play in that versus getting in my head about something and not bringing it forward.
41:24: Yeah, it’s so true.
41:25: I was going to say the government needs a little reviving.
41:27: Like, it’s kind of funny because if you think about it a lot of people in the Senate and the House are very old.
41:34: The websites are so archaic.
41:36: Like, you’d think they’d update this stuff.
41:38: But anyways, that’s a whole other tangent.
41:40: But I just think that’s South America.
41:41: It is.
41:42: It’s so funny.
41:42: Like, we’re so behind, like, these websites that, or even the tax system, like, how you have to, you have to tell them how much you owe them instead of, they’re just knowing and telling you.
41:53: It’s just kind of interesting.
41:55: But yeah, there’s a lot of they need to fully express themselves, they’re not fully expressed.
42:01: I think the other thing that’s coming up as you are talking about, this is like as you step into your fullest express version, like now let’s say you’re really owning your expression, you’re gonna relate to this.
42:10: You’re going to be a lot more triggering to the people and we went on a walk and talked about that before.
42:16: Yeah, I think as I’ve stepped into personally, my power and this is not coming in from a place of like I’m better than other people or not, like I’m really showing up in my mouth.
42:28: So, yeah, I’m just embodied in my self, a self.
42:30: There’s no judgment towards them, but I do feel them pull away from me.
42:36: Close off.
42:37: I don’t know, just get triggered by me, not agree with me, not want to be my friend, not want to be associated with me and it’s so interesting that it’s like, and I have to, I had to learn how to be OK with that.
42:49: Yeah, same.
42:51: I think too that it’s also recognizing that when you’re embodied in who you are, when you’re confident in who you are, that is very triggering for anybody that’s not confident in themselves.
43:04: And so I think for me, when those situations would arise, I just remind myself that it’s not a me problem, It’s a them problem.
43:11: And if you’re not triggering people, then you’re probably not fully embodied.
43:15: You’re probably not that like that is a sign that you’re doing just perfectly.
43:22: Yeah.
43:23: That is a sign that you’re on the right path you’re on.
43:25: Yeah, exactly.
43:26: You’re in your truth, you’re on your path.
43:28: Yeah, because I think again, like in earlier moments of that happening, it would pull, I don’t know if this is true for you.
43:34: It like pull me back into myself and make me think, oh, I shouldn’t have said that or I did something wrong or you know, or why doesn’t she like me or just all these things?
43:44: And now I realize like, oh triggered people, trigger people.
43:47: So we’re triggering someone and they get triggered and then they want to trigger you back or they want to like pull away from you because makes them uncomfortable.
43:54: And I feel like, I mean, I think I said this to you on our walk and we were talking about this subject is like you’re just a light like you, when you’re fully embodied in yourself, you are a light to the world and light either draws the moths to a flame or it repels them.
44:07: You know.
44:08: So I feel like it’s going to be one or the other and that’s how you also find your tribe, your people.
44:14: Totally.
44:15: No, 100%.
44:17: It’s ok.
44:18: Yeah.
44:18: But I do think, yeah, I think definitely it can be hard to know that you’re not going to be received by everybody.
44:26: And I think, you know, a part of that we’re talking to that kind of, this is where my brain was going earlier.
44:31: It was like, you know, as someone that is suppressed and is constantly living your life by everyone else.
44:36: And if you are in that people pleasing tendencies, you probably feel comfortable being a chameleon, being adaptable, being easy to be like a shapeshifter, be like, oh, I can make, you could also be in this part like I could make myself be liked by everyone.
44:49: I can, I can connect with them.
44:51: I’m a chameleon.
44:51: Da da, da, da, da, da got called a chameleon before, like really by a friend that’s not a friend anymore.
44:57: Yeah, that she was like, you’re just a chameleon and I’m like, why is that so bad?
45:03: This is what I was like, I don’t know, 22 or something to be frank.
45:07: It’s also a really good skill and to be able to, you know, a part of sales or just like relationship connection, you know, it is about building rapport, right?
45:16: But very strong network by chameleon.
45:20: Yeah.
45:20: And, but yeah, it’s also is like, not maybe standing fully in your value.
45:24: Yeah, exactly.
45:25: Because it’s like more quality or more quantity over quality type relationships.
45:29: And what we’re talking about here is when you do kind of not shape shift and you just find who you are and you know, you might shape shift in your energies.
45:38: Like you were talking today, like you could wear 10 different wardrobes and still be Samantha because they all embrace you that is so different than like you becoming 10 different wardrobes.
45:46: So you can be some like all these people, all we’re talking about here is like you really got to find your anger as to who you are and in doing so not everyone’s going to be met by you and you’re not going to be met by other people and not everyone’s going to be like, oh I feel attracted to that person, but on the flip side, you also become way more fucking magnetic.
46:10: Totally.
46:11: Like my life is so magnetic.
46:14: The opportunities and people that I’ve attracted and met by being in my authentic, fully expressed self is just, I mean, it’s just like, hello, keep going.
46:22: It’s amazing.
46:22: I’m like, give me more.
46:24: Where’s this caliber of people so seen and connected and opportunities are also just coming out of nowhere.
46:30: It’s like once you find your authenticity, which is what I think this is underlining that we are talking about authenticity and finding your authentic voice.
46:37: And we just kind of broke down what that actually means.
46:40: But in your authenticity and your authentic being, you really become magnetic, you become like the shining star that people finally see.
46:49: Yeah, but you got to be able to express yourself.
46:52: Yeah, so that they can see it.
46:54: You have to be vulnerable enough to be seen.
46:56: I kind of think too just going back to like we mentioned actors, but I was thinking some of the darker roles that actors have played like the guy that played the joker that, you know.
47:07: Yeah, Heath Ledger.
47:08: It’s a perfect example of how powerful your choice and mindset is like he put himself so deep into that character.
47:16: He never really got out of it.
47:17: And that’s what I think we’re doing.
47:19: Many of us on a daily basis, like putting on this character or like showing up how we think we’re supposed to show up or how we like think, you know, what will be acceptable and in doing so we’re reprogramming ourselves to just be a fraction of who we’re meant to be or just be like half of what we could potentially be by trying to make everyone else like be digestible or be acceptable.
47:42: Totally.
47:43: And I think you just, yeah, you’re doing yourself a disservice?
47:46: Really.
47:48: So as we start to like, you know, really wrap up this episode, I’m thinking about like, why would someone want to be fully expressed?
47:56: And I think we’ve kind of hit the nail on the head.
47:57: I just want to summarize that for anyone that’s listening to this.
48:00: It’s like, why am I willing to go through that hard stuff?
48:03: Why am I willing to work through that?
48:05: It’s because in my personal opinion, and I would love to hear yours too.
48:09: Sam is like there is this beautiful, deep connection to yourself that is available to you.
48:16: There is this way of loving yourself in ways that no one else can love you.
48:20: There is this way of seeing who you are and being like I see you, I hold you, I want you.
48:25: And at the same time you find this inner freedom and inner peace while also simultaneously feeling so alive.
48:33: It’s like you could have the peace, the confidence, the grounded and feel so alive and so energized by just who you be.
48:42: That’s in my opinion, how I feel about you.
48:44: Yeah, I agree.
48:45: I think that for so long people used to say, oh, you have to love yourself when you love yourself fully, you know, things will change or this will have, I never knew what that meant.
48:55: What does that mean to love yourself?
48:56: I’m like, I do love myself, you know, but when you show up as all of yourself.
49:01: When you show up as your most vulnerable self and you allow yourself to be seen in the messy, in the good and the bad and the joy and the fun I, that is where I realized that’s loving yourself.
49:12: It’s actually allowing yourself to be seen and witness, seeing yourself in that and then still like accepting yourself in that, you know, and showing up again and showing up again.
49:24: And I think that is actually loving yourself and knowing that you’re going to trip and fall and make mistakes and mess up and you’re going to say the wrong thing sometimes and you’re going to do the wrong thing sometimes.
49:33: And I think that with accountability is loving yourself and fully expressing and being with to say I was wrong or, you know, I’m sorry that I said that or all kind of tying in the things we’ve talked about in this whole episode.
49:46: But I feel like, yeah, to me, it is what you get from fully expressing yourself and being fully embodied in who you are is so far greater than what you’re missing out on.
49:56: If you’re only showing up as a fraction of who you are to cap that what you just said, you know what Sam is talking to is by going through this journey, you will learn how to love yourself.
50:07: And so, you know, you may not know what does it mean to fully love yourself because I used to hit my head on the fucking wall and my mom would be like love who you are.
50:16: What do you talk?
50:18: So this process actually teaches you how to love you.
50:21: This journey really teaches you how to fall in love with yourself, how to give yourself grace, how to hold all the different parts of you without doing that kind of experience.
50:29: I really don’t think you’re going to wake up one morning and feel like you love you.
50:32: It doesn’t work that way.
50:34: I don’t, I don’t unless you do like crazy Ayahuasca for a month.
50:39: But even in those Ayahuasca journeys, you’re learning how to love yourself.
50:43: You’re learning how to be all parts of yourself, right?
50:45: These ceremonies, plant medicine, like you have to go through the experience, you have to be willing to experience the stretchy, the expansion, the hard, the grieving, the different parts of you, all the things that we talked about so that you can learn how to tender and love you.
51:02: Yeah.
51:02: One last thing I want to say to that too is you have to be ok with lost.
51:06: I feel like that’s another, a whole another subject we could talk about.
51:08: But I think that for a long time, I was so afraid to lose people thing situations and I’m sure that relates to childhood and things like that.
51:16: But I think that the more I got comfortable with loss, the more I got comfortable with releasing attachment to outcomes with expectations, the easier it was to be vulnerable to show up to say yes, I’m so with you.
51:31: Well, that was so good.
51:34: I love how Sam and I literally put together like some ideas that we want to talk on and like you can just see that this beautiful synchronicity and back.
51:41: One thing that I want to invite you all if you are listening to the podcast is really give us a review or share this with a friend.
51:47: If it really landed with you, it’s going to help us reach other people that are also on this journey on bringing all of them into this world.
51:54: And we’re so excited for the future episodes that you get to hear and thank you so much for tuning in and we love you.
52:01: Yeah, see you in the next episode.
52:03: Thank you so much for tuning in.
52:05: We really appreciate you being here.
52:07: If you enjoyed this episode, we’d be grateful if you could leave us a review and share it with a friend.
52:12: Also, we would love to hear from you, reach out to us on Instagram and let us know where you feel inspired to express yourself as you embrace this next era.
52:22: We are here to support you and encourage you.
52:24: See you on the next one.