#89: The Evolution of Friendship: Growing, Shifting & Letting Go with Love

0:00: So today we’re going to talk so much about friendship dynamics, breakups, ghosting, transitioning, evolving as a human, and you know, that looks like a lot of letting go of friendships.
0:13: And I think this is such an important topic because Sam and I have both had our own fair share of these experiences, but I think Also, we’re just not talking about it enough.
0:23: I think people, a lot of people are dealing with this in silence and I feel like in some ways we’ve normalized it’s OK to ghost friendships, like especially friendships that the energies there.
0:34: I think there’s different kinds of relationships and I don’t think every single relationship requires, in-depth conversation, but I do think that if we are in friendship like and there’s someone that you’ve been pouring energy into and you feel like there’s a connection there, we can do so much better in friendship.
0:53: Yeah, I think that it is very easy to avoid difficult conversations and Karenna and I have spoken about this in our business partnership episode because we are best friends and business partners and so it felt like a natural path to come to this conversation next because Friendship is so important to us and is the foundation of our business, and I think that both her and I have had many experiences throughout life, as I’m sure all the listeners have as well with dealing with all different kinds of friendship experiences, friendship breakups, and being ghosted and probably ghosting too.
1:38: Yeah, I mean, I feel like we can take responsibility for that as well.
1:42: I’m so curious we can start with like where How have we shown up in friendship that we are probably not the most proud of or where have, what is our relationship to letting go of friendships?
1:56: So if you want to start, or I can start, whatever feels good, but like our relationship to letting go of friendships or navigating a transitional period in friendship.
2:04: Yeah, it’s interesting.
2:06: I love this topic so much because I think a lot of my life experience and lessons have been around friendship and, without going too much into the astrology, like that’s my North notice friendship and so a lot of difficult lessons in my life have revolved around friends and friendships.
2:23: and so I have definitely run the gamut between having hard conversations and also 100% avoiding ghosting, not wanting to face conflict.
2:35: That was, that’s probably been my hardest struggle personally is being OK in conflict with friendship.
2:41: , I definitely, as you and I both are recovering people pleasers, I never liked confrontation.
2:47: I didn’t like it in my family and I definitely didn’t like it in my friendships.
2:50: And so my go to was to avoid or ignore or just let it fade into the distance, but it never really does fully fade into the distance unfortunately.
3:03: So can I ask like why?
3:06: Why, why avoid?
3:09: I think I was afraid of the outcome, maybe afraid of disappointing people or afraid of, I think when I was younger, it was probably a fear of admitting my own faults, wanting to be right.
3:19: I definitely wanted to be right a lot when I was younger, and I think I was afraid of what I was going to receive back or how I was going to be received.
3:28: And so I would have rather just avoided it altogether.
3:31: And I think on a deeper note, like in my family dynamic.
3:35: I thought we dealt with conflict, but I realized now it was more that we apologized and moved on.
3:41: We never actually talked about what the issue at hand was.
3:44: It was just anger or expression of frustration, and then I’m sorry and then moving on, never really discussing what was at the root of the issue.
3:54: And so I think that is how I learned how to, how to be in friendship too was like just to say sorry or I don’t need to have a conversation about this.
4:01: We can just say sorry and move on.
4:04: I love that you always come back to the word of like disappointing someone.
4:08: It’s so interesting because like my experience has never been disappointing someone.
4:11: I just don’t want to hurt anyone.
4:13: Like I’m always thinking about the pain and the other person.
4:16: I’m like, well, if I tell them that I don’t want to be in friendship with them.
4:21: Or if I express to them that this friendship no longer aligns with me, I feel responsible for hurting their feelings.
4:27: And I think why that happens is because as a mirror back to myself is like the invitation for me to see that if someone did that to me, it would hurt my feelings.
4:39: And so I feel like that’s important to call out to because we both have different experiences when it comes to like why we avoid confrontation.
4:46: I can also really resonate with the Am I in the right to say that this friendship is no longer for me?
4:56: And that is something I always go back and forth on like as my feelings valid?
4:59: Like, am I missing something?
5:01: Did I not necessarily like see how this friendship is serving me?
5:04: Am I being too much?
5:05: Am I, am I asking for too much, from this friendship and like I fall back into that, which makes me rather like quote unquote, avoid the harder conversation as to like, this is This is what’s really present.
5:18: This is how I feel.
5:19: This is factual, because those are the things that are coming up for me.
5:22: Yeah, I think for what mirror for me and not wanting to disappoint is not feeling enough, not showing up enough, not being enough, not doing enough, which ironically, I mean, I went over the top with all my friendships in every way like overgave, over, overdid, and We’ve talked about this in other episodes, but definitely had a disconnect of not receiving that back, not not feeling reciprocated and, and also not sharing at a deeper level either because I just felt like I had to hold the energy of all the relationships I was in.
5:53: I had to hold the container.
5:55: but yeah, for me, I think it was a reflection of not feeling worthy or not feeling enough of that type of friendship that I craved.
6:03: Something that makes me think about, I remember being on the phone with a friend, similar to what you were talking about and I was like talking to her about like my my struggles and friendship and how, you know, this friend ever calls me back or like every time I lean in and like her reflection was is like, well, you’re just a really good friend.
6:20: You have a really high standard for friendship and some people are not going to be able to meet you in that.
6:25: When I heard that, I was like, almost like I felt wronged for holding such a high standard in friendship because I gave so much and because I showed up so much and You know, maybe her point was like sharing that like not everyone can meet me in that way, but also like I want to talk to like there’s some people that are just so good in friendship.
6:42: I don’t think there’s anything wrong for being a great friend, and giving a lot because I think sometimes as people pleasers, we can also get the The language of like, well, you’re people pleasing too much or you’re giving too much and giving too much is not as bad.
6:59: It also becomes bad, you know, everything that you learn on the internet, you’re like, eventually it becomes like not the thing that you should be doing, which causes more internal chaos, but I think like to reflect back to you, like you were such a good friend and I feel like you always operated as like a great friend and so, but it’s interesting to also see that some of that intention came from like, I don’t want to feel like I’m disappointing or not worthy of that person’s love.
7:26: Is that fair?
7:27: Totally.
7:27: Yeah.
7:27: Yeah, and I think it relates to like the emotional abandonment I didn’t, you know, I had as a kid and didn’t receive and I mean, yeah, the flip side of it is it does make me understand friendship dynamics so.
7:40: Well, I really do.
7:42: I am almost too hypersensitive sometimes to the needs of others, which is now as an adult, what I’m work like now in my older years like working on is, OK, how can I recognize what people need, but also take care of myself too.
7:54: So that’s kind of where I’m at now, but I do think that It does, it is a gift when you’re, when you have high expectations or you are such a good friend, you know, it is a gift as well because you understand relationship dynamics.
8:06: That’s why we do so well together, you know, but I also, yeah, I think there is a, it’s a delicate balance between choosing yourself and choosing the friendship and recognizing that maybe your friends, maybe you’re friends with someone, but it doesn’t have to be as deep as initially you might crave.
8:24: I don’t know if you’ve experienced that’s a really good topic.
8:26: So I feel like, yeah, as someone who’s deep, I’ve always craved more and I’ve always craved for someone to meet me in that depth.
8:33: And what I’ve realized is like having being able to also hold space for the people that are not at that same level of depth and also being OK with if we don’t get there.
8:43: One thing my dad really helped me with when I was younger and struggling with a lot of friendships because I felt betrayed a lot, or I was betrayed a lot by friends and I, I was not discerning enough of who to trust and who to share things with and not share things with, because I just see the good in everyone and it’s not to say any of these people are bad, it’s just the dynamics weren’t playing out in the way that I desired.
9:04: And my dad explained it as, you know, you have these circles of influence or circles of, of even control to it, it works for so many things, but You have your inner circle and that’s your closest friends, like maybe it’s 2 or 3 people that you can tell anything to, you know they can hold you, they can meet you where you’re at, and then you have the second circle and that’s maybe like the friends you spend a little more time with and you share some things, but you don’t go so deep.
9:25: And then you have the outer circle, which is, you know, the people that you want to spend time around and you go to parties and you see them and you love their energy, but maybe you’re not bringing them into the depths of yourself and maybe they’re not capable of holding you in that.
9:36: And I think the more the older I’ve gotten, the easier it is to discern those things and realize, oh, you don’t need so many people in that inner circle and, and also being OK if oh this friend can’t meet me here, but I love their energy and I want to be around them, so I’m going to accept them at this place instead of punishing them or being upset with them for not being able to meet you.
9:58: So good, and I resonate with that too.
9:59: And that’s a lesson that I’ve had to learn as well.
10:02: The, the struggle that I ended up having was like, OK, in those circles that you have, what if I have no more capacity or room for more people in those circles?
10:12: So what do you do?
10:13: so what do you do?
10:14: Right?
10:14: And I think something that I saw that was so admiring the other day was a friend or someone that I follow on Instagram and her name’s Aiden something something.
10:23: she had talked about a situation where She was nourishing, so putting so much energy into these friendships and she was nourishing those friendships and by nourishing those friendships, it was taking up a lot of her time, right?
10:35: It was like she was going on walks with them, she was going on dates, she was pouring into them, she was getting to know on them deeper.
10:41: There was a friend on this on the outsider circle that wanted to get to that level of depth for her, but that wasn’t in a like that wasn’t the timing for that relationship.
10:49: And something that I admired so much instead of just like ghosting her or hoping the fact that it was just gonna go sit, you know, eventually this person will no longer text me, won’t go fall away because I know there’s so many of us, I mean, me included, where I’m like, how do I avoid this conversation?
11:06: She said, hey, like I don’t, I don’t, right now I’m pouring a lot of my energy into these other relationships.
11:12: I don’t necessarily have the time or the capacity to pour into ours and it seems like our timelines aren’t meeting up like That’s just it.
11:20: That was it.
11:21: Yeah, like she didn’t even say what’s next.
11:23: And then literally, I think they posted like a couple years later because this came up after that.
11:28: And now they’re besties and they’re having the time to pour into each other’s relationship.
11:33: And the other person that was on the other side of that, she said something along the lines of like, at the time, I was so hurt and upset that she didn’t choose me.
11:43: She didn’t decided not to be in a relationship with me.
11:46: But now I completely understand because our timelines have aligned so much better now and we’re actually able to receive each other more now than we were at the time.
11:54: And like nothing would have happened, that wouldn’t have happened if Aiden didn’t like listen to your intuition.
11:59: And then 2 also didn’t communicate that in like a healthy way.
12:02: Yes, the other person on the other side of that got hurt with it in the moment.
12:06: But like later on, like 4 years later, now they’re really good friends and they actually get to pour into each other.
12:12: So how do you have that difficult conversation?
12:14: What’s your strategy?
12:16: Because you’re, you’re good at having, you’re better than me at having, I’m getting better at having challenging conversations, but you’re really good at inviting them in.
12:24: Yeah, I mean, I think saying it in like the most loving way.
12:27: I think what I think what helps me like keep myself accountable is like the more I entertain a relationship and stretch myself, it’s doing a disservice to the relationship.
12:37: So like I would invite anyone that’s listening, like whenever there’s been someone in your life or a friend or someone that is really craving to get to know you better, you can feel that tension.
12:47: You can feel the like, oh, I don’t want to make plans with this person.
12:51: But I feel like I have to.
12:53: And like that energy in itself is going to create muddiness in the relationship.
12:58: So that’s what I hold on to more than anything.
13:00: And so I always try and come from a place of like love and say, hey.
13:05: Like, I’m in a really difficult season right now and I’m really busy.
13:09: I don’t have the time to give to this part, this relationship in the way that I feel like you’re craving.
13:15: I hope you can understand that and just like communicating it versus abandoning the conversation entirely.
13:23: I have like someone in my mind right now that I’m like thinking about that has been really trying to spend time with me and I’m like, I have been traveling a lot.
13:31: It’s like nothing about them.
13:33: I think that’s the hard part is like when you not make it about them, it’s not personal.
13:38: So that’s how I lean into the conversation.
13:39: And then sometimes, you know, they might have questions and they might ask like, well, can you tell me more about that?
13:44: Like, Why do you feel like you don’t have enough time for me?
13:47: Or, you know, I really want more with you and just be like, I hear you and I understand that you want more time with me, but right now I’m just not in a place to give you the kind of nourishment that you need in your relationship that I cannot do.
14:00: And that has always anchored me into things.
14:04: I feel like other ones that are a little bit more touchy are like when friendship is no like there’s gonna ask you no longer.
14:13: That’s like the opposite situation where you’re in a friendship with someone.
14:17: And what about when you’re in a friendship with someone and you realize like this friendship is no longer aligning with the person I want to be or they’re not meeting me where I need to be met or we’ve grown distant and you know, we’re just going in different ways.
14:29: I would say like the first thing is like, are you having conversations about how you guys are not meeting each other?
14:35: Because I think sometimes a lot in relationship or friendship, there’s assumptions that, oh, this person can’t serve me in the way that she wants to be served like wants to serve me or can’t meet me in the way that I want to be met anymore, have conversations around that, or, and then also one thing that I love to know is like, what is your capacity to be in the muddiness with the friendship.
14:54: Like, is it a friendship that you do want to go deeper to figure out how to meet each other.
14:59: Now, let’s say for some reason you don’t meet each other anymore, then it’s OK to get to this loving place and understanding that like, hey, we can no longer give the same way that we used to give.
15:11: And I would love for this just to evolve into a new way.
15:15: So I think the other thing is like when we change value systems and belief systems, we have to realize that we have become two new people.
15:23: And so when you do that, you’re actually giving yourself the opportunity to kind of date again in friendship and get to know each other in a new way, but it can’t happen by holding on to the parts of you guys that you guys were before.
15:37: Does that make sense?
15:37: Yeah.
15:38: Yeah, I also would add like I in my personal experience, when you start to evolve as a person, when you start doing more inner work or your, your desires change or your goals change.
15:49: I used to struggle with letting friendships go.
15:51: Like, I would keep trying to make it work and keep trying to pour into it.
15:55: And I think when you are able to just say, oh, this relationship is no longer serving me where I’m at, but I’m so grateful that I got to experience it and then let it go and move on.
16:06: I’ve been able to attract the type of friendships I’ve always wanted.
16:09: And I think if I tried to hold on to them, and when I did try to hold on to them, I couldn’t bring anything else in.
16:15: I couldn’t welcome anything else in because I was so fixated on fixing this instead of just saying, OK, thank you, and now I’m calling in something that is a vibrational alignment.
16:25: Totally and like being someone that’s on the other side of that where someone has decided.
16:30: To move on from friendship but not communicate to me that they’re moving on from friendship.
16:34: It was probably one of the most like hurtful things I’ve ever experienced.
16:38: And how did you navigate that on the other side?
16:41: Oh my gosh, I asked questions.
16:42: I was like, hey, like I completely understand that you’re growing in this other direction.
16:47: Maybe there’s this like natural separation that we’re no longer aligned, but can you share with me if there’s anything that I haven’t done to meet you in a relationship?
16:56: So I Like from a place of love, I was just curious, like, is there anything that I can do or that I could have done better to serve you, just to make sure there wasn’t anything underneath the rug, because I think sometimes people use like natural separation as a way to avoid not having the hard conversation and they weren’t meeting me in that conversation and honestly they ended up not responding and to my texts and I was like, it was like the most hurtful thing, but what I had to realize was because Not everyone’s going to have the same emotional capacity that I will.
17:31: And like I was OK with that friendship breaking up.
17:33: I just wanted to end it with love, not with ghosting, which leads us back to stop ghosting your friend.
17:40: Yeah, stop ghosting your friends.
17:42: We can do better in friendship and we can have conversations around this.
17:46: And I think there’s different levels of friendship, right?
17:48: Like That one specific friend like that person in my life was someone that I loved so deeply.
17:55: I mean, we were in the muddiness together.
17:57: We were like best friends, and they were planning on ghosting.
18:02: and so that kind of conversation is so different than someone that you met at a networking event.
18:07: You’re not going to be telling the network, the person that you just met a week ago and having this huge ordeal, like that’s not what I’m talking about.
18:14: But I think coming to being on the other side, if you are someone that leads with an emotional An open conversation with love and curiosity and not defensiveness or making it about them.
18:27: And they can’t meet you in that.
18:29: That’s just a sign that they don’t have the capacity to meet you in that and that’s OK.
18:34: Yeah, and I think the more that I step into that fully expressed version of myself, I’m able to hold truth that, OK, that person wasn’t able to meet me in that conversation.
18:45: We could have ended with so much love and You know, put the bow on it and now I had to do a lot of the like collateral damage on my own to get to a place of like, I still love her so much and I realized that this friendship isn’t for me and that’s OK, which is a lot harder to do versus like if we don’t ghost people, we can have those conversations, but it takes a level of emotional maturity to be able to do so.
19:10: Yeah, it’s also hard to not feel rejected or not feel like something’s wrong with you because they don’t want to.
19:18: Face that conversation.
19:21: It’s interesting because I had a similar experience, but mine went the other way.
19:24: A friend of mine after 10 years like said something, got really triggered by me, said something, brought up the past out of nowhere and at first I was just, I mean, not, not to them, but in my own processing, I was like, wait, what?
19:37: Why is this even coming up?
19:38: And have you been holding on to this the whole time and all this stuff, but the old me would have just been like, well, I’m not friends with her anymore, you know, like I’m done.
19:46: And the new me was like, OK, let me explore this further and went to her and we had a conversation and I’m like, why is this coming up?
19:53: And this is how it’s making me feel and how are, you know, I like, tell me how you’re feeling and I mean now we’re great and we processed and like got over another hurdle because I was willing, I mean, I can very much say I would have in the past not even want to face that conversation and felt really hurt and just written them off or or ghosted.
20:11: , and there is such a beauty now our friendships even deeper.
20:15: Now we’re even closer and you know, I think it’s no different than in our like romantic relationships.
20:22: Like we want to go deeper with our partners.
20:24: It should be the same with our friendships.
20:26: And I think those conversations to your point are just an opportunity to dive deeper into connection with friends.
20:32: And to your point, when it’s not right and they’re not willing to meet you in that capacity, also being like it’s not it’s not my problem, it’s not me, I’m not the problem, you know.
20:41: That’s where they’re at.
20:42: Yeah, exactly.
20:43: And I always feel like God will always show you the signs that you need to see.
20:46: Yeah.
20:46: So like if you lean in with love and compassion and curiosity, the person on the other side may not just have the capacity to have that conversation and that’s OK.
20:55: Yeah, that’s their lesson.
20:57: The other thing I was thinking about what you said like leaning into hard conversations.
21:00: Yes, it’s for more connection.
21:02: But it also doesn’t always have to lead to the friendship stay or.
21:07: Yeah, it can lead to closure.
21:10: Yeah, so like it’s either like have the hard conversation for connection to lead to closure or have the hard connection, hard conversation to connection for more and it’s just there’s so much more meat and I don’t know, like so much more, yeah, I guess connections like the only word to say by having those conversations and we can do so much better in friendship.
21:33: I also think like the other part that’s interesting that this that comes up, it’s not always just Let’s say we no longer align, but also with people that are becoming parents, motherhood.
21:46: I think the other place that I’ve struggled with sometimes where this comes up is like a lot of my friends start to step into motherhood and I don’t hear from them as much within the first couple of months and I’m like, well, what did I do wrong?
21:57: And I will open up the conversation and be like, hey, I just want to check in and like, do you feel like I’m supporting you right now?
22:03: Or like, is there anything that’s coming up for you keeping distance because something that I do always I’m like, I make it about myself.
22:09: However, that helps me heal, right?
22:13: So like, someone taught me once this one coach said there’s healing in the moment and there’s healing outside of the moment.
22:19: The healing outside the moment is the healing that you do on your own to like understand like what’s coming up for you, but the healing in the moment is actually having the conversation with the person that you’re thinking about and you need both, because something I’ve always worked on internally myself is like, OK, is this a me thing?
22:34: Like, am I the only person, am I supposed to be the one working on this?
22:37: Like am I supposed to be the one working through my triggers, my wound, like is this a me thing?
22:43: And yes, there’s opportunity for that no matter what the dynamic is, but we also have to heal in the moment and have the conversation.
22:49: That’s why I’m so, and I struggle with this too, but I still have this like mindset of like, OK, how can I still heal in the moment because it isn’t for them, it’s for me.
22:59: Yeah.
23:00: Yeah, I love that.
23:02: No, it’s so true because I think it is easy to project onto others, like project what you think is happening under the surface instead of actually asking and approaching it from a place of how what what could I be doing differently versus, oh, I’m feeling this way, so this must be true, or I see this behavior so it must be this, you know, it goes back to assuming and projecting our own.
23:29: Stuff which is so easy to do in friendships, you know, we, we think, we think we’re reading the situation clearly and sometimes we are and sometimes we aren’t.
23:36: But I think clarifying is so helpful.
23:38: Yeah.
23:39: And I think by going through that process, this brings me back to like, you get to like kind of fall in love with your friendships again.
23:45: especially like if you’re someone that has friendships from college.
23:50: To post college to motherhood, to baby nest, they no longer have any babies at the house, like, you know, all of a sudden growing up, like those are so many different evolutions of yourself and I think these hard conversations allow you to get to know each other as the new version of you.
24:08: Because that’s something that I’ve also struggled with is like constantly thinking about like, oh this person has this relationship with the old version.
24:15: of me and I am so different now.
24:18: Like I have grown so much.
24:20: I’ve evolved so much.
24:21: I can handle conversations that I could not handle in college or high school before.
24:25: And you know, I think we can give each other the opportunity to be met in that by having those kinds of conversations.
24:32: Yeah, I agree.
24:33: I also think it’s important to point out too.
24:35: What I’ve learned through being friends with so many different types of women is also knowing the friendship that you’re in.
24:44: Because, for example, I have a friend I’ve known since I was 13 years old.
24:48: We will be friends for life, like that nothing will ever separate us.
24:51: She is the closest.
24:53: Just she’s like, she was a mom, then she was a friend, then she was just all these different roles in my life and vice versa.
24:59: And we’ve gone time periods of like not speaking for a year.
25:03: And it’s not because anything was going on between us.
25:06: It’s just like life happened and we were doing our thing and she’s more introverted and she pulls away and Because I know that about her, I never take it personally.
25:13: I definitely make more of an effort to reach out because I know she goes through periods of time where she retracts and she’s reached out to me through periods of time.
25:20: And I think when you know that dynamic, like there’s some friends in your life that want to be poured into all the time or need to be poured into and then there’s friends like even from elementary school or high school like maybe or College you talk once every quarter or you know, like my mom still meets some of her college friends.
25:35: They see each other once or twice a year and they have such a great time and it’s so good and they still are knowing each other and pouring into each other, but they’re not talking every day.
25:43: And I think knowing those people is also so helpful to know your friends, you know, like you get to know them.
25:49: How did you find that out about them though?
25:51: I think through observing their behavior, I think through having for some of them in particular like having conversations like I have a friend who I love her so much.
26:01: She’s been my friend since middle school and there’s a different one.
26:05: and we talk like every blue moon.
26:07: We talk on birthdays, we talk, but I know that we could hang out and go for a walk and it’d be like we were right back in high school together, like, but we show up as the new versions of ourselves.
26:16: We’re not holding on to that old version, but I think it’s through.
26:19: Having continual conversations when we meet up and being open to getting to know every iteration of her.
26:26: So like when I see her, I view her as a whole new person.
26:29: I don’t hold on to the person she was when I first met her.
26:33: So I think being open-minded to that.
26:35: And then I also think just observing like you people will show you who they are.
26:39: And I think the more you can listen and See how they show up in friendship first before you look to yourself.
26:47: I think it’s really easy to figure out who those people are when you really pay attention.
26:51: I mean, they tell you.
26:52: Oh yeah, for sure.
26:53: I mean, you can see it in someone’s actions.
26:55: Yeah, but I think something that you’re talking about so beautifully that I think a lot of mature and wise people like old souls get to like I feel like this is like with my mom, you know, it’s just friends all over the world and she won’t talk to them for like 5 or 10 years, but then she picks up the phone and talks to one of them.
27:09: She’s like, oh my God, it’s all good and I love you so much.
27:13: I think that kind of energy is just there’s so much unattachment, understanding, understanding in regards to that.
27:20: I also think that, you know, there’s a difference between like people that live like that versus the people that are in your day to day.
27:27: Yes, 100%.
27:27: It’s a different type of friendship’s a different type of friendship and like understanding what that is because, you know, the day to day friendships you’re like.
27:35: Are you in this?
27:36: Are you not in this?
27:37: Yeah, that’s different versus the friendships that are like, I see like once a year or we’ve moved, you know, the other thing that was like struggles as you get older is like distance.
27:44: Like there’s so many things that changes.
27:47: Like I saw this one real the other day.
27:49: It was like made me want to cry like no one talks about.
27:52: going from like being together like this all the time like you and I are here to like going distance and being on FaceTime.
27:57: It was like a video of them and like they were laughing at the table and like doing all these things together and then it transitioned to like only being able to catch up on FaceTime and show each other each other’s babies that That shift that no one talks about like it’s really hard.
28:13: Did you say TikTok there was a woman who dropped her best friend off at the airport.
28:16: She’s like, I saw my best friend like, you know, once this year for a weekend and how dare she go back to her husband like And her kids, she was like making a a spoof on it, you know, and she was bawling her eyes out and she was like, you can’t leave me, you know, and I think it’s true.
28:32: Yeah, it is really hard to, to go from like being together all the time to then being separated and I think the other thing to think about is, you know, and you spoke a little bit about this earlier, is also like the expectations you hold of people.
28:48: I think the more you can let go and realize like everyone’s living their own life, it’s not personal, it’s not, they’re not ignoring you on purpose or they’re not like, you know, unless there’s obviously an issue underlying, but for the most part, I think people are just doing their life and it’s easy to get wrapped up in themselves or their kids or their families and If you can show up with an open mind and an open heart.
29:08: Yeah, and in that there’s a different energy though.
29:10: Like I feel like for anyone that’s trying to discern, like, is this me just like moving on or is this me just trying to like avoid something that’s the rug.
29:18: Every single person here listening knows if you feel a certain way about someone.
29:22: Yes, like deep down at the end of the day, like, you know, energetically you’re avoiding that person.
29:28: Because you feel like they didn’t show up for you a certain way.
29:31: They said something that they shouldn’t have said.
29:34: They, I don’t know, you feel there’s like an energy there and I think that is different than getting to a place where you’re like, I’m good.
29:43: Everything’s great, and I am living my own life and I love you so much and you’re like a sister to me.
29:47: Like I have specific friends that I don’t get to see all the time.
29:50: I miss them so deeply and they’re even like down a couple of hours, like a couple of minutes down the street from me.
29:57: I’m not thinking about them at night and spiraling and being like this person did this thing for me, like, you know what I mean, we’re talking about two different things.
30:04: That and that corner.
30:06: I’m like, I love you so much.
30:07: You’re like a sister to me and I know you’re good and I know that if you needed me, you would call me and I would do the same thing for you.
30:12: Like there’s not that, but I do think like expectations are really, really big one and when you start to go through trans like life transitions.
30:21: is a whole another thing.
30:23: and I think the expectations have to change and if you’re feeling a certain way, we’re just saying bring it up in conversation.
30:30: Yeah.
30:31: Yeah, bring it up and be OK to hold whatever is given to you or what’s told to you.
30:36: So, the curls, I’m trying to think about what else people have been asking about because this has been coming up a lot.
30:42: So breakups, transitions, letting go of friendships.
30:45: That’s the other thing I want to talk about too is like, I think as we get older, we protect our energy more.
30:51: And I do think that there is this opportunity to kind of like not audit your friends, but kind of check in like which ones are the ones that are serving you, are celebrating you, are pouring into this version of you.
31:04: Like, what does it look like to lean into those friendships more than the ones that don’t have that level of certainty.
31:10: , David Guillaume the other day said he’s like, I saw him on a live.
31:14: He was talking about, you know, the friendships that have certainty in the version of you, those are the ones that you want in your corner.
31:21: And so that’s a whole another topic as to like, are we also getting clear on the front like Letting go of the friendships that are not loving the version of us or are constantly bringing us down or I was just gonna speak to that like negativity or negative friends.
31:37: I mean, I think one of the biggest shifts I made.
31:41: Around 2020 when I kind of shifted my whole friend group was I really started to realize that there were really big goals and aspirations I had, but the people I was surrounding myself with weren’t necessarily reaching for more.
31:53: They weren’t necessarily talking about more.
31:55: And it wasn’t really even just monetarily, it was just in general, like wanting to be a better version of themselves, wanting to evolve, wanting to achieve, you know, a certain level in their business or whatever.
32:07: , and financial goals as well.
32:10: And I think the moment I realized that, the moment I was like, oh, I need to shift who I am spending my time around because I want to surround myself with people who are trying to make this world a better place and trying to be better versions of themselves.
32:21: And I think that’s also a a reflection that’s really helpful if you’re not feeling satisfied in your friendships or if you’re feeling what you’re speaking to that disconnect.
32:31: I think oftentimes as we are evolving into new versions of ourselves, we do feel disconnects when people are And they could be really close friends, but they’re not evolving with us.
32:40: How do you how do you navigate that?
32:42: Like when you have someone who you love and adore and you’re really close with them, but maybe, you know, they’re like we’ve had friends that are going through hard periods for long periods of time.
32:51: What would you say to someone navigating that?
32:53: Yeah, I feel like I’ve created, it depends on the energy behind it.
32:57: You know, I’ve been around people that hurt.
33:00: Gossip a lot and drama a lot and that kind of energy is very taxing on my nervous system and like I’ve honestly gotten to a place where I’m like, I don’t want to surround myself around that because that energy kind of feels like vampire energy.
33:13: It’s like draining energy and I think the more, I mean for me personally, like my energy is the most valuable thing.
33:22: It’s the thing that serves my like my health, my well-being.
33:26: It’s what serves my relationship, my partnership, my future kids, like the home that I create, the business that we create, like I know that that is so, so precious.
33:35: So I’m constantly asking myself like how can I continue to nourish that?
33:40: How can I how can I let go of toxic friendships in some way that either keep us at a distance because I think some people Can be like family and I think I can like tolerate them, but I kind of come back to like, what’s my capacity with that.
33:56: But I will not entertain.
33:57: I’m getting to the place where I’m getting stronger with this.
33:59: Alexis Frank does this really, really well as like getting to a place where it’s like, if you are completely not doing me any kind of service or any giving, like there’s no nourishment in your energy.
34:13: Getting to a place where I can get that out.
34:15: And that’s just facts.
34:17: I also have seen friendships evolved like maybe I’m not the person that they need in that moment, like maybe they do need the venting, maybe they need the, I don’t like word gossiping, but maybe they need the drama to be that person and there’s someone else that has the capacity to hold that and I’m not that person and that’s OK.
34:33: And coming as someone who loves to be there for other people all the time and be that person for long people and the person that became.
34:43: Who my ego was like so attached to like being that person for people that is huge and like getting to know the place like I don’t have that person, that person’s corner.
34:52: And like, also knowing that like me just holding them on is also doing them a disservice and enabling them.
34:58: So and that’s hurting me too.
35:02: Yeah, I agree.
35:03: I feel The more I realized that your words, your thoughts, co-create your reality, the more I’ve, even in my family in my life, like I don’t want to talk about negative things.
35:13: I don’t wanna, I mean, I’m, I, I can always hold capacity when someone’s having a bad day or you know, I’m here for people to a certain extent, but to what you’re saying, I agree.
35:21: I think you realize how much you, your energy can be taken from you and how I really, because I’ve seen in my own family personally, when you stop talking about something that’s generating a lot of negativity or a lot of energy, it literally goes away from your life, even if the person doesn’t go away from your life.
35:40: It’s kind of crazy.
35:41: It’s like when you choose to stop focusing on something or talking about it, it shifts completely, totally.
35:47: And like this goes back to what we said earlier, right?
35:49: Like the point of like, if you do want to have a conversation with this person and say, hey, I can’t show up for you in the capacity that you need.
35:56: Like there’s some people that are just very draining, like there are people that can meet them in that so beautifully, but that doesn’t mean it has to be us.
36:05: And that’s really hard to be.
36:08: But it’s kind of like the concept that I talked to you about the other day.
36:11: It’s like just because you can doesn’t mean you have to.
36:14: And I think the more that we prioritize, like I think for us, like every single woman here deserves to have The energetic connection that their soul desires, right?
36:27: So that means down to like how you show up, the energy that you put out there, how you speak, what you speak about, how you, the things that you want in your life, the things that your soul is taking you to be.
36:37: I promise you that there’s someone there for everyone.
36:40: Like if I think about this with like romantic relationships, you are amazing as you are and you will find someone that loves that version of you all the way.
36:49: Because then on the other flip side, I think about like well what if I’m the drama?
36:53: What if I’m the one that’s venting?
36:55: It’s you and I hope that I attract the people that can hold me that way, yeah, and I have the depth for me that way because I think it also goes both ways like.
37:05: I don’t want someone.
37:07: In my life that doesn’t have the capacity to hold me when I’m going through a hard season and doesn’t have the depths of it.
37:12: I will not lean into you because you’re not holding that space for me and that’s OK because I’m gonna attract someone who can’t, someone who can.
37:20: I think you could speak to it too is like the depth of the friendships that you and I have in our lives right now is so beautiful and so nourishing because we’ve taken the time to discern what we want and we’ve not weeded out, but we’ve just really honed in on who we want in our life and how we want them in it.
37:39: And I think The more I hone in on that, the more that becomes like such a yes.
37:45: You know what I mean?
37:47: And I also just also have gone to this place like there’s no anger towards anyone that’s no longer in my life.
37:52: There’s so much love for all the people that I’m connected with.
37:55: And like, if anything, like if I do see them 10 years down the line, I want to welcome them with open arms.
38:00: I do not want to go to them with resentment.
38:03: If you avoid conversations or if you void your truth and you don’t process this stuff, whether that’s in the relationship or outside the relationship.
38:10: You’re gonna see that person on the corner and you’re gonna try to avoid them.
38:14: Who’s done that?
38:15: Yeah, literally.
38:16: People have done that.
38:16: We’re like, oh, I don’t want to see it.
38:18: I see them at Costco.
38:18: I’m gonna go hide.
38:20: Yeah, why are you doing that?
38:21: It’s also hard too because you want when you’ve, when you’ve It’s like the old me behaved a certain way in a friendship dynamic specifically, and the new me is like, why did I do that?
38:32: Like I wish I had handled it differently because now I don’t even care, and I wish this person the best.
38:36: Like I have no resentment, no ups, but I know, I mean if I saw them now I I could handle like seeing them and be like, I’m really sorry for the way things ended.
38:44: I wish you nothing but the best.
38:45: But to have to know that it ended the way it did, it doesn’t feel good.
38:48: It feels like Oh, that, why did I do that?
38:51: That it could have been handled so differently.
38:52: It could have been, it could have ended amicably.
38:55: It could have just been like, you know what, I, I feel like we’re going different ways and I really wish you the best.
38:59: And instead it ended more intensely and it didn’t have to be that way.
39:03: And I think there’s an invitation to like be more mature in the moment than having to be immature and then reflect back later and realize, oh, I should have probably handled that differently.
39:13: But I think like, like what you and I always talk about is like however we handle things was perfect.
39:17: Yeah, it was meant to be.
39:18: It was meant to be that way.
39:19: Like each of our souls are here to learn this and I think it’s so beautiful that you can have that conversation now and it’s even more courageous for you to be like later on in life and saying like, hey, I wish I could have handled that better.
39:30: Yeah.
39:31: I mean, there’s probably quite a few friendships I wish.
39:33: Yeah, for sure.
39:34: I mean, me too.
39:35: There’s a lot of friendships like I look back and I’m like, I did not tell you how I was feeling and what I will say to you like coming back to like being your most full expressed version of yourself, when you express yourself, people feel you.
39:48: You know, you want to be felt.
39:50: The key is how can you be neutral and your how you express yourself, right?
39:54: So like people really understand you.
39:56: , and I think learning what you said is like you have to share how you’re feeling and it’s not your responsibility, how it’s received.
40:04: It’s only your responsibility to speak how you’re feeling, to express yourself.
40:08: How they receive it isn’t up to you.
40:10: And I think that’s where we struggle, especially as women, is that part of accepting that they may be totally open and surprise you or they may not ever respond to you.
40:21: And you have to just be OK with however it is.
40:24: Like I’ve I’ve been on the other side of no one responding to me.
40:27: Yeah.
40:28: Another thing that I think about in this world today is like we have so many ways of communication.
40:33: Like you and I always talk about just like how you communicate things.
40:36: Like I really do think like phone calls, in-person conversations and voice notes where someone can actually listen to your voice and hear you and feel you.
40:45: Goes so much further.
40:47: We communicate way too much over email over text.
40:50: I know I’ve learned a lot like through that experience that it is, it’s so misinterpreted.
40:57: It can be very misinterpreted.
40:58: And I also play like devil’s advocate like it’s not our responsibility to control how someone perceives it on the other side.
41:05: So it’s comes back to you.
41:06: So it’s it’s difficult to find your way, but I will say like I don’t know, my go to is like, if there is someone that I have really created a deep relationship with or someone that I’ve spent so much energy with, the last thing I want is just to like all of a sudden ghost them out of nowhere.
41:22: You know, I’m going to have the conversation.
41:24: I’m going to have the conversation where they They can hear my voice, they can feel me.
41:27: It’s in person, it’s over the phone.
41:28: Yeah, I’m not going to just send a quick text or email because that relationship has so much more energy than just a quick text or email.
41:36: Yeah.
41:37: What’s interesting to me too is I think about this in the dating world too because So often people ghost each other and I, I just think, why is it so hard to just say I had such a great time, but this doesn’t feel like an energetic match, but I wish you the best.
41:52: Thank you so much, period.
41:53: End of story.
41:55: That’s all it takes.
41:56: You don’t need to write some huge long essay or again, I feel like we do it to a Avoid the confrontation or the guilt or the fear or whatever the, the response we think we’re going to get.
42:06: But then we create that anyways by ghosting because it creates stories in our heads and then we’re telling ourselves, you know, for that other person and you know, you’re causing more harm by not just saying, thank you so much, like you’re an amazing person, you’re just not my person.
42:21: The most loving thing that you can do is be honest for someone.
42:25: Yeah.
42:25: It is the most loving thing.
42:27: I think honesty is the most authentic expression.
42:30: I know this, I mean, I almost think authenticity is higher than love in a sense because you can love someone but you can also do terrible things to people you love.
42:37: But if you’re in your value system, if you’re authentic and you’re speaking your truth, like I think that’s the highest expression.
42:44: Oh, for sure.
42:45: I mean, you’re not only like You’re just living from this like anchored truth and I think that’s what we’re all coming back down to is like honor your truth, express your truth, speak your truth, have the conversations around your truth, hold also the other person’s truth if they end up meeting you in that conversation.
43:02: It is OK you don’t have the same truth either.
43:05: No, you don’t have the same either.
43:07: And that’s the other thing is like sometimes we think that when we’re our own truth, it’s like my own my truth is the only thing that matters or like it’s the only truth.
43:14: Yeah, there’s more than one truth, especially in relationship, especially when you’re like relating to a friend, a partner or anything like that because you’re two different people with completely different experiences and we’re raised and born in different ways.
43:31: Yeah, and I often think female friendships ending are oftentimes so much more painful than romantic relationships ending because there’s a depth that we sometimes like meet with someone and then when that goes away, it’s like a loss.
43:44: It feels like a death almost of a part of yourself.
43:47: Yeah.
43:48: Well, I think because like deep down female friendships are the greatest gift.
43:54: You know what I mean?
43:54: Like I think I Yeah, like, what are we, we’re meant to be in community like back in our cultures and everything circle circles together like women had each other’s back.
44:07: There’s nothing like women supporting you, celebrating you.
44:11: Cheering you on, like, yes, of course, I love when my partner is cheering me on.
44:15: But when I have my girls and like the sisters that I have in my life, like I want that and I know the way to getting through that is by leaning into the hard conversations and getting to know each other even more.
44:27: So there’s this sense of like celebrating them because you know what they’ve been through versus celebrating them just because they did something great, you know, like there’s this depth to your celebration of them and your support.
44:38: Yeah, I love that.
44:41: Yeah.
44:42: I guess the key summaries, questions unless there’s anything else that’s coming up for mind like around like transitions, evolving, breakups, not ghosting and your friendships.
44:53: Yeah, I mean, not being afraid to ask deeper questions either, like getting to know some like the dark parts of someone and the good parts.
45:00: I think that’s the other thing is sometimes in friendship, it can be easy to be more on the surface, not for everyone.
45:07: I mean, some of us do crave a lot of depth, but I think, I think we can just like pass sometimes instead of asking the harder questions.
45:13: I almost think about when we go to the grocery store and Our default question to every single stranger is, how are you?
45:18: How’s your day?
45:19: Like, how’s it going?
45:20: But we’re not actually asking because everyone’s like, oh, I’m good, it’s good, great, good.
45:25: OK.
45:26: No one’s like, well, let me tell you about my day.
45:29: And I think that the more we can invite those deeper conversations, the more we can get to know people on a a better level and then Create a comfort that you’re not afraid to have hard conversations.
45:39: You’re not afraid to have deeper, deeper talks and deeper confrontations, healthy confrontations.
45:45: It’s so true.
45:46: I think so many times in friendship, this is an opportunity for everyone to get curious about yourself, like when you are really asking someone how are they, are you ready to hold what they say?
45:56: Are you ready to listen to what they say?
45:58: For some people, it’s just like, no, I should have never even asked the question because I don’t wanna, I don’t want to know.
46:03: Yeah.
46:04: And I think that some most of the times is probably more honorable than just asking the question because you feel like you have to.
46:13: And it’s going to hurt to some people, but I think the people that have the capacity to actually receive how you’re really doing and not make it about themselves.
46:24: Those are the people you want in your life, you know, at least personally, you know, and also the people that can’t hold that for you, maybe they’re in the outer circle and you love their energy, but they’ll never go there with you.
46:33: You get to decide how you want, what kind of friendship you want in your life.
46:36: Yeah.
46:37: Oh, the other thing I’d actually speak to a little bit too is what it, what it happens when maybe someone’s in your inner circle and they move to the, the outer rings like you don’t want to cut them out of your life completely, but they’re not meeting you in the depths.
46:51: How do you navigate that?
46:52: Don’t ask me that, you take it.
46:54: That one’s tough.
46:55: I mean, I have had it happen, I think.
46:59: Some of them have naturally happened like it the.
47:03: Some of it I think maybe happened when I stopped sharing as much.
47:08: and sometimes I think that happens when people move or when they have babies, and they just kind of pop out a little bit because they’re not able to meet you in the same capacity or at the same amount of time.
47:19: but I’ve also dealt with, I mean, that it is hard.
47:22: I have also had situations where they want to be in the inner circle, but they’re not meeting you there or they’re trying to, but you don’t want them there.
47:34: I’d say it happens sometimes more like family ties or people that you can’t necessarily like or maybe don’t want to fully cut them out.
47:41: You’re just like, this person’s too much for the inner world.
47:45: The first thing that comes to mind a little bit is like Being OK with hearing that.
47:52: So one thing that I’ve had to deal with as a person that always loved being in someone’s corner was also being OK with if I’m not the person that they feel is safe with with to talk about this with me.
48:02: And so I think now that I’ve gotten to this level of emotional maturity and awareness of like, I’m totally OK if I’m not that person for that person.
48:09: If someone was to communicate that to me and just be like, hey, I feel I don’t feel like Safe or I don’t feel really supported or like you can relate to me in this conversation as much as you used to, like, I, you know, just understand that like it’s not about you.
48:23: I just, I feel safer in this conversation over here to support that or like I can find this and that.
48:30: I think I would be able to receive that now and just be like, OK, cool.
48:34: I’m not your person.
48:35: I love you.
48:35: There’s no bad guilt.
48:36: I’m not the person that you have to lean on.
48:39: If there is something that I can do, I hope that you tell me.
48:42: Or show me or tell me how I can be that for you because I want to be that good friend to you, if the relationship still makes sense.
48:48: Yeah.
48:49: But yeah, it’s hard.
48:51: That’s a hard jump.
48:52: That’s a hard jump, and I think.
48:54: I think sometimes, yeah, I think evolution happens to it.
48:57: But again, I think like my internal compass when it comes to all of this is if there is any kind of negative resentment or energy that you’re holding on to, right?
49:10: Like if you’re feeling bad about putting this person in the outer circle, that’s no longer in the inner circle, ask yourself the conversation.
49:17: Is this something that I get to reflect on, or is this something that I want to bring them into?
49:22: That’s what I would do.
49:23: Yeah, sometimes it’s just a natural evolution and sometimes it’s chosen.
49:29: Exactly, cause they also may be pulling away and like that’s OK.
49:32: Yeah, you know, I do.
49:35: Like in my level, at least in my romantic relationship or anyone that’s like in my inner circle, I want to be able to have those conversations where I’m like, OK, I am choosing to go in a different direction.
49:45: That’s OK.
49:45: I love you.
49:46: You know, what does it evolved to come back?
49:48: You know, I’ve been leaning into this new subject that, you know, we have people in our lives that are learning different things in different ways.
49:55: The question is, how do I continue to support those people and those different things and that’s what they’re learning.
50:00: If I want to, but if I’m no longer that person, that’s OK too.
50:03: Yeah.
50:04: I think it’s interesting as I decided to go deeper with people or drawing other types of women, other types of friendships.
50:11: It’s it’s actually mirror to me.
50:14: communication in a different way because I have some friends that are so, we’re on the same page communicatively like we get each other, we can have a difficult conversation.
50:24: It’s really easy.
50:25: There’s not maybe as many emotions evolved or like it’s more mature and then there’s other friends I’ve had where they, they’re more emotionally driven or they’re communicating in a way that I wasn’t used to.
50:36: To and that really also helped me evolve as a friend and as a person because I was able to sit back and observe and say, OK, this isn’t about me.
50:46: This is that how they communicate, and it made me a better communicator because I’m learning to engage with a different type of communication, a different type of friend that I never exposed myself to before.
50:57: So I think when, when I was younger and I can’t speak for anyone else, but when you’re someone who holds a container a lot, it’s really easy to attract kind of more superficial dynamics because you’re just there like almost as a therapist hearing the problems and holding the space.
51:11: And I think that You don’t always end up in the deeper, like more challenging conflict conversations because you’re the one they go to for support.
51:19: But when you start opening yourself and you start attracting people to meet you in that, that’s when you start attracting people that communicate differently or you’re showing up differently or they’re telling you, hey, I didn’t like when you said this or you did this, and I’m grateful for those people because they’ve helped me be a better friend and a better communicator and not take things personally.
51:38: So good.
51:39: Yeah.
51:39: Now you’re talking about the other side, which I love, you know, someone leaning into the hard conversation with you and you learning how to.
51:47: Respond to that, you know, no matter if it’s like emotionally driven or direct or not direct or like they can just be honest and be like this is how I felt about you.
51:54: Yeah, and you’re just like.
51:56: It kind of you’re like, oh shit, I do.
51:59: And that was also a beautiful invitation for you.
52:01: So now you’re talking about the reverse role like whatever is good, I love this line.
52:05: Whatever is good for you is also good for them, you know, again, it’s the invitation for them to bring up with whatever is coming up for them.
52:12: It’s not necessarily you are responsible for what comes up for them and that’s what you did so beautifully.
52:16: You’re like, OK.
52:18: Here’s my I was like, OK, wasn’t expecting that, but you’re like, OK, I can build capacity for this.
52:25: I can lean in, I can understand or ask clarifying questions, you know, whatever that looks like, that’s like another opportunity for you to talk to.
52:31: Yeah.
52:32: And I think that it helped me reach the next level of not taking things personally and that’s I think when you can, it’s hard cause you spoke to this a little bit earlier like there’s a line of, yes, you want, you wanna have a little bit of expectation cause like obviously you want a friendship that’s gonna meet you where you want to be met.
52:48: But I would also say The more that I’ve let go of expectations and the more I’ve let go of, of how I feel it should be, the you, you brace yourself for less disappointment.
53:00: And I think then you can show up as all of yourself and they can show up as all of themselves, and it’s OK.
53:05: It could be, it has room to be messy.
53:07: So I think sometimes when we hold people to such high standards.
53:10: It’s so easy to be constantly disappointed with how they’re showing up, especially in the periods of time where they’re going through a hard time.
53:17: And that’s an invitation I think for anyone to open to a deeper capacity of holding people and discomfort and recognizing that like they just like we talk about in relationships like friendships go through seasons too.
53:29: And I think I don’t get disappointed by friends very much anymore because I show up from a place that I feel enough to show up as like regardless like without expectation and then It just ends up being reciprocated because of that.
53:44: But I don’t have expectations.
53:45: So if it doesn’t happen, I’m just like, OK, they’re not at that place to give that to me and that’s OK.
53:50: And then I can adjust and I can show up differently if that person’s being, you know, meeting me in a different place, but I think we hold so many expectations sometimes on people and then we get really disappointed when they can’t meet us there, show up and I agree.
54:05: I mean 100% I mean it’s a balance between like.
54:09: You know, holding a level of standard of like kind of standards versus expectations.
54:13: That’s so different.
54:14: Like a standard in a friendship is like, you know, I have a type of friendship that I want to call into my life and I desire that and that it’s a standard, but I’m also not expecting them to do things where I’m constantly being left disappointed.
54:29: So those are two different things and I love that you brought that up because expectations just lead to disappointment.
54:34: In all of life, I mean, it’s so every area.
54:37: The less I started expecting things and I just let go and flowed like the better life got because I used to be constantly disappointed.
54:45: In every way, in so many ways because I had an idea of how I thought it should be and expectations are sneaky, you know, like you’re like, you don’t even realize you’re getting upset about it.
54:53: I’m like, oh shit, I just put on this expectation that they were supposed to be inviting me to this thing that they didn’t invite me to and they really don’t have to be inviting me to this thing, you know what I mean?
55:01: Whatever the expectation is, is like I didn’t realize I was getting, I was putting on these expectations on those people.
55:07: So I think that’s also an invitation like if you find yourself In some kind of inner chaos, was this expectation put on to someone else.
55:16: Those are sneaky.
55:16: I also run into like very sneaky expectations.
55:19: I’m like shit.
55:20: I expected them to operate a certain way.
55:22: She expected me to be on time and I was 3 hours late.
55:26: Oh yeah, that 10 my gosh, that was a very, I was so upset with Samantha.
55:31: We had a miscommunication, but that’s the irony is we had like a big miscommunication on it was huge, yeah.
55:38: It was funny.
55:39: It’s a great story actually.
55:41: It’s funny because Sam was coming to see me and she told me that she had a facial, but she didn’t tell me she was getting a facial and a massage, and she was like, and I thought I did because I was talking to like 3 people about plans and so I didn’t realize I didn’t tell you.
55:55: But yes, so long story short, I was expecting her to be at my house like 3 hours early, but she was actually 3 hours late.
56:02: Yeah and we can laugh about it now, but I was fuming because I was like a very passive aggressive, and I mean we talked about it later.
56:13: I voice noted her afterwards.
56:16: actually the next day I was like, I just woke up realizing that you thought I was 3 hours late, but I actually was at a massage too, and you’re like, oh, that makes sense.
56:25: And also I’m sorry I miscommunicated.
56:28: I was sorry I miss, yeah, and then the invitation for me and that was literally just being able to communicate with you in the moment, which I did say, yeah, and you tell me I was like, well, I could tell, but also that was also an opportunity where I could have asked you to.
56:41: But then I’m afraid of you.
56:43: In that moment, in general.
56:45: In that moment I was like, oh she’s really mad.
56:46: I’m not gonna bring it up.
56:47: She can bring it up if she wants to bring it up.
56:49: So I brought up the next morning.
56:52: but that was like a perfect example of miscommunication and expectations and an opportunity where we both could have dealt with it in the moment, but we dealt with it.
57:00: Pretty quickly, so it’s OK.
57:02: But yeah, that was great.
57:03: That was so fun.
57:06: Yeah, it led us to a deeper level of friendship though.
57:08: That’s the thing is like, it got us to a place of communicating even better.
57:11: Yeah, I mean, since then we’ve had other hard conversations and they’ve just gone so much better because we’re not afraid of the outcome.
57:18: , it happens in every situation.
57:23: I think it’s like a constant, even with like Nick sometimes.
57:25: I have the best relationship with them ever and then sometimes I’m like, is now a good time for me to bring this up?
57:31: Should I not bring this up?
57:32: Should I because I also got to do the other side with Nick, for example, I tell him everything.
57:37: So like no matter, oh my God, Laurie Harder did this, this is gonna be a great example you guys before we start riffing off and rambling, but Laurie Harder did a video with Chris Harter.
57:46: And he was doing things around the house.
57:48: The first one, he was doing things like changing the car thing, she goes, honey, I’m hungry, and he like pulls out a spatula and like goes to do that.
57:56: And then he’s like on his computer.
57:57: He’s like, honey, I wanna go I wanna go for a dog walk.
58:00: He’s like, alright, done with the meeting.
58:01: He’s like in the middle of like pitching himself.
58:03: And then the other thing is like he’s like working on something else and then Laurie’s like, honey, I need this.
58:08: And I was like, I do that to Nick all the time where I’m like, he’s in the middle of something and I’m like, I want something now so I communicate things because I’m so fully expression in my relationship and now I’ve had to like pull it back and be like.
58:21: Maybe I should wait till he’s done working.
58:24: Instead of just like bringing up this hard conversation when I feel like I want to have this hard conversation, which is another part to all of this is like bringing this all back is making me think is like when you are having hard conversations and friendship.
58:36: Either set the stage for that.
58:38: I think so many people, it’s very, very important that people are in the present moment to have this conversation.
58:45: And sometimes, yeah, are they in a place to receive?
58:47: Are they in a place to receive it?
58:49: And I think so many of us get to this explosive place or this place of like I’ve been holding it in for so long and then we just want to like blurt it out.
58:57: But the best thing that we can do for a hard conversation is setting up the stage like, hey, whenever you have time this is perfect for anyone, marriage, everything.
59:05: Hey, when you have a moment or when when’s a good time to talk to you about something that’s been on my mind.
59:10: And when they’re having that conversation, like they’re not doing anything else, they’re doing that.
59:14: That’s what they decided to do in our business too was save the hard conversations for after after a specific date or a different date because like, you know, especially in today’s day, like I’ll be on the computer and like we’re working or my partner is working on something or is mine something else like Nick.
59:31: struggles to task switch.
59:33: So like if I, he’s doing something and I want to do something really quickly or have a hard conversation, it takes him a moment to get into that.
59:40: So many people get so upset with their partners for not responding well, but I’m like their presence isn’t on you.
59:46: And the same thing for friends, like, you know, we want to get answers right away, but it’s like, well, what if?
59:52: Yeah, I get back to you later.
59:54: Yeah, and like now it’s so easy to send a quick text and to send an email and be like, I need this now, but if someone’s presence is not in that, and it is a conversation that could be more emotionally taxing than others, save it for a moment where they can have the capacity to hold that.
1:00:10: After that ramble, that’s where we landed.
1:00:11: No, I love it.
1:00:12: It’s true.
1:00:13: So yeah, then you can have actual presence in a conversation that probably needs it totally, and I think we need to be present with one another.
1:00:22: Way more, so much more.
1:00:25: all right, so with that being said, to summarize today’s episode, I mean, really the key takeaways that Sam and I want to lean into is that, you know, we get to be better friends and Getting to be better friends is doing things from our loving place, and the most loving thing we can do is communicate and not ghost.
1:00:42: Yeah, and have be OK having hard conversations.
1:00:45: Yeah, and also be OK with your own evolution and giving other people permission to also evolve, you know, like if you’re not, you might be on the receiving end of someone else evolving in a different way.
1:00:56: That’s painful and I understand that it could be hurtful, but how beautiful that that person is finding their most fullest expressed self while you are also on the journey of finding your fullest express self and Honestly, a lot of the times I think about, like, if I let go of this friendship, wow, this person might welcome in another friend into their life that is going to meet them in ways that I could not meet them anymore, and that’s OK.
1:01:19: And you too can also welcome in something that’s better for your energy at the time.
1:01:25: Exactly.
1:01:26: So, anything else?
1:01:28: No?
1:01:29: I think we I feel complete.
1:01:30: You feel, I feel.
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1:01:35: I mean, I feel like this topic is so juicy and we could probably pull the strings on anything else, but would absolutely love feedback.
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