In this episode with Julie Tran, we explore how to transform resentment into what she calls “Gooey Love” in romantic partnerships. Julie vulnerably shares how she transformed her own marriage through deep inner work, and guides us in shifting relationship dynamics from the inside out.
0:02: Welcome to the Fully Expressed podcast.
0:04: We’re your host Karenna and Samantha.
0:06: This show is your permission slip to stop holding back.
0:10: Here we talk about what it really means to live unapologetically you in your relationships, your business, and your everyday life.
0:17: We believe the most magnetic version of you is rooted in self-expression, honesty, vulnerability, and showing up fully as you are.
0:24: When you own that, you naturally attract the people, the opportunities, and the life that is meant for.
0:29: You guys, we have another exciting episode for you today.
0:33: We are talking with a powerhouse of a woman, Julie Tran, who is a marriage coach for coaches, healers, and entrepreneurs.
0:40: When we were sitting down interviewing Julie Tran, literally, I was like, I’ve done a lot of work in my relationship, but as I was hearing her speak and the way that she views the miscommunication, the assumptions, the things that we are all holding over our husbands or men.
0:56: It was just simply so eye-opening and inspiring.
1:00: This episode is perfect for you if you are craving for your husband to lead more in your relationship.
1:07: So maybe you are a high achieving woman or you always feel like you’re the one leading, but what would it look like for you to inspire him to lead?
1:15: Julie helps women transform resentment into what she calls gooey love so that they can serve from deep nourishment without needing their husbands to Do the work.
1:27: Her approach blends feminine energetics with practical, heart centered relationship skills centered on women becoming her and inspiring their husbands to rise instead of forcing them to change.
1:40: She creates a field of mutual nourishment and support at home, because when a woman feels emotionally safe, she multiplies love in the world.
1:49: She’s free to live her purpose, grow her impact and income, and model healthy love for her.
1:56: Children.
1:57: With that being said, enjoy this episode.
2:00: Hi Julie, how are you?
2:02: I’m great.
2:02: How are you?
2:03: Oh my God, I’m so excited to here.
2:05: I feel like we finally got to meet in person for the first time.
2:08: We’ve been talking on Instagram for like almost a year, a year.
2:11: We’ve had phone calls.
2:12: We’ve had Zoom dates, I know, but never actually met in person.
2:16: I know, I know.
2:17: So glad to, so great to finally meet you.
2:20: Yeah, I’m like she’s my people and like it’s time.
2:24: I love that.
2:26: And I wish that we lived closer together because I know you guys have amazing events and I’m like dang, you know, but one day, yeah, make it happen.
2:33: You’re not that far.
2:34: One of my friends just moved to Vegas, so I need to I’m gonna start going to Vegas soon more so literally can just pop right over, yeah, go to the club.
2:46: I know if the club is at 7 p.m., then yes, or if it’s like during the day and I’ll go and have some tea.
2:51: , I just thought we, we should create a real.
2:57: We’re like at the club, but we also have like the incense and I know that’s wrong.
3:03: No, that is literally the type of that’s you’re speaking my language.
3:06: We actually just went to Daybreakers in Los Angeles, which is a sober dance party in the morning on a Sunday morning, and it was so fun like, and I was telling her I wanted to do it for a long time.
3:17: They started in 2018 or 2019, and then obviously during COVID stopped and they brought it back and There’s just such a different energy when you’re not around like a bunch of intoxicated people, and everyone’s just like, I feel like people dance harder like they just go all out.
3:31: They’re in it and it’s like a static dance.
3:33: Yes, well, it’s just like DJ they were just having a good time.
3:37: Yeah, they’re just in it and dancing and it was amazing.
3:39: We need more of that.
3:40: That’s the future of partying, I think so too.
3:42: Yeah, yeah, it’s definitely I don’t know if it’s like this in Vegas, but it’s transitioning in San Diego.
3:46: Like people are now booking out DJ events and clubs are opening up at 1 so you can be out by 4.
3:51: I’m just like, wait, what?
3:53: Like it’s starting to happen where people are trying to do things through the day and not necessarily go into the night because you’re like, I still need to be in bed by 8, we my blue light lockers, put our face tape on, keep my face tape on and go to bed.
4:05: I love it.
4:06: It’s just like the, the, this gives me hope for humanity.
4:10: Yes.
4:11: All right, so in order to get started, we get to talk all about relationships with you, which is your favorite topic of all time, and I think starting with like your own journey within your own relationship, if you’re open to talking about that, which I know you share about it so much online.
4:28: I read your emails, and they’re just so good and so let’s start at the beginning of maybe like I don’t know what you want to say even before you got married or like the early stages of marriage, and how that was for you.
4:43: OK.
4:44: Are you guys open to me being like super raw and authentic?
4:47: Oh yeah, like no sugarcoating.
4:50: There’s no sugarcoating here,.
4:54: I would say that, you know, I’m your typical high, you know, high achiever.
5:01: My dream as a as an immigrant child like growing up with a family of 6 kids on welfare like literally in my entire family we all lived in one bedroom at one point in time with like our aunts and uncles in the rest of the bedrooms but so as a child, my, my dad, I always looked up to he worked in, he like he hustled his ass off he went to school full time and then also and then also like worked full time.
5:30: You know, taking care of a family of 8, but he always instilled in me that you can do anything that you want.
5:36: And so, so I always looked up to him.
5:38: He worked in corporate America and I’m like, I’m gonna be a banker.
5:42: Like I’m gonna be a fucking badass on Wall Street.
5:45: So I did the thing like I climbed the corporate ladder.
5:47: I didn’t do Wall Street, but I worked at, I worked in in investments and finance and I, when I left, I was, I was so I was there for 15 years.
5:53: By the time I left, I was the managing director.
5:56: So I did the thing, all the things on the outside it looked amazing like I checked all the boxes.
6:01: I had the, the title.
6:03: I had the income.
6:05: I had the big fancy house like my husband and I literally, we built our the house in our house in Connecticut in one of the fanciest zip codes like when we were, you know, when we were in our early 30s.
6:15: So all that’s to say like I was a climber, right?
6:17: , so, but everything looked good on the outside, but what people didn’t realize and don’t see on the inside behind the Instagram pictures is my husband and I were constantly bickering.
6:29: We would bicker about, about like shit that doesn’t matter, you know what I mean like did you wipe the counter?
6:35: How come you wipe the counter?
6:37: Why did you leave that out, you know, and like driving, for example, you know, like if somebody wasn’t driving the right way, it just felt like a lot of criticism instead of being on the same team, like a lot of, a lot of nitpicking and a lot of resentment.
6:53: I felt that I felt like he just If I’m being like super authentic here, I because you know, being on the other side of this and try and understanding, you know, where the blowups would come from, it’s because I had this impression of my husband that he was like he was just not man enough, you know, like I would have these beliefs like, you know, like if you were a real man, you would not get angry.
7:25: I’m doing the work to control my emotions.
7:29: I’m doing the work to get out of victim mentality, but you’re not you’re stuck in victim mentality and and this the normal day to day life together just seemed just felt really hard and so.
7:44: I’ll, you know, it got so bad that to the point where, you know, we were having, I remember this distinctly, we were having dinner and at that time my husband and I were foster parents and I don’t know if I ever told you that.
7:56: Yeah, we were anyway that’s a that’s another that’s another podcast episode maybe but but yeah we were foster parents for 2 years and we we had we were parents of two of our foster sons and so the older one I remember, we were having dinner.
8:14: And I was sitting at the dinner table, my husband was sitting on the other side, and I, I feel like maybe we had just gotten fresh off of a fight.
8:22: I’m not sure, but it was always something where it was hard for me to even look at my husband and be in the same room sometimes and my son at the time looked at me, he looked at my husband, he looked back at me and he was like, Mama, you shouldn’t marry him because it felt like we like I didn’t even like him, you know, so.
8:39: Yeah, that’s, that’s where we were and I say this, by the way, not to disparage my husband, because he is like my favorite human in the whole world, but I wanna just give everyone like my psychology at the time.
8:51: I felt like my needs weren’t being met.
8:53: I didn’t feel emotionally safe.
8:55: I felt like, like I was doing everything.
8:58: I had to, I had to take care of, I was the one that was like like the lead when it came to.
9:05: Parenting.
9:06: I’m the one that’s the lead when it comes to, I don’t know, like taking care of the house, finances, like everything.
9:14: , and so there was a lot of resentment and I felt like I didn’t have a partner.
9:20: I had like another child, right?
9:23: And so yeah, they, that just continued to manifest in us like not being on feeling like we’re not on the same team and we just bicker over, over.
9:33: Everything and nothing.
9:34: I think that’s very relatable.
9:36: I think a lot of women experience that and I see it all across social media of, you know, I, they want, they don’t know if divorce is the answer.
9:45: They don’t know what the answer is, but their needs are not being met and they’re wanting their husband to step up and be whatever their definition of a of a husband or a man is, but they don’t necessarily maybe.
9:54: know how to ask for it, but they’re in that same place.
9:57: So I think that’s super relatable.
9:58: Yeah, and, and also we block it too because that’s what I realized like I wanted him to be more of a man, to be more of a leader.
10:05: I’m tired, you know, I’m doing, I’m doing it all.
10:08: I’m tired, but I was actually blocking him from from stepping forward because I was controlling everything.
10:15: You know, I wouldn’t like let him make like a restaurant reservation without me approving it, you know what I mean?
10:22: They’re like take me on the date, but I want to plan everything.
10:25: Yeah and also like tell me how you and also tell me how you feel, but then, but then, oh well, don’t say that, like that’s too much, you know, so I had to do.
10:33: You know, I can go into this a more a little bit more later, but I have to do a lot of inner work and self reflection on what is it that I actually do want in my relationship, how what do I want, what do I want a cocoon to be how do I want him, how do I want to make my husband feel in the relationship and then actually like actually be honest with myself on, you know, where my, what my freaking shadows are that are coming out that’s actually blocking it.
11:00: And that is actually toxic to our relationship.
11:04: This is such a, I’m so excited to dive deeper because I feel like there’s so many women out there, especially the high achievers, the highly ambitious woman, the woman that gets shit done, you know, like I think in a lot of ways they have this like figure it out energy and When they’re in that energy, it, it’s almost like, well, where does, how does he show up?
11:21: What does that look like to him, you know, and then they don’t really find themselves in that point, but I’m so curious for you, what was like the wake up call where you were like, I don’t know what I’m doing.
11:32: I don’t know if I’ll be in this relationship or not.
11:34: Like what did that look like for you and How did you know that like things couldn’t be like this anymore?
11:41: Well, I I know that we were on the verge of divorce like 3 times actually like I almost I I almost broke up our engagement like we had the conversation.
11:52: I was like I can’t do this with me and Chris, like the thing that one of the biggest issues that we had was his, his anger.
11:59: And I feel like that’s not something that we talk about a lot because it’s like it’s tough to talk about as women, you know, but I’m just gonna say it like that’s that’s what we struggled with.
12:09: I I didn’t know how to be with my husband when he gets frustrated and would blow up over stuff.
12:16: I felt really unsafe and I almost broke up off our engagement, but he promised that he would change, right?
12:24: And I feel like this is what a lot of women deal with it’s like you, you know, you hear these promises, but.
12:29: It, it actually doesn’t, and maybe you get changed for like a day or a week, maybe two months, but we, we revert back or your partner reverts back to their old ways and you’re just constantly like in the cycle and And so yeah, 3 times I remember like wanting to call it off, but the very last time, the very last time I distinctly remember that I was, I was on a call with my coach and it my coach wasn’t like a relationship coach she was more of a life coach, and we were working on like self love but things in my relationship kept coming up and I said to her, you know, I, I’m so unhappy.
13:09: But I can’t leave because of the kids.
13:13: But I feel like I’m dying.
13:15: I can’t stay.
13:17: And it’s just like, you know, this just like sucks, this is my life, like this is just what I have to accept.
13:23: And she called me out.
13:25: God bless her.
13:26: She said, she said, Julie, you are acting like you don’t have a choice, but you do have a choice.
13:33: No one is holding a gun to your head.
13:36: You can leave or you can go.
13:38: You just don’t like the consequences of either one.
13:42: But if you wanna be a queen, if you wanna be the woman that, that you, you are calling in, then you have to learn to, to accept the consequences of your choices.
13:55: And so that was like one of those like mic drop moments for me.
13:58: I’m like, oh shit, you’re right, I’m not.
14:02: I’m just sitting here like being victim and blaming my husband, but really I’m, I’m not, I’m not owning the consequences of my choices, either one, right?
14:13: And so that was the moment I was like I’m going to stay.
14:16: I’m going all in my marriage.
14:18: I’m not gonna blame him anymore, and I’m going to do my best to show up as the best version of me possible.
14:26: That was a moment that changed everything.
14:28: Wow, wow, you’re like, OK, so what next?
14:32: Yeah, how did, what did that mean next?
14:34: Like so how did, you know, because I think there’s so many dynamics here that you’re talking about.
14:38: Looks like you took ownership and you started to want to change.
14:42: Sometimes it’s so easy to be like, well, they need to change.
14:45: They’re the people that they should be changing.
14:47: Why are they not showing up more as the leader?
14:49: Why are they not taking more control?
14:50: Why are they not doing things so focusing on you, like what did the shift start to look like within yourself?
14:56: Well, what it, what it looks like to to really choose your relationship is no more like blaming, no more like, like, you know, I no more of the the notion of like I can only do, I can only love him better if he loves me better.
15:13: I can stop blaming him or stop being defensive if he stops being defensive.
15:17: There’s like no more of that.
15:18: It’s actually.
15:20: Taking responsibility and like personal accountability every single time that there’s like a trigger that comes up, you get into one of your spirals and as it’s hard as especially initially at this point it’s like really like it’s second nature to me and it’s happened so fast, but initially it’s like it feels like you’re crawling through glass because you’re just shedding your ego and you’re like what’s going on?
15:43: This is safe, you know, is it fair to say it’s like you’re learning to love without conditions, you’re learning to be like I’m gonna.
15:50: To show up and love this person even if they don’t show up in the capacity I want or need them to.
15:55: I think that’s a part of it yes that’s like that is the the frequency of it everything is held in love but also love also love also means holding them accountable too love also means speaking up authentically for what you want and what you desire Love also means seeing deeper beneath their behaviors so my husband would get angry the version of me before would emasculate him.
16:20: Like I’m the first I’m the person that a lot of, you know, everybody has their own, you know, survival instincts minus the fight, you know, some people would freeze under those situations.
16:28: My, my, my reaction would be to fight back and I would cut him down, right?
16:33: But, that version we couldn’t see the human being underneath the behavior.
16:38: So love also looks like, you know, seeing who he really is as a man, but also not, not co-signing on behavior that’s not healthy.
16:47: And learning and I think this is the most important part this is where we can take where we take radical responsibility for how we show up in our relationship is learning new skills on how to express yourself in a way that inspires your husband to want to hear what you have to say instead of instead of him shutting down or or like you know or attacking you or whatever.
17:11: Right?
17:11: It’s a skill and I feel like, and that’s what I do as a coach.
17:15: I teach women how to how to express their needs and desires and in a way that inspires their their partner to rise because to me that creates emotional safety.
17:27: So like if you have a need and a desire for your partner to speak to you in a calmer voice, you can’t, if you approach it like.
17:35: Like the way I did, which is calm down, right?
17:40: He ain’t gonna listen.
17:41: Yeah, so love is, is doing the work, learning the skills and, and not just like the like what to say, but the the frequency of how you express yourself such that your partners feel seen and such that he feels like a human being, not, not the opposite which is dehumanizing him, right?
18:01: And, and that he wants to give you what you desire.
18:06: And beyond that, like you want to give him what he desires too.
18:10: So, I forgot the original question.
18:13: I don’t know where we’re going.
18:14: We’re already doing it and you answered it.
18:16: I think that’s ultimately what the provider or the man in a relationship wants.
18:20: I think women want to give it to you, but they do want to give to us.
18:23: Oh my God, nothing makes them more happy than to to make their women approve approve of them and be happy with them.
18:31: That’s like.
18:32: One of the, that’s another thing that I think a lot of women don’t understand is that you’re despite, you know, if you’re in a hard season right now and it feels like you’re not on the same team, and you feel like your husband doesn’t care, doesn’t love you because if he did care, if he did love you, then he would do the work like if you’re in that conversation, just know that he really does.
18:51: He loves you, like you’re his goddess, but there There are things that there are ways that you’re showing up that’s blocking him from giving, right?
19:03: Like there are ways that you’re not receiving, that you’re not seeing him, and it doesn’t motivate him to show up fully for you.
19:12: Can you give some examples of like the clients that you’ve worked with where people, the women, they are blocking themselves?
19:20: Yes, so I love this story because it’s, I feel like it’s so relatable.
19:24: So I had a client who, when she first started working with me, she She, I think she had like a, like a 3 month old or so, and she was on the verge of calling it off with her partner.
19:38: They’ve been together for 7 years and she’s tried everything like she’s like a legit like shaman, you know, trained and she’s a healer and everything, and, and she can support other people, but when it came to her own relationship, she was like lost, right?
19:53: And, and it was simple things like, hey, can you get me the diaper?
19:58: It would lead to a fight You know, and I think that if she were to tell the story to, you know, your, your average person, right, they would say like they would say, God, yeah, you know he’s an asshole like what you know why he needs to support you and and there’s something, there’s something wrong with this picture there’s something wrong with him but I hear that and what I hear is that he he isn’t empowered to support what I hear is that.
20:29: That, because you know she well she shared a little bit more about the story and like what you know how what his response is was and it was something along the lines of of you know I never do anything right so why bother?
20:40: You hear that a lot yes yes so it’s not about like him not wanting to support her he actually wants to but what she didn’t realize is how she’s been blocking him from supporting her because she’s been managing him.
20:56: Right, there’s a particular way she wants things done and if it’s outside of that, she’ll let him know.
21:03: So it’s energy like that where, where you’re not letting him lead and you’re controlling, you know, how he does things, that’s one of the most, that’s one of the most common things that I see.
21:17: , we had, we had this topic on marriage and in another conversation and below the post, you know, a lot of men commented on this particular reel we had and that was one of the comments that was like proliferated again and again is like why bother?
21:32: I can’t do anything right anyways.
21:34: Yes, and I think that’s something that I love to teach women in my programs is how to see their husband because in that moment he’s not feeling seen, not even just in that moment, it’s been happening for 7 years, you know.
21:49: So I love teaching women like how to really see their their partner and, and and then once they start doing that it’s like he just shows up as a different person.
22:00: It’s amazing.
22:01: Like my husband, for example, before I felt totally unsupported and whenever he would, whenever he would, you know, help me with the chores or something, there was this, there was this energy of like.
22:14: I don’t know, like blame, I think it’s a or exasperation, that’s what I’m feeling into.
22:20: So I felt like, I just felt like, you know, he wasn’t helping from like a, a like a happy spirit, right?
22:28: , but now he’s a completely human being, like, not, and it’s not even just about him helping me, it’s just like who he is as a human being.
22:37: Like before, he was very like stuck in like victim mindset like I was saying before, but now he’s like creating his own life, he’s like working out.
22:48: What I mean by that is that he actually cares about, about his quality of life.
22:54: And that’s not who he was before.
22:56: He was, you know, working in corporate grinding, constantly on his phone, constantly needing to be there for other people, which is like one of the beautiful qualities about him, but it left him really angry and resentful, and he took it out on the family, right?
23:11: But now, he’s like, you know, he’s taking care of himself, he’s present, he’s, he’s loving and he’s gooey and he’s like he’s the softest, yummiest person that like I know.
23:22: , that wasn’t him before.
23:25: So when you start to do this work, you start to see your partner, he gets to like grow into this human being that you’re like, wait, who is this, you know, yeah.
23:35: And I think that’s like one of the biggest gifts in a relationship because then you, you nourish him, then he starts to nourish you more and you guys have like this infinity loop of like of nourishment and then your marriage garden just like goes wild.
23:48: Oh, I love this so much.
23:49: I mean, I’ve seen this in sparks in our own relationship.
23:51: We can both test that like just so many things when you finally see them and you’re like, wow, yeah, I completely missed that.
23:58: And I see how you were showing up for me.
24:00: , and also I think the other thing that I’ve learned too is like the way that they show up is not always the way I want them to show up, which is kind of going back to what you said, but just like it’s so easy to get in the place of like, well, I show up this way, so I want you to do the same too, you know what I mean?
24:15: and then you don’t see at all how they are have been showing up or the way that they’ve been being there for you.
24:22: Like I know in a lot of our season right now with Nick in general, like we’ve talked about this so many times, but like.
24:28: I’m, he helps me out with the laundry.
24:30: I don’t do the laundry.
24:31: He don’t do the dishes and I just say thank you and I see you.
24:34: It’s so nice and so sweet versus I can get hard on him and say, you’re not helping me in this way.
24:39: And I think there’s always something for women, sometimes, like, even though if you get to that place where like, I see you, you are helping me, but I want more.
24:47: And so what would you say to women that are in that place where like, I know my, my husband helps around the house or he provides me through money, but I want more.
24:56: Yeah.
24:57: What would you say to that?
24:59: Desire everything and be attached to nothing.
25:02: Oh, say it louder.
25:03: What does that mean?
25:05: That means your desires are beautiful, that you want more.
25:08: Like that’s, that’s part of the feminine, you know, that’s what makes the world go round, right?
25:12: Like our desires, like the more we get, the more we want it never ends, right?
25:17: But it’s the attachment to having it and having it in a particular way at the right time is what blocks love.
25:25: Because when you’re in that place, there’s no longer, it’s more about you and your ego, right?
25:31: And I don’t want to say this, it’s not a disparaging way, it’s more just like, like the, the what is because if you really look at it, it’s more from a place of control.
25:40: And it’s not serving love.
25:42: So it’s actually a really beautiful inquiry for every woman in the space and me continually too is asking myself, you know, what is, what would serve love best here?
25:53: What does that mean?
25:55: And if you really investigated this.
25:57: , or I’ll just share like the place that I’ve gone to.
26:01: It is never about the thing.
26:02: It’s never about him growing the way that I want to or be me being served the way that I want to all the time.
26:09: It’s about what is in the best interest of his soul expansion.
26:22: Is a heads up.
26:23: We’re not telling the fly.
26:26: Yeah, I know.
26:32: I, I love that.
26:33: I used to do this thing.
26:37: But yeah, and I just feel like, and it’s not even about being a martyr cause I wanna just, I wanna just like just like delete that way of being cause I think that martyrdom is probably one of the The most toxic frequency in a marriage because it leads to so much resentment so it’s not being a martyr martyr it’s not being like a good person it per se I mean everybody wants to be a good person but you know what I mean it’s like it’s just more about like it’s just more about what works, you know what works because like if you, your husband knows that you got his back.
27:18: But no, no, you don’t got his ego’s back.
27:19: You got his soul’s back, right?
27:22: Like that’s a whole another game that you guys are playing.
27:26: And he’s gonna be looking out for your soul too.
27:29: That’s who you want on your team, right?
27:31: You don’t need somebody on your team that’s like fluffing your ego.
27:34: I mean, that’s, that’s nice sometimes.
27:35: Let’s see, but, but, but like if I know my husband is here to for my like greatest, and he wouldn’t say in these words because he’s not, you know, he’s not a coach and he’s not like in this work in the spiritual work as I am, but I know that he got my soul’s back.
27:51: I know that if, if I’m doing things from my ego that he would, he would feel it and he would call me out on it and when we’re so when we’re both you know calling each other up and and calling each other forward to our highest soul alignment I just feel like you can’t lose.
28:11: So true, you know.
28:13: I love this so much because I think sometimes as women I’ve done this too the reason I can say this is because I’ve been through this myself, but it’s so easy to forget that they’re also having their own soul expansion on this world like they are also here to figure out, figure out what’s best for them in this lifetime and to evolve and to transform or to heal or whatever.
28:35: And it’s like sometimes I think about it in the way of like, well, what, why am I trying to play God by trying to control the way that their soul is transforming and I’m like if I could just easily just be like, look, I will do whatever you need to support your soul and whatever you feel called to, that means I gotta take the hands off the wheel.
28:53: Like I’m not driving.
28:54: I can drive my car, but I’m not driving yours.
28:57: So like what does it look like just to do that and like the energy of that is like the unattachment and like seeing your husband or the person that you’re in relationship with and honestly any human in life knowing that they’re here to live their lifetime.
29:11: In the way that their soul feels called, why am I here to play God and change that for them?
29:15: Yeah, like that reminds me of how I used to, resent my husband so much for not doing the work, right, because he’s, he’s built differently.
29:24: So he used to when I started doing this work and doing healing and inner child work and, you know, taking responsibility for my triggers and my childhood and all of that stuff, I would, I would share this what I’m learning with him.
29:37: And he was like, and he was like, yeah, that’s good for you.
29:41: That’s good for you, you know, like, I, I’m good, like I don’t have any problem.
29:46: Like, but you get angry so much.
29:48: Yeah, you’re like, I know.
29:48: I’m like, OK, OK, yeah, keep going.
30:03: yeah, I can really go down so many women, especially when you start the work first.
30:05: You’re like, but honey, come with me.
30:09: Why aren’t you coming with me?
30:10: Yes, well, for me it was more like you got to fix your Self, you gotta, you gotta do that because look at where our relationship is, you know, like I’m doing my part.
30:20: What about you?
30:21: So I wanna just, I wanna just like, like, like, just my heart goes out to women who are in this position because it all comes from a good place where we want the best for our partners and we want the best for our family and everything, but the thing is like we only see where where a lot of these women are and where I was too is we only see things from one lens.
30:40: And, and that lens is still predominantly coming from our ego and our need to have things a certain way, our need to be loved a certain way, our need to have our life look a certain way, right?
30:54: And, and our husband look a certain way, so a lot of this is very subconscious, but, but, yeah, so, so with me and my husband as we, I was navigating this.
31:09: As I was navigating this, I, I, it just wasn’t working.
31:14: Like me trying to get him to change, me trying to like fix him and stuff, it just wasn’t working.
31:19: It was actually making my relationship worse.
31:21: And it’s, it’s ironic because doing this type of work is supposed to give you more freedom and more love and I got that everywhere else.
31:28: I got that in business.
31:29: I had, I felt the best in my body I had ever felt before.
31:34: But when it came to my marriage, we were just hitting the same roadblocks over and over again and if not even worse because I became more resentful because I knew what’s possible and he wasn’t stepping up.
31:46: , so for me, it’s been a journey to, to do some soul searching on that and to ask myself, ask myself, why am I so attached.
31:59: To him doing the work in the way that I need him to do the work.
32:04: What is it bringing up in me, you know, and that was, that was like simple.
32:10: It’s just this fear of being inadequate.
32:14: You know.
32:15: , if my husband doesn’t show up a certain way, then that means that you know I’m not enough when I’m not gonna have the relationship that I want.
32:23: So you know it’s like it’s all focused on me, right?
32:26: So I mean there’s so many layers to this, but I would say most recently what has supported me is in just understanding that that’s not his sole path and it’s and it’s fine like.
32:37: It’s fine.
32:38: What if it’s not a catastrophe for me at least, right?
32:42: It’s not a catastrophe.
32:44: What if, what if his soul path is to vibrate at at a certain place, like more in this, you know, in this world very like earthy, right?
32:54: And, and what if it’s a balance to where I’m at, which can be very like up here, right?
33:00: And what if that is like such a juicy beautiful harmony for our relationship.
33:06: So I’ve just been like sitting with that and I it also helps that I worked with a a psychic at the time who like looked into his, you know, his a sick I don’t know if I’m saying this but a cocksick records and everything.
33:16: She’s like he’s not meant to do you’re like wrong, wrong program here.
33:22: He’s just like, he’s just not, he’s not, she doesn’t see that that’s what he’s, that’s who he is.
33:27: So why am I going to fight who his soul actually is, right?
33:31: And what, and what he’s here to do.
33:34: And so that gave me a lot of peace, but then there’s also like the real world, like how do you navigate stuff in the real world and what, what I, the place that I’ve gotten to and this is what I teach my clients is, is that like it’s if he can meet your needs emotionally or at least most of it, like if you can create emotional safety in your relationship.
33:57: Then could that be OK with you that he’s not, you know, that he’s not talking about like astrology with you or like, you know, who God is with you?
34:08: Like is that, would you, could you have peace with that?
34:11: And the answer for me is like yes, like if we, if I feel safe and loved with him, I don’t need anything else.
34:19: You know, in fact, I think it’s actually helpful for him not to be up here like yeah I am.
34:25: One thing I think about is like my mom and dad’s story a little bit.
34:28: My mom, she found Christianity and she dove deep into Christianity and the Bible and church and she like so deeply cleared that my dad would go with her.
34:36: And originally it created so much tension and so much chaos because he was like, I don’t feel called to go.
34:41: I don’t want to go.
34:42: And she’s like, but I want you to go.
34:44: Like there’s so much for you to receive here.
34:46: And she wanted to bring him on this side.
34:48: And I think the minute that she like let go, now they go to church every single day together.
34:52: , not every weekend, but most weekends together and he wants to go to church and he wants that.
34:56: But to kind of bring this all, put the bow on the way you’re talking about, it’s like the minute that we let go, we give them space to find their way in whatever way.
35:04: But also like my mom wasn’t intentionally doing that so that she could be like, Well, let me like manipulate it.
35:09: I’ll I’ll act like I’m attached and then hopefully gets to church.
35:12: Like no, her intention was purely like, well, I’ve got to this place where My dad Lucho, like maybe he doesn’t end up going to church, but I will, you know, like I’ll keep going because I feel called to go and if he decides to go with me, that’s great.
35:24: I think that’s an example in all areas of life that we can continue to come back to.
35:28: It’s like, well, if I find it, that’s great, and I’m not gonna force it on him.
35:34: And if he feels called to come through, he will, but I’m also not attached if he doesn’t.
35:39: Exactly, exactly.
35:41: the way I the way I like to think about it is.
35:45: That your desires are an invitation.
35:49: They’re not a demand.
35:50: You know, they’re not a demand, they’re not commands.
35:53: If you’re in a dynamic where you’re trying to, you’re forcing your husband to do anything like it, it feels heavy, it feels sticky, it’s a lot of responsibility.
36:02: You’re gonna feel like a mom and he’s gonna feel like a boy and it’s like it throws off the polarity.
36:08: That’s not where you want to be.
36:09: That’s another way that women block, you know, connection and, and, and, feeling safe in their relationship.
36:17: But yeah, just desires or invitations, yeah, and like that’s the work though because you know it sounds simple, but the work behind that to let go of control, that is the juice right there.
36:31: How does someone start that process?
36:33: So I think a lot of women, not just women, say human beings, well, I would say women, we like to control things.
36:38: We like to, to expect things.
36:40: We want things done a certain way.
36:42: What are some practices that women can lean into to Like oh take the hand off the wheel a little bit.
36:50: Well, I think the first one is just having the awareness that does it serve you.
36:55: No, is it really serving love?
36:58: Like how is that going for you so far?
37:00: You know, just, just asking yourself that question because if it’s not going well, then insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result, right?
37:11: So I would say just test, just test what it looks like to let go of one decision a day and let him lead, let him fail, let him make the wrong decision.
37:24: That’s it, right, because in the long run that’s more, that’s a better investment for you in the emotional capital of your relationship than being right about something, being right about the right way to, to, you know, to get from point A to point B.
37:43: Something I love too that you’re speaking to when you were when you said, oh, it’s OK if he doesn’t want to talk about astrology or about this subject or whatever.
37:50: I think it’s so common to want to have all those needs met with our partner instead of realizing like maybe that’s a conversation you have with a friend.
37:57: Maybe that’s like a need that’s met, you know, in a different way.
38:00: Like my dad loves to travel, like he loves to go take photographs.
38:05: My mom’s gone with him a couple times, but that’s not her thing.
38:07: She thinks it’s boring, she’s a doer, and I’ve got to see this beautiful dynamic where she lets him go and be do the photography and like do those trips and has accepted like, yeah, that’s not my thing, but go do it.
38:19: like accept it, you know, and he finds friends that are into that.
38:22: He doesn’t get that from her, but he can still enjoy his love in his own way and she’s doing her own thing.
38:30: And I think it’s, that’s like a hard thing to remedy too sometimes because you want your partner to be into the things you’re into like you want to do all the things with them.
38:38: Yeah, I love that.
38:41: Because then I think again like the work always comes back to you.
38:43: Why?
38:44: Why are we, why are you attached to doing everything with your husband?
38:48: What is, what is it?
38:51: Is there a void that you’re trying to fill with that?
38:54: And that’s the work.
38:55: It’s honestly so and at a certain level it’s not even about him like it’s about you and it’s about your soul expansion and God wants you to feel whole and complete, you know, and sovereign, not to be, you know, God wants you obviously to have love and to be in like a beautiful healthy relationship.
39:10: But to have that, you got to be whole and sovereign yourself first.
39:14: Yeah.
39:16: What are some of the tools or like what are some of the things that you Start with to help women see their husbands or their partners as not just like you kind of like we forget their people that they’re having their own experience like where do you start with that because I think a lot of women I would imagine and tell me if I’m wrong are meeting you at the place where they’re at the last straw.
39:37: They’re just like, I’ve, it’s been 7 years and you know he doesn’t fold the laundry the right way, you know I’m out I’m out of here, yeah.
39:45: So what do you, where do you start with that?
39:47: Like how do they show up and start to see them differently?
39:50: Or how did you, yeah, I was, I’ll just also say that I love it when women come to me when, so I don’t love that they’re in that place, but that is my wheelhouse when women are like fed up and this is I’m like their last, you know, resort resort, you know, like they’ve done couples therapy, they’ve done plant medicine, they’ve done 15 years of energy healing, they’re a shaman and everything, and it’s like, come here, I got you, girl.
40:14: She’s like, what am I doing wrong?
40:16: Yeah, because, you know, I just want to speak to that real quick because I, I feel like I wanna give women hope because if you feel like you’ve been doing so much healing work, but nothing, but it just hasn’t really translated into your marriage and you’re like, well, maybe we’re not meant to be together.
40:30: What I wanna say to you is that you just been the work you’ve been doing is beautiful, but you’re using the wrong, it’s like you’re trying to dig a well with a, a spoon but but there’s another tool like there’s a golden shovel like right next to you, right?
40:44: hello, that’s me, right?
40:47: You’re just, you’ve just been using the wrong tools to and the wrong, you know, or the wrong guide to support you with your marriage, you know, you.
40:55: Yeah, the tools that we learned for business and personal development, they’re beautiful, but there is a gap in translating that into your marriage.
41:03: And so, so just a little sidebar, but your question was, where do women start to see their husband?
41:11: I, I think that oftentimes we, it’s hard to see your husband when we feel unsafe.
41:19: So why do we feel unsafe in what situations scenarios do we feel unsafe?
41:24: one predominant one is when we feel like when we can’t express ourselves, when we can’t express our feelings authentically.
41:32: So, my first, the first step that that I would invite women to start looking at is, is learning how to express your feelings to your partner in a way that, that is safe.
41:48: So in a way that he can hear you instead of feeling blamed.
41:54: That just frees up so much congested energy in your body because so often something happens like he makes a comment that hurts you and it’s just like stuck right here.
42:07: You don’t know what to say you and if you and anything you’ve said in the past would have led to a fight, but that’s because you haven’t learned how to express your feelings responsibly without blaming him.
42:20: So it’s so, it’s so simple.
42:22: It’s, and it’s a practice, but it’s literally like I feel statements, you know, like when you said that, when you raise your voice, I felt scared.
42:34: I’m not saying, you know, you know, you need to stop or, or like calm down or what’s wrong with you, right?
42:41: Those are complaints, right?
42:43: That’s like that you start like dehumanizing them when you speak in that way and they’re gonna shut down.
42:49: So it’s also just common sense, right?
42:53: so, yeah, first step is like learning how to express yourself because then you’re gonna start feeling safe.
42:58: And then the, and when you start to feel that the opening in your body just by being able to express how you feel, you have more capacity and more access to seeing him.
43:09: OK.
43:10: So So when you’re when that’s available to you what the the most simple thing that I can, I can share now is is just remembering that that there’s a, there’s a positive intention behind everything that he does like so if you can see him for his higher intention instead of the behavior.
43:29: So for example when my husband used to get road rage, right, he doesn’t he doesn’t that rarely happens now, but I used to feel mortified.
43:38: Because I used to make it mean that, you know, if he was more responsible, then he would check his emotions.
43:46: He wouldn’t, you know, get angry.
43:48: If he was more of an adult, you wouldn’t, you just don’t like lash out and you get angry and rage, right?
43:54: but So I couldn’t see his intention back then other than that he was that he was being a child, like literally.
44:04: But now, what I see when that happens is that he’s just trying to protect us.
44:09: I don’t like the way he’s doing it.
44:11: I feel more unsafe that he’s, you know, that he’s in this space, but if I can see that there’s good intention there.
44:20: That he’s trying to protect us.
44:22: And if I name that, you know, like I see that you’re trying to protect us.
44:28: Then, OK, I just disarmed him and I’m not doing it as a strategy, right?
44:32: I’m just doing it because I’m, I want to be really present with who he is and we start there.
44:37: I mean, I could go on and on, but no, I’m like, oh, so since you asked, just one more note on this, one more note because this is gonna tie back to what I was sharing before about women who’ve done this work, right?
44:50: And, and just feel stuck.
44:52: , a lot of times we do this, these, we have all these beautiful, healing modalities like, you know, energy healing and and EFT and and astrology, you name it, human design, right?
45:07: All of those things I find are helpful, but They, they kind of, they’re limited because it only shifts your energy.
45:17: What you really need to do is shift your patterns.
45:20: So you can spend 15 years doing energy work and energy healing and you know, have a 3-hour self-care practice, right?
45:28: But if you’re not changing the patterns of how you communicate in real life, you’re gonna be back taking, you know, needing 8 hours of self-care just to feel OK.
45:37: And so that’s part of that’s a big piece of how how I how I coach my clients is to support them in changing the patterns in your relationship so that you can see him more clearly so that he can see you more clearly and then you guys can have a productive conversation about changes that need to happen.
45:56: Yeah, like drop.
45:58: It’s so important because I think that’s the part, you know, I at one point was like I’m gonna coach people on communication because I think communication is the key, which I also don’t want.
46:06: It’s kind of like you hear relationship advice and you’re like, communication is the key, and like, well, what do you mean by that?
46:11: And it’s, it’s literally the essence, the frequency.
46:14: And how you communicate something, how you deliver something changes everything.
46:19: but also just like to your to reflect back to you, it’s also the intention that you have, like the presence that you have like it’s not a strategy.
46:26: Like it’s so easy to get into this place of like, well, I know how to carry a conversation.
46:30: Let me just pull this lever and let me just pull this lever and how do I deliver, because that’s not embodiment.
46:34: That’s not actually changing the patterns.
46:36: That’s not actually living and breathing and communicating through this new way of showing up in relationship and I’m so glad that you called that out and that you’re speaking to that because we even see that so much.
46:46: I mean, a part of our challenge that we recently launched, we’re like, I don’t want to create another course.
46:50: I don’t want to create more information.
46:52: I want to create habits.
46:53: I want to create change.
46:54: I want to create embodiment and we have to be willing to move through those things and.
47:00: It means kind of meeting your edges, meeting, meeting the parts that have a little bit of tension.
47:04: You’re like, oh, this doesn’t feel comfortable, but I got to start to shift it.
47:08: And it’s in order to shift it, you gotta start shifting it.
47:10: You gotta put some oil on there.
47:12: You gotta do things differently, versus continuing living in the same way.
47:16: So I’m just so grateful that you’ve been on to talk about this on the podcast because it is such an important conversation and the way that you’re talking about it is tactical real change.
47:29: , when it comes to relationship work, it’s so easy to hear things and say like, well, it’s supposed to look that way.
47:36: But how do I get there?
47:38: What, what’s the path to get there?
47:39: What’s the bridge to actually do that?
47:41: And today I feel like you really gave a lot of really solid examples on that process.
47:45: And you’re giving hope, I think, and your evidence that like you don’t have to leave.
47:49: You don’t have to, you could be at your ropes and and like completely shift your relationship and marriage.
47:54: Like you don’t have to accept.
47:56: If you’re not happy in the current circumstances, which I think is beautiful because like to commit to someone and want to go through life together and actually like break past the chapter where maybe it feels like there’s no next step is so beautiful.
48:10: Like that is such a gift to offer people that you don’t have to give up on your marriage, you know.
48:15: Yeah, thank you.
48:16: I mean, I, I can only talk about this because I’ve been through it.
48:19: Like I’ve been the, the woman who Felt stuck because I’m doing the work and my husband’s not he’s not even interested in couples therapy so I’m like, OK, well I, what do I do now?
48:29: You know, I have no, do I not have any choices, right?
48:32: If he’s not doing the work and I am, but I want our marriage to be better, then like, like I, I remember back then just feeling like just feeling so resigned, feeling like fine, I guess I just have to accept that this is my life, right?
48:47: And I wanna give women hope that they don’t have to actually, there’s another way and actually I think that this way is better than any other modality and, and what I mean is like by working on yourself and learning how to express yourself in a way that is, that is that inspires him to rise.
49:07: Like, bottom line, if you can do the work and create change and influence change without you, without forcing it, that is, that is so much power that you have and I don’t mean power in like power trip way, but like feeling empowered in your own life.
49:23: You’re not dependent on him to show up a certain way for you to feel whole.
49:28: You know, you have control over your life.
49:30: You don’t, you don’t need, there are no conditions for you to be happy.
49:35: Like you’re your own condition.
49:37: So I, I just want to give, I love giving women hope because This is they’re at like a place they’re at a threshold if they’re willing to step over this threshold and it’s in initiation into being the woman that they’re meant to be.
49:55: All right, well, as we, that was so good.
49:57: I just feel like this entire episode has been amazing and I’m so grateful for you.
50:03: And as we’ve been, as we start to wrap up a little bit, you know, something that we ask all of our guests, just, just starting to know where you’re at in your journey a little bit more, where do you feel called to be more fully expressed in life, love, or business?
50:16: Hm, that’s a good one.
50:21: I, I stay in business, I stay in business.
50:24: I feel like in, in love I’m like really expressed.
50:30: I know it’s like my husband is like, I don’t know who I’m gonna get like one day I have a I have a pole, you know, I’m a pole dancer and next day I’m a gardener.
50:40: And and so I would say like I would say in business and learning how to translate like what I’m sharing with you here in a way that that gives women deep deep hope and, and also inspire them to take action and and yeah, it’s like it’s a learning curve for me because I’m that’s, that’s not natural for me.
51:03: I like to, you know, not like to but.
51:06: If you know, any like tests I’ve done, any Myers Brigg personality test, I’m more of like an introvert, right?
51:12: And so I really, it’s like a stretch for me to be seen.
51:17: and so that is where like I’m really leaning into like my edges here and being like self-expressed and tuning into, OK.
51:25: What feels authentic to me.
51:27: I don’t want to try to be anyone else.
51:29: I just wanna try, I just want to be me and how do I do that?
51:33: In the, in the most, you know, in the most natural way possible.
51:38: I love that.
51:40: Yes, bring us more, share with us more.
51:42: I mean, just how you showed up today.
51:43: I feel like she showed up so beautifully.
51:45: I mean, you’ve expressed yourself so well and I think just how you shared it today is how people are meant to hear it.
51:52: And I know you’ll find your way on how you’re going to deliver that, but women need to hear this and like you and I have talked about this so much and like, especially in the entrepreneurship journey or the room that we’re gonna be in tomorrow, like all those women, you know, that are using their business as the way that things like they’re forgetting about their marriages sometimes and What if they get to have both, and I think at the end of the day we see that on the podcast.
52:13: It’s like so we talk about life is life love and business because we can be fully expressed in both, right?
52:20: We don’t have to pick one.
52:21: It’s just like us choosing how to find that.
52:24: Yeah, yeah, and I love that about you guys.
52:26: I love when I like tune into your podcast.
52:28: It’s just a variety of conversations, from business and relationship to health, and you guys are giving women,, like empowerment in all aspects of their life, not just business, you know, it’s a holistic view of their life, so.
52:43: , thank you, thank you for creating this platform, and I just really appreciate the both of you and appreciate being here.
52:50: We’re so glad you came.
52:51: Thank you.
52:52: Thank you so much for tuning in.
52:54: We really appreciate you being here.
52:56: If you enjoyed this episode, we’d be grateful if you could leave us a review and share it with a friend.
53:01: Also, we would love to hear from you.
53:04: Reach out to us on Instagram and let us know where you feel inspired to express yourself as you embrace this next era.
53:11: We’re here to support you and encourage you.
53:14: Before we go, we want to remind you that you are powerful and deserving of fully expressing who you are.
53:21: Embracing your journey toward authenticity is a vital part of that process, and we’re grateful to be alongside you.
53:28: If you’re looking to dive deeper and connect.
53:30: With others who celebrate their true selves, we invite you to join our community.
53:34: It’s a virtual space for connection and accountability where you can share experiences and grow together.
53:40: You can find the link in our bio.
53:42: We can’t wait to welcome you.
53:44: See you on the next one.
0:04: We’re your host Karenna and Samantha.
0:06: This show is your permission slip to stop holding back.
0:10: Here we talk about what it really means to live unapologetically you in your relationships, your business, and your everyday life.
0:17: We believe the most magnetic version of you is rooted in self-expression, honesty, vulnerability, and showing up fully as you are.
0:24: When you own that, you naturally attract the people, the opportunities, and the life that is meant for.
0:29: You guys, we have another exciting episode for you today.
0:33: We are talking with a powerhouse of a woman, Julie Tran, who is a marriage coach for coaches, healers, and entrepreneurs.
0:40: When we were sitting down interviewing Julie Tran, literally, I was like, I’ve done a lot of work in my relationship, but as I was hearing her speak and the way that she views the miscommunication, the assumptions, the things that we are all holding over our husbands or men.
0:56: It was just simply so eye-opening and inspiring.
1:00: This episode is perfect for you if you are craving for your husband to lead more in your relationship.
1:07: So maybe you are a high achieving woman or you always feel like you’re the one leading, but what would it look like for you to inspire him to lead?
1:15: Julie helps women transform resentment into what she calls gooey love so that they can serve from deep nourishment without needing their husbands to Do the work.
1:27: Her approach blends feminine energetics with practical, heart centered relationship skills centered on women becoming her and inspiring their husbands to rise instead of forcing them to change.
1:40: She creates a field of mutual nourishment and support at home, because when a woman feels emotionally safe, she multiplies love in the world.
1:49: She’s free to live her purpose, grow her impact and income, and model healthy love for her.
1:56: Children.
1:57: With that being said, enjoy this episode.
2:00: Hi Julie, how are you?
2:02: I’m great.
2:02: How are you?
2:03: Oh my God, I’m so excited to here.
2:05: I feel like we finally got to meet in person for the first time.
2:08: We’ve been talking on Instagram for like almost a year, a year.
2:11: We’ve had phone calls.
2:12: We’ve had Zoom dates, I know, but never actually met in person.
2:16: I know, I know.
2:17: So glad to, so great to finally meet you.
2:20: Yeah, I’m like she’s my people and like it’s time.
2:24: I love that.
2:26: And I wish that we lived closer together because I know you guys have amazing events and I’m like dang, you know, but one day, yeah, make it happen.
2:33: You’re not that far.
2:34: One of my friends just moved to Vegas, so I need to I’m gonna start going to Vegas soon more so literally can just pop right over, yeah, go to the club.
2:46: I know if the club is at 7 p.m., then yes, or if it’s like during the day and I’ll go and have some tea.
2:51: , I just thought we, we should create a real.
2:57: We’re like at the club, but we also have like the incense and I know that’s wrong.
3:03: No, that is literally the type of that’s you’re speaking my language.
3:06: We actually just went to Daybreakers in Los Angeles, which is a sober dance party in the morning on a Sunday morning, and it was so fun like, and I was telling her I wanted to do it for a long time.
3:17: They started in 2018 or 2019, and then obviously during COVID stopped and they brought it back and There’s just such a different energy when you’re not around like a bunch of intoxicated people, and everyone’s just like, I feel like people dance harder like they just go all out.
3:31: They’re in it and it’s like a static dance.
3:33: Yes, well, it’s just like DJ they were just having a good time.
3:37: Yeah, they’re just in it and dancing and it was amazing.
3:39: We need more of that.
3:40: That’s the future of partying, I think so too.
3:42: Yeah, yeah, it’s definitely I don’t know if it’s like this in Vegas, but it’s transitioning in San Diego.
3:46: Like people are now booking out DJ events and clubs are opening up at 1 so you can be out by 4.
3:51: I’m just like, wait, what?
3:53: Like it’s starting to happen where people are trying to do things through the day and not necessarily go into the night because you’re like, I still need to be in bed by 8, we my blue light lockers, put our face tape on, keep my face tape on and go to bed.
4:05: I love it.
4:06: It’s just like the, the, this gives me hope for humanity.
4:10: Yes.
4:11: All right, so in order to get started, we get to talk all about relationships with you, which is your favorite topic of all time, and I think starting with like your own journey within your own relationship, if you’re open to talking about that, which I know you share about it so much online.
4:28: I read your emails, and they’re just so good and so let’s start at the beginning of maybe like I don’t know what you want to say even before you got married or like the early stages of marriage, and how that was for you.
4:43: OK.
4:44: Are you guys open to me being like super raw and authentic?
4:47: Oh yeah, like no sugarcoating.
4:50: There’s no sugarcoating here,.
4:54: I would say that, you know, I’m your typical high, you know, high achiever.
5:01: My dream as a as an immigrant child like growing up with a family of 6 kids on welfare like literally in my entire family we all lived in one bedroom at one point in time with like our aunts and uncles in the rest of the bedrooms but so as a child, my, my dad, I always looked up to he worked in, he like he hustled his ass off he went to school full time and then also and then also like worked full time.
5:30: You know, taking care of a family of 8, but he always instilled in me that you can do anything that you want.
5:36: And so, so I always looked up to him.
5:38: He worked in corporate America and I’m like, I’m gonna be a banker.
5:42: Like I’m gonna be a fucking badass on Wall Street.
5:45: So I did the thing like I climbed the corporate ladder.
5:47: I didn’t do Wall Street, but I worked at, I worked in in investments and finance and I, when I left, I was, I was so I was there for 15 years.
5:53: By the time I left, I was the managing director.
5:56: So I did the thing, all the things on the outside it looked amazing like I checked all the boxes.
6:01: I had the, the title.
6:03: I had the income.
6:05: I had the big fancy house like my husband and I literally, we built our the house in our house in Connecticut in one of the fanciest zip codes like when we were, you know, when we were in our early 30s.
6:15: So all that’s to say like I was a climber, right?
6:17: , so, but everything looked good on the outside, but what people didn’t realize and don’t see on the inside behind the Instagram pictures is my husband and I were constantly bickering.
6:29: We would bicker about, about like shit that doesn’t matter, you know what I mean like did you wipe the counter?
6:35: How come you wipe the counter?
6:37: Why did you leave that out, you know, and like driving, for example, you know, like if somebody wasn’t driving the right way, it just felt like a lot of criticism instead of being on the same team, like a lot of, a lot of nitpicking and a lot of resentment.
6:53: I felt that I felt like he just If I’m being like super authentic here, I because you know, being on the other side of this and try and understanding, you know, where the blowups would come from, it’s because I had this impression of my husband that he was like he was just not man enough, you know, like I would have these beliefs like, you know, like if you were a real man, you would not get angry.
7:25: I’m doing the work to control my emotions.
7:29: I’m doing the work to get out of victim mentality, but you’re not you’re stuck in victim mentality and and this the normal day to day life together just seemed just felt really hard and so.
7:44: I’ll, you know, it got so bad that to the point where, you know, we were having, I remember this distinctly, we were having dinner and at that time my husband and I were foster parents and I don’t know if I ever told you that.
7:56: Yeah, we were anyway that’s a that’s another that’s another podcast episode maybe but but yeah we were foster parents for 2 years and we we had we were parents of two of our foster sons and so the older one I remember, we were having dinner.
8:14: And I was sitting at the dinner table, my husband was sitting on the other side, and I, I feel like maybe we had just gotten fresh off of a fight.
8:22: I’m not sure, but it was always something where it was hard for me to even look at my husband and be in the same room sometimes and my son at the time looked at me, he looked at my husband, he looked back at me and he was like, Mama, you shouldn’t marry him because it felt like we like I didn’t even like him, you know, so.
8:39: Yeah, that’s, that’s where we were and I say this, by the way, not to disparage my husband, because he is like my favorite human in the whole world, but I wanna just give everyone like my psychology at the time.
8:51: I felt like my needs weren’t being met.
8:53: I didn’t feel emotionally safe.
8:55: I felt like, like I was doing everything.
8:58: I had to, I had to take care of, I was the one that was like like the lead when it came to.
9:05: Parenting.
9:06: I’m the one that’s the lead when it comes to, I don’t know, like taking care of the house, finances, like everything.
9:14: , and so there was a lot of resentment and I felt like I didn’t have a partner.
9:20: I had like another child, right?
9:23: And so yeah, they, that just continued to manifest in us like not being on feeling like we’re not on the same team and we just bicker over, over.
9:33: Everything and nothing.
9:34: I think that’s very relatable.
9:36: I think a lot of women experience that and I see it all across social media of, you know, I, they want, they don’t know if divorce is the answer.
9:45: They don’t know what the answer is, but their needs are not being met and they’re wanting their husband to step up and be whatever their definition of a of a husband or a man is, but they don’t necessarily maybe.
9:54: know how to ask for it, but they’re in that same place.
9:57: So I think that’s super relatable.
9:58: Yeah, and, and also we block it too because that’s what I realized like I wanted him to be more of a man, to be more of a leader.
10:05: I’m tired, you know, I’m doing, I’m doing it all.
10:08: I’m tired, but I was actually blocking him from from stepping forward because I was controlling everything.
10:15: You know, I wouldn’t like let him make like a restaurant reservation without me approving it, you know what I mean?
10:22: They’re like take me on the date, but I want to plan everything.
10:25: Yeah and also like tell me how you and also tell me how you feel, but then, but then, oh well, don’t say that, like that’s too much, you know, so I had to do.
10:33: You know, I can go into this a more a little bit more later, but I have to do a lot of inner work and self reflection on what is it that I actually do want in my relationship, how what do I want, what do I want a cocoon to be how do I want him, how do I want to make my husband feel in the relationship and then actually like actually be honest with myself on, you know, where my, what my freaking shadows are that are coming out that’s actually blocking it.
11:00: And that is actually toxic to our relationship.
11:04: This is such a, I’m so excited to dive deeper because I feel like there’s so many women out there, especially the high achievers, the highly ambitious woman, the woman that gets shit done, you know, like I think in a lot of ways they have this like figure it out energy and When they’re in that energy, it, it’s almost like, well, where does, how does he show up?
11:21: What does that look like to him, you know, and then they don’t really find themselves in that point, but I’m so curious for you, what was like the wake up call where you were like, I don’t know what I’m doing.
11:32: I don’t know if I’ll be in this relationship or not.
11:34: Like what did that look like for you and How did you know that like things couldn’t be like this anymore?
11:41: Well, I I know that we were on the verge of divorce like 3 times actually like I almost I I almost broke up our engagement like we had the conversation.
11:52: I was like I can’t do this with me and Chris, like the thing that one of the biggest issues that we had was his, his anger.
11:59: And I feel like that’s not something that we talk about a lot because it’s like it’s tough to talk about as women, you know, but I’m just gonna say it like that’s that’s what we struggled with.
12:09: I I didn’t know how to be with my husband when he gets frustrated and would blow up over stuff.
12:16: I felt really unsafe and I almost broke up off our engagement, but he promised that he would change, right?
12:24: And I feel like this is what a lot of women deal with it’s like you, you know, you hear these promises, but.
12:29: It, it actually doesn’t, and maybe you get changed for like a day or a week, maybe two months, but we, we revert back or your partner reverts back to their old ways and you’re just constantly like in the cycle and And so yeah, 3 times I remember like wanting to call it off, but the very last time, the very last time I distinctly remember that I was, I was on a call with my coach and it my coach wasn’t like a relationship coach she was more of a life coach, and we were working on like self love but things in my relationship kept coming up and I said to her, you know, I, I’m so unhappy.
13:09: But I can’t leave because of the kids.
13:13: But I feel like I’m dying.
13:15: I can’t stay.
13:17: And it’s just like, you know, this just like sucks, this is my life, like this is just what I have to accept.
13:23: And she called me out.
13:25: God bless her.
13:26: She said, she said, Julie, you are acting like you don’t have a choice, but you do have a choice.
13:33: No one is holding a gun to your head.
13:36: You can leave or you can go.
13:38: You just don’t like the consequences of either one.
13:42: But if you wanna be a queen, if you wanna be the woman that, that you, you are calling in, then you have to learn to, to accept the consequences of your choices.
13:55: And so that was like one of those like mic drop moments for me.
13:58: I’m like, oh shit, you’re right, I’m not.
14:02: I’m just sitting here like being victim and blaming my husband, but really I’m, I’m not, I’m not owning the consequences of my choices, either one, right?
14:13: And so that was the moment I was like I’m going to stay.
14:16: I’m going all in my marriage.
14:18: I’m not gonna blame him anymore, and I’m going to do my best to show up as the best version of me possible.
14:26: That was a moment that changed everything.
14:28: Wow, wow, you’re like, OK, so what next?
14:32: Yeah, how did, what did that mean next?
14:34: Like so how did, you know, because I think there’s so many dynamics here that you’re talking about.
14:38: Looks like you took ownership and you started to want to change.
14:42: Sometimes it’s so easy to be like, well, they need to change.
14:45: They’re the people that they should be changing.
14:47: Why are they not showing up more as the leader?
14:49: Why are they not taking more control?
14:50: Why are they not doing things so focusing on you, like what did the shift start to look like within yourself?
14:56: Well, what it, what it looks like to to really choose your relationship is no more like blaming, no more like, like, you know, I no more of the the notion of like I can only do, I can only love him better if he loves me better.
15:13: I can stop blaming him or stop being defensive if he stops being defensive.
15:17: There’s like no more of that.
15:18: It’s actually.
15:20: Taking responsibility and like personal accountability every single time that there’s like a trigger that comes up, you get into one of your spirals and as it’s hard as especially initially at this point it’s like really like it’s second nature to me and it’s happened so fast, but initially it’s like it feels like you’re crawling through glass because you’re just shedding your ego and you’re like what’s going on?
15:43: This is safe, you know, is it fair to say it’s like you’re learning to love without conditions, you’re learning to be like I’m gonna.
15:50: To show up and love this person even if they don’t show up in the capacity I want or need them to.
15:55: I think that’s a part of it yes that’s like that is the the frequency of it everything is held in love but also love also love also means holding them accountable too love also means speaking up authentically for what you want and what you desire Love also means seeing deeper beneath their behaviors so my husband would get angry the version of me before would emasculate him.
16:20: Like I’m the first I’m the person that a lot of, you know, everybody has their own, you know, survival instincts minus the fight, you know, some people would freeze under those situations.
16:28: My, my, my reaction would be to fight back and I would cut him down, right?
16:33: But, that version we couldn’t see the human being underneath the behavior.
16:38: So love also looks like, you know, seeing who he really is as a man, but also not, not co-signing on behavior that’s not healthy.
16:47: And learning and I think this is the most important part this is where we can take where we take radical responsibility for how we show up in our relationship is learning new skills on how to express yourself in a way that inspires your husband to want to hear what you have to say instead of instead of him shutting down or or like you know or attacking you or whatever.
17:11: Right?
17:11: It’s a skill and I feel like, and that’s what I do as a coach.
17:15: I teach women how to how to express their needs and desires and in a way that inspires their their partner to rise because to me that creates emotional safety.
17:27: So like if you have a need and a desire for your partner to speak to you in a calmer voice, you can’t, if you approach it like.
17:35: Like the way I did, which is calm down, right?
17:40: He ain’t gonna listen.
17:41: Yeah, so love is, is doing the work, learning the skills and, and not just like the like what to say, but the the frequency of how you express yourself such that your partners feel seen and such that he feels like a human being, not, not the opposite which is dehumanizing him, right?
18:01: And, and that he wants to give you what you desire.
18:06: And beyond that, like you want to give him what he desires too.
18:10: So, I forgot the original question.
18:13: I don’t know where we’re going.
18:14: We’re already doing it and you answered it.
18:16: I think that’s ultimately what the provider or the man in a relationship wants.
18:20: I think women want to give it to you, but they do want to give to us.
18:23: Oh my God, nothing makes them more happy than to to make their women approve approve of them and be happy with them.
18:31: That’s like.
18:32: One of the, that’s another thing that I think a lot of women don’t understand is that you’re despite, you know, if you’re in a hard season right now and it feels like you’re not on the same team, and you feel like your husband doesn’t care, doesn’t love you because if he did care, if he did love you, then he would do the work like if you’re in that conversation, just know that he really does.
18:51: He loves you, like you’re his goddess, but there There are things that there are ways that you’re showing up that’s blocking him from giving, right?
19:03: Like there are ways that you’re not receiving, that you’re not seeing him, and it doesn’t motivate him to show up fully for you.
19:12: Can you give some examples of like the clients that you’ve worked with where people, the women, they are blocking themselves?
19:20: Yes, so I love this story because it’s, I feel like it’s so relatable.
19:24: So I had a client who, when she first started working with me, she She, I think she had like a, like a 3 month old or so, and she was on the verge of calling it off with her partner.
19:38: They’ve been together for 7 years and she’s tried everything like she’s like a legit like shaman, you know, trained and she’s a healer and everything, and, and she can support other people, but when it came to her own relationship, she was like lost, right?
19:53: And, and it was simple things like, hey, can you get me the diaper?
19:58: It would lead to a fight You know, and I think that if she were to tell the story to, you know, your, your average person, right, they would say like they would say, God, yeah, you know he’s an asshole like what you know why he needs to support you and and there’s something, there’s something wrong with this picture there’s something wrong with him but I hear that and what I hear is that he he isn’t empowered to support what I hear is that.
20:29: That, because you know she well she shared a little bit more about the story and like what you know how what his response is was and it was something along the lines of of you know I never do anything right so why bother?
20:40: You hear that a lot yes yes so it’s not about like him not wanting to support her he actually wants to but what she didn’t realize is how she’s been blocking him from supporting her because she’s been managing him.
20:56: Right, there’s a particular way she wants things done and if it’s outside of that, she’ll let him know.
21:03: So it’s energy like that where, where you’re not letting him lead and you’re controlling, you know, how he does things, that’s one of the most, that’s one of the most common things that I see.
21:17: , we had, we had this topic on marriage and in another conversation and below the post, you know, a lot of men commented on this particular reel we had and that was one of the comments that was like proliferated again and again is like why bother?
21:32: I can’t do anything right anyways.
21:34: Yes, and I think that’s something that I love to teach women in my programs is how to see their husband because in that moment he’s not feeling seen, not even just in that moment, it’s been happening for 7 years, you know.
21:49: So I love teaching women like how to really see their their partner and, and and then once they start doing that it’s like he just shows up as a different person.
22:00: It’s amazing.
22:01: Like my husband, for example, before I felt totally unsupported and whenever he would, whenever he would, you know, help me with the chores or something, there was this, there was this energy of like.
22:14: I don’t know, like blame, I think it’s a or exasperation, that’s what I’m feeling into.
22:20: So I felt like, I just felt like, you know, he wasn’t helping from like a, a like a happy spirit, right?
22:28: , but now he’s a completely human being, like, not, and it’s not even just about him helping me, it’s just like who he is as a human being.
22:37: Like before, he was very like stuck in like victim mindset like I was saying before, but now he’s like creating his own life, he’s like working out.
22:48: What I mean by that is that he actually cares about, about his quality of life.
22:54: And that’s not who he was before.
22:56: He was, you know, working in corporate grinding, constantly on his phone, constantly needing to be there for other people, which is like one of the beautiful qualities about him, but it left him really angry and resentful, and he took it out on the family, right?
23:11: But now, he’s like, you know, he’s taking care of himself, he’s present, he’s, he’s loving and he’s gooey and he’s like he’s the softest, yummiest person that like I know.
23:22: , that wasn’t him before.
23:25: So when you start to do this work, you start to see your partner, he gets to like grow into this human being that you’re like, wait, who is this, you know, yeah.
23:35: And I think that’s like one of the biggest gifts in a relationship because then you, you nourish him, then he starts to nourish you more and you guys have like this infinity loop of like of nourishment and then your marriage garden just like goes wild.
23:48: Oh, I love this so much.
23:49: I mean, I’ve seen this in sparks in our own relationship.
23:51: We can both test that like just so many things when you finally see them and you’re like, wow, yeah, I completely missed that.
23:58: And I see how you were showing up for me.
24:00: , and also I think the other thing that I’ve learned too is like the way that they show up is not always the way I want them to show up, which is kind of going back to what you said, but just like it’s so easy to get in the place of like, well, I show up this way, so I want you to do the same too, you know what I mean?
24:15: and then you don’t see at all how they are have been showing up or the way that they’ve been being there for you.
24:22: Like I know in a lot of our season right now with Nick in general, like we’ve talked about this so many times, but like.
24:28: I’m, he helps me out with the laundry.
24:30: I don’t do the laundry.
24:31: He don’t do the dishes and I just say thank you and I see you.
24:34: It’s so nice and so sweet versus I can get hard on him and say, you’re not helping me in this way.
24:39: And I think there’s always something for women, sometimes, like, even though if you get to that place where like, I see you, you are helping me, but I want more.
24:47: And so what would you say to women that are in that place where like, I know my, my husband helps around the house or he provides me through money, but I want more.
24:56: Yeah.
24:57: What would you say to that?
24:59: Desire everything and be attached to nothing.
25:02: Oh, say it louder.
25:03: What does that mean?
25:05: That means your desires are beautiful, that you want more.
25:08: Like that’s, that’s part of the feminine, you know, that’s what makes the world go round, right?
25:12: Like our desires, like the more we get, the more we want it never ends, right?
25:17: But it’s the attachment to having it and having it in a particular way at the right time is what blocks love.
25:25: Because when you’re in that place, there’s no longer, it’s more about you and your ego, right?
25:31: And I don’t want to say this, it’s not a disparaging way, it’s more just like, like the, the what is because if you really look at it, it’s more from a place of control.
25:40: And it’s not serving love.
25:42: So it’s actually a really beautiful inquiry for every woman in the space and me continually too is asking myself, you know, what is, what would serve love best here?
25:53: What does that mean?
25:55: And if you really investigated this.
25:57: , or I’ll just share like the place that I’ve gone to.
26:01: It is never about the thing.
26:02: It’s never about him growing the way that I want to or be me being served the way that I want to all the time.
26:09: It’s about what is in the best interest of his soul expansion.
26:22: Is a heads up.
26:23: We’re not telling the fly.
26:26: Yeah, I know.
26:32: I, I love that.
26:33: I used to do this thing.
26:37: But yeah, and I just feel like, and it’s not even about being a martyr cause I wanna just, I wanna just like just like delete that way of being cause I think that martyrdom is probably one of the The most toxic frequency in a marriage because it leads to so much resentment so it’s not being a martyr martyr it’s not being like a good person it per se I mean everybody wants to be a good person but you know what I mean it’s like it’s just more about like it’s just more about what works, you know what works because like if you, your husband knows that you got his back.
27:18: But no, no, you don’t got his ego’s back.
27:19: You got his soul’s back, right?
27:22: Like that’s a whole another game that you guys are playing.
27:26: And he’s gonna be looking out for your soul too.
27:29: That’s who you want on your team, right?
27:31: You don’t need somebody on your team that’s like fluffing your ego.
27:34: I mean, that’s, that’s nice sometimes.
27:35: Let’s see, but, but, but like if I know my husband is here to for my like greatest, and he wouldn’t say in these words because he’s not, you know, he’s not a coach and he’s not like in this work in the spiritual work as I am, but I know that he got my soul’s back.
27:51: I know that if, if I’m doing things from my ego that he would, he would feel it and he would call me out on it and when we’re so when we’re both you know calling each other up and and calling each other forward to our highest soul alignment I just feel like you can’t lose.
28:11: So true, you know.
28:13: I love this so much because I think sometimes as women I’ve done this too the reason I can say this is because I’ve been through this myself, but it’s so easy to forget that they’re also having their own soul expansion on this world like they are also here to figure out, figure out what’s best for them in this lifetime and to evolve and to transform or to heal or whatever.
28:35: And it’s like sometimes I think about it in the way of like, well, what, why am I trying to play God by trying to control the way that their soul is transforming and I’m like if I could just easily just be like, look, I will do whatever you need to support your soul and whatever you feel called to, that means I gotta take the hands off the wheel.
28:53: Like I’m not driving.
28:54: I can drive my car, but I’m not driving yours.
28:57: So like what does it look like just to do that and like the energy of that is like the unattachment and like seeing your husband or the person that you’re in relationship with and honestly any human in life knowing that they’re here to live their lifetime.
29:11: In the way that their soul feels called, why am I here to play God and change that for them?
29:15: Yeah, like that reminds me of how I used to, resent my husband so much for not doing the work, right, because he’s, he’s built differently.
29:24: So he used to when I started doing this work and doing healing and inner child work and, you know, taking responsibility for my triggers and my childhood and all of that stuff, I would, I would share this what I’m learning with him.
29:37: And he was like, and he was like, yeah, that’s good for you.
29:41: That’s good for you, you know, like, I, I’m good, like I don’t have any problem.
29:46: Like, but you get angry so much.
29:48: Yeah, you’re like, I know.
29:48: I’m like, OK, OK, yeah, keep going.
30:03: yeah, I can really go down so many women, especially when you start the work first.
30:05: You’re like, but honey, come with me.
30:09: Why aren’t you coming with me?
30:10: Yes, well, for me it was more like you got to fix your Self, you gotta, you gotta do that because look at where our relationship is, you know, like I’m doing my part.
30:20: What about you?
30:21: So I wanna just, I wanna just like, like, like, just my heart goes out to women who are in this position because it all comes from a good place where we want the best for our partners and we want the best for our family and everything, but the thing is like we only see where where a lot of these women are and where I was too is we only see things from one lens.
30:40: And, and that lens is still predominantly coming from our ego and our need to have things a certain way, our need to be loved a certain way, our need to have our life look a certain way, right?
30:54: And, and our husband look a certain way, so a lot of this is very subconscious, but, but, yeah, so, so with me and my husband as we, I was navigating this.
31:09: As I was navigating this, I, I, it just wasn’t working.
31:14: Like me trying to get him to change, me trying to like fix him and stuff, it just wasn’t working.
31:19: It was actually making my relationship worse.
31:21: And it’s, it’s ironic because doing this type of work is supposed to give you more freedom and more love and I got that everywhere else.
31:28: I got that in business.
31:29: I had, I felt the best in my body I had ever felt before.
31:34: But when it came to my marriage, we were just hitting the same roadblocks over and over again and if not even worse because I became more resentful because I knew what’s possible and he wasn’t stepping up.
31:46: , so for me, it’s been a journey to, to do some soul searching on that and to ask myself, ask myself, why am I so attached.
31:59: To him doing the work in the way that I need him to do the work.
32:04: What is it bringing up in me, you know, and that was, that was like simple.
32:10: It’s just this fear of being inadequate.
32:14: You know.
32:15: , if my husband doesn’t show up a certain way, then that means that you know I’m not enough when I’m not gonna have the relationship that I want.
32:23: So you know it’s like it’s all focused on me, right?
32:26: So I mean there’s so many layers to this, but I would say most recently what has supported me is in just understanding that that’s not his sole path and it’s and it’s fine like.
32:37: It’s fine.
32:38: What if it’s not a catastrophe for me at least, right?
32:42: It’s not a catastrophe.
32:44: What if, what if his soul path is to vibrate at at a certain place, like more in this, you know, in this world very like earthy, right?
32:54: And, and what if it’s a balance to where I’m at, which can be very like up here, right?
33:00: And what if that is like such a juicy beautiful harmony for our relationship.
33:06: So I’ve just been like sitting with that and I it also helps that I worked with a a psychic at the time who like looked into his, you know, his a sick I don’t know if I’m saying this but a cocksick records and everything.
33:16: She’s like he’s not meant to do you’re like wrong, wrong program here.
33:22: He’s just like, he’s just not, he’s not, she doesn’t see that that’s what he’s, that’s who he is.
33:27: So why am I going to fight who his soul actually is, right?
33:31: And what, and what he’s here to do.
33:34: And so that gave me a lot of peace, but then there’s also like the real world, like how do you navigate stuff in the real world and what, what I, the place that I’ve gotten to and this is what I teach my clients is, is that like it’s if he can meet your needs emotionally or at least most of it, like if you can create emotional safety in your relationship.
33:57: Then could that be OK with you that he’s not, you know, that he’s not talking about like astrology with you or like, you know, who God is with you?
34:08: Like is that, would you, could you have peace with that?
34:11: And the answer for me is like yes, like if we, if I feel safe and loved with him, I don’t need anything else.
34:19: You know, in fact, I think it’s actually helpful for him not to be up here like yeah I am.
34:25: One thing I think about is like my mom and dad’s story a little bit.
34:28: My mom, she found Christianity and she dove deep into Christianity and the Bible and church and she like so deeply cleared that my dad would go with her.
34:36: And originally it created so much tension and so much chaos because he was like, I don’t feel called to go.
34:41: I don’t want to go.
34:42: And she’s like, but I want you to go.
34:44: Like there’s so much for you to receive here.
34:46: And she wanted to bring him on this side.
34:48: And I think the minute that she like let go, now they go to church every single day together.
34:52: , not every weekend, but most weekends together and he wants to go to church and he wants that.
34:56: But to kind of bring this all, put the bow on the way you’re talking about, it’s like the minute that we let go, we give them space to find their way in whatever way.
35:04: But also like my mom wasn’t intentionally doing that so that she could be like, Well, let me like manipulate it.
35:09: I’ll I’ll act like I’m attached and then hopefully gets to church.
35:12: Like no, her intention was purely like, well, I’ve got to this place where My dad Lucho, like maybe he doesn’t end up going to church, but I will, you know, like I’ll keep going because I feel called to go and if he decides to go with me, that’s great.
35:24: I think that’s an example in all areas of life that we can continue to come back to.
35:28: It’s like, well, if I find it, that’s great, and I’m not gonna force it on him.
35:34: And if he feels called to come through, he will, but I’m also not attached if he doesn’t.
35:39: Exactly, exactly.
35:41: the way I the way I like to think about it is.
35:45: That your desires are an invitation.
35:49: They’re not a demand.
35:50: You know, they’re not a demand, they’re not commands.
35:53: If you’re in a dynamic where you’re trying to, you’re forcing your husband to do anything like it, it feels heavy, it feels sticky, it’s a lot of responsibility.
36:02: You’re gonna feel like a mom and he’s gonna feel like a boy and it’s like it throws off the polarity.
36:08: That’s not where you want to be.
36:09: That’s another way that women block, you know, connection and, and, and, feeling safe in their relationship.
36:17: But yeah, just desires or invitations, yeah, and like that’s the work though because you know it sounds simple, but the work behind that to let go of control, that is the juice right there.
36:31: How does someone start that process?
36:33: So I think a lot of women, not just women, say human beings, well, I would say women, we like to control things.
36:38: We like to, to expect things.
36:40: We want things done a certain way.
36:42: What are some practices that women can lean into to Like oh take the hand off the wheel a little bit.
36:50: Well, I think the first one is just having the awareness that does it serve you.
36:55: No, is it really serving love?
36:58: Like how is that going for you so far?
37:00: You know, just, just asking yourself that question because if it’s not going well, then insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result, right?
37:11: So I would say just test, just test what it looks like to let go of one decision a day and let him lead, let him fail, let him make the wrong decision.
37:24: That’s it, right, because in the long run that’s more, that’s a better investment for you in the emotional capital of your relationship than being right about something, being right about the right way to, to, you know, to get from point A to point B.
37:43: Something I love too that you’re speaking to when you were when you said, oh, it’s OK if he doesn’t want to talk about astrology or about this subject or whatever.
37:50: I think it’s so common to want to have all those needs met with our partner instead of realizing like maybe that’s a conversation you have with a friend.
37:57: Maybe that’s like a need that’s met, you know, in a different way.
38:00: Like my dad loves to travel, like he loves to go take photographs.
38:05: My mom’s gone with him a couple times, but that’s not her thing.
38:07: She thinks it’s boring, she’s a doer, and I’ve got to see this beautiful dynamic where she lets him go and be do the photography and like do those trips and has accepted like, yeah, that’s not my thing, but go do it.
38:19: like accept it, you know, and he finds friends that are into that.
38:22: He doesn’t get that from her, but he can still enjoy his love in his own way and she’s doing her own thing.
38:30: And I think it’s, that’s like a hard thing to remedy too sometimes because you want your partner to be into the things you’re into like you want to do all the things with them.
38:38: Yeah, I love that.
38:41: Because then I think again like the work always comes back to you.
38:43: Why?
38:44: Why are we, why are you attached to doing everything with your husband?
38:48: What is, what is it?
38:51: Is there a void that you’re trying to fill with that?
38:54: And that’s the work.
38:55: It’s honestly so and at a certain level it’s not even about him like it’s about you and it’s about your soul expansion and God wants you to feel whole and complete, you know, and sovereign, not to be, you know, God wants you obviously to have love and to be in like a beautiful healthy relationship.
39:10: But to have that, you got to be whole and sovereign yourself first.
39:14: Yeah.
39:16: What are some of the tools or like what are some of the things that you Start with to help women see their husbands or their partners as not just like you kind of like we forget their people that they’re having their own experience like where do you start with that because I think a lot of women I would imagine and tell me if I’m wrong are meeting you at the place where they’re at the last straw.
39:37: They’re just like, I’ve, it’s been 7 years and you know he doesn’t fold the laundry the right way, you know I’m out I’m out of here, yeah.
39:45: So what do you, where do you start with that?
39:47: Like how do they show up and start to see them differently?
39:50: Or how did you, yeah, I was, I’ll just also say that I love it when women come to me when, so I don’t love that they’re in that place, but that is my wheelhouse when women are like fed up and this is I’m like their last, you know, resort resort, you know, like they’ve done couples therapy, they’ve done plant medicine, they’ve done 15 years of energy healing, they’re a shaman and everything, and it’s like, come here, I got you, girl.
40:14: She’s like, what am I doing wrong?
40:16: Yeah, because, you know, I just want to speak to that real quick because I, I feel like I wanna give women hope because if you feel like you’ve been doing so much healing work, but nothing, but it just hasn’t really translated into your marriage and you’re like, well, maybe we’re not meant to be together.
40:30: What I wanna say to you is that you just been the work you’ve been doing is beautiful, but you’re using the wrong, it’s like you’re trying to dig a well with a, a spoon but but there’s another tool like there’s a golden shovel like right next to you, right?
40:44: hello, that’s me, right?
40:47: You’re just, you’ve just been using the wrong tools to and the wrong, you know, or the wrong guide to support you with your marriage, you know, you.
40:55: Yeah, the tools that we learned for business and personal development, they’re beautiful, but there is a gap in translating that into your marriage.
41:03: And so, so just a little sidebar, but your question was, where do women start to see their husband?
41:11: I, I think that oftentimes we, it’s hard to see your husband when we feel unsafe.
41:19: So why do we feel unsafe in what situations scenarios do we feel unsafe?
41:24: one predominant one is when we feel like when we can’t express ourselves, when we can’t express our feelings authentically.
41:32: So, my first, the first step that that I would invite women to start looking at is, is learning how to express your feelings to your partner in a way that, that is safe.
41:48: So in a way that he can hear you instead of feeling blamed.
41:54: That just frees up so much congested energy in your body because so often something happens like he makes a comment that hurts you and it’s just like stuck right here.
42:07: You don’t know what to say you and if you and anything you’ve said in the past would have led to a fight, but that’s because you haven’t learned how to express your feelings responsibly without blaming him.
42:20: So it’s so, it’s so simple.
42:22: It’s, and it’s a practice, but it’s literally like I feel statements, you know, like when you said that, when you raise your voice, I felt scared.
42:34: I’m not saying, you know, you know, you need to stop or, or like calm down or what’s wrong with you, right?
42:41: Those are complaints, right?
42:43: That’s like that you start like dehumanizing them when you speak in that way and they’re gonna shut down.
42:49: So it’s also just common sense, right?
42:53: so, yeah, first step is like learning how to express yourself because then you’re gonna start feeling safe.
42:58: And then the, and when you start to feel that the opening in your body just by being able to express how you feel, you have more capacity and more access to seeing him.
43:09: OK.
43:10: So So when you’re when that’s available to you what the the most simple thing that I can, I can share now is is just remembering that that there’s a, there’s a positive intention behind everything that he does like so if you can see him for his higher intention instead of the behavior.
43:29: So for example when my husband used to get road rage, right, he doesn’t he doesn’t that rarely happens now, but I used to feel mortified.
43:38: Because I used to make it mean that, you know, if he was more responsible, then he would check his emotions.
43:46: He wouldn’t, you know, get angry.
43:48: If he was more of an adult, you wouldn’t, you just don’t like lash out and you get angry and rage, right?
43:54: but So I couldn’t see his intention back then other than that he was that he was being a child, like literally.
44:04: But now, what I see when that happens is that he’s just trying to protect us.
44:09: I don’t like the way he’s doing it.
44:11: I feel more unsafe that he’s, you know, that he’s in this space, but if I can see that there’s good intention there.
44:20: That he’s trying to protect us.
44:22: And if I name that, you know, like I see that you’re trying to protect us.
44:28: Then, OK, I just disarmed him and I’m not doing it as a strategy, right?
44:32: I’m just doing it because I’m, I want to be really present with who he is and we start there.
44:37: I mean, I could go on and on, but no, I’m like, oh, so since you asked, just one more note on this, one more note because this is gonna tie back to what I was sharing before about women who’ve done this work, right?
44:50: And, and just feel stuck.
44:52: , a lot of times we do this, these, we have all these beautiful, healing modalities like, you know, energy healing and and EFT and and astrology, you name it, human design, right?
45:07: All of those things I find are helpful, but They, they kind of, they’re limited because it only shifts your energy.
45:17: What you really need to do is shift your patterns.
45:20: So you can spend 15 years doing energy work and energy healing and you know, have a 3-hour self-care practice, right?
45:28: But if you’re not changing the patterns of how you communicate in real life, you’re gonna be back taking, you know, needing 8 hours of self-care just to feel OK.
45:37: And so that’s part of that’s a big piece of how how I how I coach my clients is to support them in changing the patterns in your relationship so that you can see him more clearly so that he can see you more clearly and then you guys can have a productive conversation about changes that need to happen.
45:56: Yeah, like drop.
45:58: It’s so important because I think that’s the part, you know, I at one point was like I’m gonna coach people on communication because I think communication is the key, which I also don’t want.
46:06: It’s kind of like you hear relationship advice and you’re like, communication is the key, and like, well, what do you mean by that?
46:11: And it’s, it’s literally the essence, the frequency.
46:14: And how you communicate something, how you deliver something changes everything.
46:19: but also just like to your to reflect back to you, it’s also the intention that you have, like the presence that you have like it’s not a strategy.
46:26: Like it’s so easy to get into this place of like, well, I know how to carry a conversation.
46:30: Let me just pull this lever and let me just pull this lever and how do I deliver, because that’s not embodiment.
46:34: That’s not actually changing the patterns.
46:36: That’s not actually living and breathing and communicating through this new way of showing up in relationship and I’m so glad that you called that out and that you’re speaking to that because we even see that so much.
46:46: I mean, a part of our challenge that we recently launched, we’re like, I don’t want to create another course.
46:50: I don’t want to create more information.
46:52: I want to create habits.
46:53: I want to create change.
46:54: I want to create embodiment and we have to be willing to move through those things and.
47:00: It means kind of meeting your edges, meeting, meeting the parts that have a little bit of tension.
47:04: You’re like, oh, this doesn’t feel comfortable, but I got to start to shift it.
47:08: And it’s in order to shift it, you gotta start shifting it.
47:10: You gotta put some oil on there.
47:12: You gotta do things differently, versus continuing living in the same way.
47:16: So I’m just so grateful that you’ve been on to talk about this on the podcast because it is such an important conversation and the way that you’re talking about it is tactical real change.
47:29: , when it comes to relationship work, it’s so easy to hear things and say like, well, it’s supposed to look that way.
47:36: But how do I get there?
47:38: What, what’s the path to get there?
47:39: What’s the bridge to actually do that?
47:41: And today I feel like you really gave a lot of really solid examples on that process.
47:45: And you’re giving hope, I think, and your evidence that like you don’t have to leave.
47:49: You don’t have to, you could be at your ropes and and like completely shift your relationship and marriage.
47:54: Like you don’t have to accept.
47:56: If you’re not happy in the current circumstances, which I think is beautiful because like to commit to someone and want to go through life together and actually like break past the chapter where maybe it feels like there’s no next step is so beautiful.
48:10: Like that is such a gift to offer people that you don’t have to give up on your marriage, you know.
48:15: Yeah, thank you.
48:16: I mean, I, I can only talk about this because I’ve been through it.
48:19: Like I’ve been the, the woman who Felt stuck because I’m doing the work and my husband’s not he’s not even interested in couples therapy so I’m like, OK, well I, what do I do now?
48:29: You know, I have no, do I not have any choices, right?
48:32: If he’s not doing the work and I am, but I want our marriage to be better, then like, like I, I remember back then just feeling like just feeling so resigned, feeling like fine, I guess I just have to accept that this is my life, right?
48:47: And I wanna give women hope that they don’t have to actually, there’s another way and actually I think that this way is better than any other modality and, and what I mean is like by working on yourself and learning how to express yourself in a way that is, that is that inspires him to rise.
49:07: Like, bottom line, if you can do the work and create change and influence change without you, without forcing it, that is, that is so much power that you have and I don’t mean power in like power trip way, but like feeling empowered in your own life.
49:23: You’re not dependent on him to show up a certain way for you to feel whole.
49:28: You know, you have control over your life.
49:30: You don’t, you don’t need, there are no conditions for you to be happy.
49:35: Like you’re your own condition.
49:37: So I, I just want to give, I love giving women hope because This is they’re at like a place they’re at a threshold if they’re willing to step over this threshold and it’s in initiation into being the woman that they’re meant to be.
49:55: All right, well, as we, that was so good.
49:57: I just feel like this entire episode has been amazing and I’m so grateful for you.
50:03: And as we’ve been, as we start to wrap up a little bit, you know, something that we ask all of our guests, just, just starting to know where you’re at in your journey a little bit more, where do you feel called to be more fully expressed in life, love, or business?
50:16: Hm, that’s a good one.
50:21: I, I stay in business, I stay in business.
50:24: I feel like in, in love I’m like really expressed.
50:30: I know it’s like my husband is like, I don’t know who I’m gonna get like one day I have a I have a pole, you know, I’m a pole dancer and next day I’m a gardener.
50:40: And and so I would say like I would say in business and learning how to translate like what I’m sharing with you here in a way that that gives women deep deep hope and, and also inspire them to take action and and yeah, it’s like it’s a learning curve for me because I’m that’s, that’s not natural for me.
51:03: I like to, you know, not like to but.
51:06: If you know, any like tests I’ve done, any Myers Brigg personality test, I’m more of like an introvert, right?
51:12: And so I really, it’s like a stretch for me to be seen.
51:17: and so that is where like I’m really leaning into like my edges here and being like self-expressed and tuning into, OK.
51:25: What feels authentic to me.
51:27: I don’t want to try to be anyone else.
51:29: I just wanna try, I just want to be me and how do I do that?
51:33: In the, in the most, you know, in the most natural way possible.
51:38: I love that.
51:40: Yes, bring us more, share with us more.
51:42: I mean, just how you showed up today.
51:43: I feel like she showed up so beautifully.
51:45: I mean, you’ve expressed yourself so well and I think just how you shared it today is how people are meant to hear it.
51:52: And I know you’ll find your way on how you’re going to deliver that, but women need to hear this and like you and I have talked about this so much and like, especially in the entrepreneurship journey or the room that we’re gonna be in tomorrow, like all those women, you know, that are using their business as the way that things like they’re forgetting about their marriages sometimes and What if they get to have both, and I think at the end of the day we see that on the podcast.
52:13: It’s like so we talk about life is life love and business because we can be fully expressed in both, right?
52:20: We don’t have to pick one.
52:21: It’s just like us choosing how to find that.
52:24: Yeah, yeah, and I love that about you guys.
52:26: I love when I like tune into your podcast.
52:28: It’s just a variety of conversations, from business and relationship to health, and you guys are giving women,, like empowerment in all aspects of their life, not just business, you know, it’s a holistic view of their life, so.
52:43: , thank you, thank you for creating this platform, and I just really appreciate the both of you and appreciate being here.
52:50: We’re so glad you came.
52:51: Thank you.
52:52: Thank you so much for tuning in.
52:54: We really appreciate you being here.
52:56: If you enjoyed this episode, we’d be grateful if you could leave us a review and share it with a friend.
53:01: Also, we would love to hear from you.
53:04: Reach out to us on Instagram and let us know where you feel inspired to express yourself as you embrace this next era.
53:11: We’re here to support you and encourage you.
53:14: Before we go, we want to remind you that you are powerful and deserving of fully expressing who you are.
53:21: Embracing your journey toward authenticity is a vital part of that process, and we’re grateful to be alongside you.
53:28: If you’re looking to dive deeper and connect.
53:30: With others who celebrate their true selves, we invite you to join our community.
53:34: It’s a virtual space for connection and accountability where you can share experiences and grow together.
53:40: You can find the link in our bio.
53:42: We can’t wait to welcome you.
53:44: See you on the next one.
We cover:
- How healing yourself can catalyze transformation in your relationship
- Navigating and repairing miscommunications with your partner
- Inspiring your spouse to lead more (without forcing or controlling)
- Serving from deep nourishment, finding your own source rather than depending on your partner
- How to invite your partner to rise, rather than demanding they change
- Reclaiming emotional safety, setting loving boundaries, and shifting from wounded ego to authentic love
- Why many of us weren’t taught the skills to lead within marriage and how to build them anew
Connect with Julie:
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/iamjulietran/
About Julie:
Julie Tran is a marriage coach for coaches, healers, entrepreneurs. She helps them transform resentment into gooey love, so they can serve from deep nourishment—without needing their husband to “do the work.” Her approach blends feminine energetics with practical, heart-centered relationship skills, centered on women becoming HER, and INSPIRING their husbands to rise, instead of forcing them to change. She creates a field of mutual nourishment and support at home. Because when a woman feels emotionally safe, she multiplies love in the world. She’s free to live her purpose, grow her impact and income, and model healthy love for her children—the greatest legacy she can leave behind.
If you’ve ever wanted more safety, softness, and leadership in your relationship, this episode is for you.
Join The Fully Expressed Community, where you can be surrounded by other women who are also on the same path of personal growth, healing, and uncovering their authentic expression. Being in a community surrounded by others can truly be one of the most supporting and healing containers to support your personal invitation.
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The Fully Expressed Community: https://thefullyexpressedpodcast.com/the-fully-expressed-community/ –
The Fully Expressed Podcast with Karenna Website: https://www.instagram.com/thefullyexpressedpodcast/
The Fully Expressed Podcast with Karenna Instagram Profile: https://thefullyexpressedpodcast.com/podcast/
Karenna’s Personal Brand Instagram Profile: https://www.instagram.com/iamkarennasoto/
Contact Karenna: hello@karennasoto.com
