#101: Love, Leadership & Legacy: A Live Interview at Our Podcast Party

0:02: Welcome to the Fully Expressed podcast.
0:04: We’re your host Karenna and Samantha.
0:06: This show is your permission slip to stop holding back.
0:10: Here we talk about what it really means to live unapologetically you in your relationships, your business, and your everyday life.
0:17: We believe the most magnetic version of you is rooted in self-expression, honesty, vulnerability, and showing up fully as you are.
0:24: When you own that, you naturally attract The people, the opportunities, and the life that is meant for you.
0:29: Hey everyone, today’s episode is going to literally knock your socks off.
0:34: It is from our live podcast party.
0:37: You’re probably like, what is a podcast party?
0:40: So every single year we host an annual podcast party where we literally do a live interview and record a podcast in front of an audience, then we dive into some Roundtable discussions where we can actually get full support from each other and then lastly we actually throw parties so the guests got the opportunity to jump in the pool.
1:00: We had a DJs, people were dancing, we were mocktailing, so it’s like the perfect blend of business and play.
1:05: This year’s party, we decided to theme it around leadership, leadership in life, leadership in relationships, and leadership in your business.
1:15: And it’s so important to dive into this conversation because if you are listening to this podcast, there’s a part of you that craves to fully lead yourself in this lifetime.
1:24: But when you take it a further step forward, what does it actually look like to lead others as well on their purpose?
1:30: And where they’re going.
1:32: So the two guests that we had on, honestly, they were so amazing, so authentic and so embodied in what they are speaking about.
1:39: The first guest, Dakoda Londhair, is the founder of Speed2Close and Longevity Labs, which are both in San Diego here.
1:46: And he is an entrepreneur who believes that leadership isn’t about titles or tactics, it’s about alignment.
1:52: And when I tell you this man is fully aligned in his mission, he’s fully aligned.
1:57: You can absolutely feel it from his energy.
2:00: You can absolutely bring it from his knowledge.
2:02: He has put so much thought into this leadership discussion and shows up in it fully.
2:07: And then our second guest spoke about relationships.
2:10: His name is Ryan Morsby.
2:12: White.
2:12: He’s a relationship and men’s work coach.
2:15: He’s from Australia, so you know you’re going to love the accent, and he is the founder of the Inspired Man Project, a global personal development company that is helping men heal the boy and awaken the man.
2:27: Ryan specifically talked about what does it look like to have your relationship with yourself when you’re trying to really become an embodied leader.
2:34: He really took us for prize and it was really, really amazing and we cannot wait for you to hear the actual tactical steps that it takes for you to fully lead and embody the leader that you want to become.
2:45: We also ended up recording the Q&A at the end of the conversation, so stay tuned at the end because people ask some really amazing questions to both Dakoda and Ryan, and their answers blew us away.
2:57: With that being said, enjoy.
3:01: Thank you so much for coming.
3:03: Yeah, we’re so excited.
3:04: This will be interesting because it’s mainly a female audience and I usually cater to men and I’m like, work harder, do more, so this should be really interesting.
3:12: We have some you can bring it.
3:14: I mean, it all sprinkle, you know, which is why we have you here.
3:21: where do you guys start?
3:24: so we were we were thinking of starting like when.
3:27: Did you start showing up as a leader?
3:29: What did that journey look like, you know, off today we’ve talked about how you had this journey through sales, and that really brought you into leadership.
3:37: So we would love to know, like, yeah, give us a little background.
3:39: How did that, how did you step into that and what was the journey like?
3:43: Yeah, I think for me it’s it’s always interesting too because I think it’s important to define words like what is leadership, how do we define that?
3:49: Because I, I would assume if I went around and ask each one of you guys what leadership is, we’d all have a different definition.
3:55: So it’s it’s important to communicate what our definition of leadership is.
3:59: So, my definition of leadership is the ability to inspire somebody to take an action towards a common goal or outcome, right?
4:08: So when the first time that I was able to actually lead somebody was probably in CarMax.
4:13: I’m sure you guys have all heard of CarMax before.
4:15: So I ran their sales division for about half a decade.
4:18: and when I came into there, I was like 23, 24 young guy, went into sales, reached the highest level of sales, and then I went into sales management.
4:24: I was the youngest sales manager at CarMax, which was amazing.
4:27: And when I went in there, I came in guns blazing and I was like, I’m gonna just, I’m gonna make sure that all of our KPIs are through the roof and we’re closing deals and And then when I went in there to go inspire and lead these people that were 40, 50, 60 years old, and I was some 24 year old kid, I found out that it wasn’t as easy as I thought, right?
4:45: It wasn’t as easy as like, hey, let me talk to you about this KPI and let’s figure out a way strategically and logically to increase that.
4:52: so it was really about how can I inspire that individual to take an action.
4:56: So for me, when I went into the leadership component of CarMax, they flew me around the United States and I’ll give them a lot of credit.
5:03: So the year that I left, they did $32 billion.
5:06: They put a lot of that money back into their employees and their staff because that’s what grows.
5:09: It’s the life oxygen of the business, right?
5:12: because everything kind of revolves around sales.
5:14: If you guys have a vision, you guys have a purpose, and you guys don’t have a sales engine, it’s really hard to keep going.
5:20: So make sure that you figure that out first.
5:23: but yeah, in there, they really taught me that it’s managing the individual, but When I learned that I took out the word managing because nobody woke up in the morning saying, man, I can’t wait to be managed today.
5:35: Like, when’s the last time that you said that?
5:37: Nobody’s ever said that, but people have woken up in the morning and they said, man, I want to feel inspired today.
5:42: I want to be led today.
5:43: So what does that actually look like?
5:45: So when I’d sit down with these people, like a specific example, I sat down with this guy, Steven Cater.
5:50: He was probably like 44 years old, had two kids, and his KPIs were lagging.
5:54: So I was like, hey, Steven, I just wanted to chat with you and figure out like what’s going on, what’s exciting you right right now in life.
6:00: And he’s like, man, I really want to go on a family vacation.
6:02: My wife’s gonna kind of press me for that.
6:04: I’m like, oh, that sounds amazing.
6:05: What what vacation when you think about?
6:07: It’s like kids really want to go to Disneyland.
6:08: I’m like, dude, that would be such an amazing experience.
6:10: What were you thinking, like, what does that trip look like?
6:12: Right?
6:12: It’s this curiosity tone that I’m just pulling out.
6:15: And then through that conversation we mapped out an exact strategy of how he can get his kids to Disneyland, right?
6:22: So then every day we reverse engineer what had to be true for him to have this magical experience with his children, and I was the facilitator of that, and that’s when he felt led and inspired and that’s what then clicked and I was about 25, 26 at the time, and ever since then I’ve just been on, on a path to just lead and inspire people to take action.
6:41: , and then that kind of dovetailed in after the corporate world I went in to do men’s coaching work.
6:46: So, we had a men’s coaching program, and, and having men understand that it’s bigger than just crushing it in business.
6:53: You have to have a belief system.
6:54: You have to have morals and ethics that you live by, and you don’t want to be the public success and the private failure.
7:00: And like, what does that really look like to show up at home fully?
7:03: Yeah.
7:05: Yeah, well, I think so many times in life, especially I’ll just speak with the the masculine.
7:10: , not even men, but just the masculine, right?
7:13: We were talking about, you know, masculine and feminine.
7:16: The masculine to me is that what I call river banks and water.
7:19: The water is the feminine, and then the riverbanks is the structure that holds that water.
7:24: If you have no river banks in all water, you have a swamp, right?
7:27: And then if you have riverbanks, no water, you have a dry, a dry riverbed.
7:31: So we need to find a way to balance the two.
7:34: And when we speak to these men, all of them had a business operating system.
7:38: All of them were pretty successful in business, but none of them had a life operating system.
7:42: So it’s like, and how can we create structures and systems that then you can follow to then fill up with water and find your flow within that system and that structure, and it was providing it for these men so that they can show up better for their families, for themselves and for their business.
7:56: I think it’s so important to highlight for a lot of the women are here, like you might consider yourself a high achiever, right?
8:01: And a lot of us kind of lead into the masculine, so it’s so easy sometimes in a relationship, even as women to forget the things at home, to not focus on our partner, to only focus on the business, to wake up every single day and be like, this is what I’m committed to.
8:15: And so I think just highlighting that for the audience as well that, you know, even as women, we could lean really hard on the masculine and just get a lot of work done and work really hard all the time, but how’s home doing?
8:26: Yeah, I agree.
8:27: , one question I would love to ask you, how have you evolved as a leader?
8:32: So what are some lessons that you ran into, especially to the place that you are now, like really having your own businesses.
8:38: , I think my evolution as a leader has always been about, it’s a game of humility, like, never think that.
8:50: A, you’re the smartest person in the room and never think that you that you have it figured out because life is going to come at you and throw something that you never thought was going to happen and then you’re like, oh my God, what do I do now?
9:00: I’ve lost hundreds of thousands of dollars.
9:02: I’ve failed in relationships.
9:04: I’ve failed in businesses many times and I think that every one of us has a choice and it doesn’t matter how old you are.
9:11: You could be in your 20s, 60s, 70s, 80s, but when you have a failure in life, does that define you or does that make you better to show up more fully for yourself and for other people?
9:20: So each failure that I had was my mirror.
9:22: That’s why I always see businesses and intimate relationships is the most powerful mirror that you can have in your life.
9:28: There is nothing stronger because it shows you there’s nowhere to hide, and the more mirrors, yeah, you’re like, yeah, I didn’t want to deal with that today.
9:36: , but the more mirrors that we have in life, as long as we have the ability to reflect upon the things that are happening and divert our course if needed, right, because so many times, so many people are so convicted and rooted, but they don’t want to leave and change is so hard.
9:53: Talk about that.
9:54: Yeah, how do you navigate failure?
9:55: So like can you give an example?
9:57: Like how do you work through that and not give up or like move to the next day or when it’s time to change.
10:02: Yeah, I think.
10:04: I, I guess I’ll take this in two different ways.
10:06: So one in intimate partnership, you know, I had a, I had a failed relationship and, you know, I was the party.
10:14: There’s usually one party that’s fighting for and the other party that isn’t, and I was kind of that party that was fighting for it.
10:20: It’s like, no, I really want this.
10:21: And I was like, I, I, I’m so disciplined and I can overcome any obstacles.
10:26: So I was like, I’m just going to use that part of my brain to make sure that I win over this person in this relationship.
10:32: , and, and it didn’t work, and that was really hard because you want to make sure that every stone is turned over before you give up on things, but then I just started making up imaginary stones and turning those over too, and I thought that was my testament for love, and really it was because I was afraid to be alone, And when I ended that, when that relationship ended, I took 2 years, by myself to do my own work.
11:00: That’s when I, I left my corporate job.
11:02: I bought a backpack and I went to South America by myself and I did ayahuasca and different spiritual ceremonies and silent retreats and, I was really just trying to find like what was in me that was still true that, wasn’t put on to me by other people because we’re all being programmed.
11:19: Even me speaking to you guys right now, I’m programming you in some way, shape or form.
11:24: So it was really like at my true energy, energy in essence, like who am I as a person, so I went on this unlearning journey is what I called it my unlearning process.
11:32: And through that I realized that every, every failure is just pointing in a way that you can show up better for yourself and more alignment, and that relationship wasn’t in alignment or else both parties would have stayed.
11:45: so for me, I, I think any time that I that I reached we’ll call the point of failure.
11:49: I think you have.
11:50: have to check back in with yourself.
11:52: Riverbanks on water, I think that I, I am have this masculine drive, but sometimes you beat your head against the wall so hard and, and the door still isn’t opening that you have to sit and reflect in yourself and like really listen to your gut and listen to your heart, because that plays a role as well.
12:08: This is so good.
12:10: one thing I want to bring up that you, when we were chatting before when we met and like got to hang out and chat and talk about it, you talk about your businesses in an interesting way.
12:19: I’d love to know what that means for you because you think of business in a different way.
12:23: , so I, I basically break, businesses in the two categories.
12:28: It’s, finite games and infinite games.
12:30: Is anybody aware of infinite games, that concept?
12:34: OK, a couple people.
12:35: Infinite Games is, it’s, it’s a, it’s a game without a scoreboard.
12:38: The, the only point of an infinite game is to extend gameplay.
12:42: So there is no expectation of return, right?
12:44: That’s, that’s a beautiful, beautiful game to play.
12:47: So really what I kind of the analogy that I give people is is a sports one, but in the game of basketball, let’s say at the end, at the end of the game, there’s going to be a scoreboard.
12:55: Whoever has the higher number on the scoreboard is going to win that game and then you’re going to reset and you’re going to play the next day or the next week, etc.
13:01: and you just keep doing that, right?
13:03: So in infinite games, there is no scoreboard, there is no shot clock, and all you’re doing it is just for the sake of gameplay because it’s what fills you up with love and joy.
13:11: And I think when we, when we have alignment between our head, our heart, and our hand.
13:15: What do we love to learn about when nobody’s watching?
13:17: I’m sure you guys listen to podcasts and read books that has nothing to do with the business, that you have.
13:22: There’s something in there that you guys love to consume that you should explore a little bit further that might be an infinite game.
13:28: And then the heart is, who do you want to share that with the people that are around you, and then the hand is what active service with what you’re learning about and the people that you learn that with, what’s your act of service.
13:38: And if you can have alignment between between your head, heart, and your hand.
13:41: And then have no expectation of return because this is a finite game.
13:45: This is a transaction, right?
13:47: You give me something, I give you something.
13:49: This is an infinite game.
13:52: And when you find your infinite game, you become immovable.
13:55: All you’re doing is testifying your truth to the world.
13:58: And that was what inspired me to lead other people.
14:03: so, so that was the thing.
14:04: And then when I bracketed into these two businesses, finite games guys are super important.
14:08: I don’t know how many of you guys are entrepreneurs or own businesses or maybe that you’re working for other people.
14:13: Amazing.
14:14: Finite games are games of means to an end.
14:16: If I gave you a thought experiment, if I gave you guys a billion dollars, would you do the exact same business that you’re doing today?
14:21: Would you do that show up in the exact same way?
14:24: and if the answer is no, then you’re playing a finite game with infinite components, and that’s OK, because if I had a billion dollars, I probably wouldn’t do all, I probably, I wouldn’t be investing into Section 8 real estate and doing all these things, right?
14:35: Because those are just vehicles.
14:37: So finite games are vehicles and they’re cash engines, so that can fund a portfolio, that portfolio can then fund me dividends so that I can play my infinite games, and I reverse engineer what has to be true and how much money I need to facilitate my life through meaning and purpose.
14:51: What’s your infinite game?
14:52: , I mean, my infinite game is pretty simple.
14:55: Like, it’s exactly what I’m doing right now.
14:57: I love to just talk to people about, honestly, real shit.
15:01: I think too many times we like sugarcoat things, and I’m being a little bit more gentle right now, but like life is hard and life’s gonna punch you in the face, and that’s OK.
15:09: Yeah, you don’t have to be this is yeah.
15:14: , so yeah, so for me, I just, I want to take people that, you know, so many, so I’ve gone through a lot of traumatic events, and I remember a few years ago, one of my friends and I were snowboarding and he hit a tree next to me and was paralyzed now for the rest of his life and I’ve had again failed businesses, relationships.
15:35: I’ve had a terminal illness that actually turned out to not be true.
15:39: It was a false positive.
15:40: What a gift.
15:41: but for two weeks I didn’t know.
15:43: Yeah, so they’re like they like we’re going to do all this blood work and send it to all these different labs, and they’re I was like, when do I get the answer back?
15:49: And they’re like in 2 weeks I’m like, are you gonna send it to me?
15:51: And like, no, you have to meet in person because we don’t want you to hurt yourself if you find out like what, what it is.
15:57: Thankfully, I’d done so much work up until that point.
16:00: That was a few years ago, like 2 years ago, that I doubled down on my disciplines and my faith and my courage and, and reflected and, and I didn’t self-destruct, and that was super powerful.
16:11: And now I want to help other people that are in those similar traumatic like loops, right?
16:16: And, and Buddhism we call the cycle of Sasara, and they, and they get stuck in that loop and It’s a really lonely place and it hurts a lot and I, I never want somebody to go through that painting and that they’re alone.
16:27: So to reflect that back to you, your businesses fund this passion of yours.
16:32: Absolutely.
16:32: And then longevity labs is our infinite game, so we get to have this, these levels of conversation in longevity labs while I’m treating myself where we have all our recovery equipment, hyperbarics, cryo chambers, pickleball court, gym.
16:46: Like all this stuff, yeah, and it’s not a business, it’s just our office, but it facilitates like this beautiful environment that we can house people, have beautiful conversations, really mind our health and fitness, really mind our relationships to ourselves and others, and build businesses in the process.
17:03: I love what you said too because I think it’s, you know, also our mission of being fully expressed so many people are afraid to.
17:11: Talk about their trauma too deeply or to actually like go inward and analyze it, but I think the more you talk about it, the more you realize like we all have it.
17:20: And as you said, like you’re not alone in it.
17:22: And I think that’s such a powerful message and a powerful mission that you’re on because I think especially just as a woman reflects.
17:29: acting like men specifically do not typically have safe spaces.
17:34: Women have in history always come into community and supported one another and shared with one another.
17:40: And I think for men, there’s this almost like competition mindset versus creating spaces like that where I think You know, personally for me, one of the biggest issues in the world is that men don’t feel safe to be vulnerable.
17:54: And so they put on this like front or they’re, you know, putting on a mask or whatever they’re doing and so I just love so much that you’re creating this.
18:01: I think it’s so powerful and I think that these are the types of conversations and situations that more men need.
18:08: Yeah, 100%.
18:09: And I love when we, we have these like very like high level men come in and they might like have like 2 billion assets under management and they’re, they’re the big dog, right?
18:18: And then they come into our space.
18:19: We have a great time, then we sit down on a podcast and I’m like, you know, we, we learned about their childhood and I’m like, what do you wish your mother would have taught you when you were younger?
18:27: You know, what, what’s the most important lesson that you learned from your dad?
18:30: what do you wish your dad would have taught you.
18:31: And then they start to get thrown off like, oh my God, I don’t know how to answer this, and we can tell when they want to give us a surface level objection and then to go one level deeper, one level deeper.
18:41: Yeah, it just make sure it’s a safe space.
18:42: Yeah, like how’d you feel about that when she said that like that and then they they’ll keep we’ll keep digging, but I think in especially with men is we don’t have safe containers.
18:52: So like how can I hold a safe container where you could be your authentic self and to show up vulnerably.
18:58: But also too, I don’t want to get into this.
19:01: sometimes we could be trauma for where we like we like to wear our trauma as a badge.
19:06: and trauma, trauma just allows us, it’s again, another mirror that we can reflect on ourselves deeper, but then to go actually do the work, right?
19:14: Because it’s all about integration.
19:16: Trauma without doing the backend work and the integration is, is just your story with without any, any depth behind it, right?
19:23: It’s like, yeah, this person hurt me four years ago and so yeah yeah, yeah, you’re still holding on to this.
19:28: So how does that inspire you to move people and move yourself?
19:31: So it’s that kind of stuff that happens on longevity labs, and people aren’t used to it.
19:35: They think we’re like the workout guys and they’re going to have this masculine time and then we sit down and go deep.
19:41: I love that.
19:42: , one thing, one string I want to pull from like your intro and like what we’ve talked about in the past has been, how you show up as a leader in love without condition.
19:50: What does that mean?
19:51: Yeah, I think that for me, and I I think it’s important because I do believe that there, there’s kind of two different avenues, or I guess 3 relationships to self, right?
20:02: Because the first thing that you have to do if you want to lead other people is you have to be able to lead yourself.
20:06: Like that’s so important.
20:07: The first thing that you have to do if you want to love somebody else unconditionally.
20:11: So you have to love yourself unconditionally, which is really, really hard, and people always say that they want to be loved unconditionally as long as it’s under their condition, right?
20:21: So what does that truly look like?
20:24: and, you will be challenged on this concept, and I think too there’s intimate partnership and then there’s like your, your friendships, right?
20:32: Those, those have two different kinds of flavors to it.
20:35: but when you show up and lead is like, again, I always think like.
20:39: What I’m doing for this other person, if it was reflected back on me, how would that make me feel?
20:44: That that was a kind of a loop that I ran for a while.
20:48: So like make sure that you do onto others that you would do onto yourself.
20:51: But then I realized too that everyone has different love languages, right?
20:54: And my partner Bree over there has completely different love languages than me.
20:58: So I kept showing up as like, hey, this is how I’m going to serve you, but it wasn’t serving her.
21:03: It was only serving me.
21:04: It was like what like how I love and then I would just do that for her and she’s like that doesn’t fill my cup up.
21:12: So I think what you guys were talking about and especially an entrepreneurship with your business partners.
21:16: You guys have business partners.
21:18: I don’t care if you’re men or women, know their love languages.
21:21: Super important because my business partner knows my love languages, so he knows like when to feed me when he sees me like going low.
21:30: He’ll be like, OK, I’m gonna, I’m gonna pull this lever, this lever, and then lo and behold, then I come back to life.
21:35: so you need to do that in your business relationships.
21:37: Because business relationships are intimate relationships, and you probably spend more time in a business partners are always like, OK, you’re talking to Corina again.
21:51: I have to do it all the time.
21:53: She’s like, Nate?
21:55: Yeah, is that Nate again?
21:56: I’m like, yeah.
21:57: And I’m not allowed to talk to her in the car anymore when I’m with my husband.
22:00: Like that’s our time.
22:01: I’m like, OK, 100%, yeah, so just know your guys’ love languages and make sure that you lead that way.
22:07: This is something that I have to do a lot better job at is to make sure that I’m leading in in the ways that she wants to receive love, and, and that’s just been like kind of the, the big, I guess, next big challenge and obstacle for me is like, what does that really look like because it’s so foreign to me.
22:23: Because I’m not a words of affirmation guy at all.
22:25: Like, I don’t want to hear a compliment, which I know is like weird.
22:27: , I like acts of service.
22:30: It’s nice, but really it’s just physical touch.
22:33: so it’s like as long as the physical touch is there and maybe like you, you clean up the room, that’s about all I need.
22:39: I don’t need any gifts.
22:40: I don’t need any thank yous, anything like that, yeah, so pretty easy.
22:44: So how has that been?
22:46: Like what are you doing within yourself to bring that to your relationship?
22:50: Like what are some of the challenges you’re working through within that?
22:54: Yeah, I’ll, I’ll notice too, especially when I get done with business, I have this like a business energy about me so that I’m, you have to find ways to leave that at the door.
23:02: and that’s been, I think the best way to do that is, like find your ritual.
23:07: So like a ritual could be, I come home and I make sure the first thing that I do is I take a shower and I change my clothes and I take 5 minutes to just focus on my, my, my breath and my body and then that gets you kind of in a state of presence.
23:21: Because what Brie and I talk about all the time is all she really wants is my presence, right?
23:25: And how could you show up and be present for somebody if all that they’re thinking about is their day in business or what they have to do tomorrow.
23:32: So I think for me it’s just, you know, how can I find a ritual to get out of my head and back into my body and then show up in a, in a present way for that person, because if you do truly love that person, then you want to, and then understanding the unconditional part about that.
23:47: I always tell her to is just you can do and be whoever you want and I don’t care like as long as you’re a good person, like that’s just do your thing like I, I really don’t care.
23:59: so that that there’s an unconditional opponent component there.
24:02: It’s like I don’t care how you show up because I still have love for you no matter what.
24:06: If this relationship were to end, I’d still have just as deep as love for you.
24:09: , and I think that it’s really important to disrespect that into another individual.
24:13: 1 I.
24:15: Something that, yeah, can you talk a little bit about like your weekly structure that you do to support your relationship that we talked about?
24:21: Yes, I was like, I got about 7 a.m. yeah, so, so for us, the, the big thing that we’ve implemented is date night every Friday.
24:34: , it’s, and I, I tried to make it a weekday, but she knows how I am on weekdays.
24:38: I’m, I’m not as fun of a person on the weekday.
24:41: So like everyone gets in Dakota and I only get weekday Dakota, which is like a lot of size and a lot of work.
24:46: So I was like, all right, Fridays, you get in Dakota and I think it’s like when you’re, when you’re there for that date night.
24:53: It’s not the date night.
24:54: It’s how you show up at that date night that matters, right?
24:57: Who cares if you guys go to Chipotle or if you go to a Michelin star restaurant?
25:01: Like, did you show up?
25:02: So it’s making sure that we’re off our phones during date night.
25:05: We’re engaging each other with, depth with not like how was your day?
25:10: Like maybe it’s, it’s one level deeper like what’s really exciting you right.
25:13: Now, what are you afraid about?
25:15: Is there any fears that have come up with you in the past month, past year, in, in business or in life?
25:20: so that’s one component of it, and I think that there’s another one that’s the everyday, the monotony of life.
25:26: Like how can you show up for your partner and the, the mundane, which is really hard, and for her what she’s been coaching me on is.
25:34: You don’t have to be so extreme all the time.
25:36: It could be the little moments, how you open the door when I get out of the shower, maybe, maybe an eye gaze and, and a warm hug and an I love you.
25:44: Maybe that’s all that needs.
25:46: So it’s these, it’s these little, little things that add up to be really big things, where I think I’ll give you one hour of pure presence and it’s like it doesn’t have to always be that way.
25:56: So in the, in the weekdays, can you show up and and find those little moments?
26:00: Yeah, I love this just because I think, I don’t know anyone else is a high achiever.
26:04: I think about work a lot and I think about this in my partnership all the time, like how can I continue to show up for my, my relationship while I’m doing business and especially this last year like.
26:14: We put a lot of energy into the business.
26:16: Like we’re kind of in our sprint season of like this is a lot of new things.
26:19: We’re building things, we’re setting up foundations and it’s taking up a lot of our energy and so I just want to highlight that for anyone that’s creating a business or in it, you know, it could be so easy to be thinking about it all the time or not being able to turn it off before bed while you’re laying next to your partner, because one, you’re excited about the business, but What does it really look like to give your partner their full presence and healthy boundaries I think are important for you guys to communicate what those boundaries are.
26:42: I don’t do a great job, but she does it really good at communicating her boundaries or it’s like, hey, I don’t want you on your phone like at this time and doing these things, but I think in business as well too, I think there’s seasons for everything.
26:52: So you’re either in a health building season.
26:54: A wealth building season or relationship building season, and when you are in a specific season, it’s going to reprioritize your list of actions.
27:02: So if you guys are in a work sprint, any of you guys that are like, you really have to put your head down and just get after it for a little while, communicate with your partner.
27:10: Like I remember when I built, we built our second longevity center when I was talking to her, I was like, I know what it took to build the first one, and this is gonna be like pretty rough for about yeah for like 7 to 8 months like I’m gonna be in it and I’m not gonna be able to show up as much, but just I wanted, I want to communicate that with you and just know too because I might feel like I’m drowning.
27:31: I’m, I’m not running away.
27:32: I’m just fully deeply in this work and still we’ll try and find those moments, but just know if I’m in a sprint, you know, that it’s going to be a slightly different flavor, and can you honor that into each other because you said you loved each other unconditionally.
27:44: Absolutely.
27:45: I think with that we’re going to wrap up here, but what is your final like you have one piece of advice that would you give to someone that is wants to be fully expressed in both life, love, and business.
27:55: What’s one thing that you?
27:57: Yeah, I, I would say, I mean, if, if to the extreme level, what’s really changed my life fundamentally is there’s a quote from a Tibetan Buddhist monk ematrodrin, but she said, only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over again to complete annihilation can we find that which is in us that is indestructible.
28:19: Which is super tough because you have to expose yourself to annihilation again and again and again.
28:24: But if you guys really want to get to like your core energy and your core essence, then it’s through annihilation.
28:30: And a lot of times trauma is a trigger, right?
28:32: And it annihilates that that echo itself and it kind of all the walls that you built up come undone and what a beautiful time for you guys to rebuild, but not attach onto that new building because life is constantly evolving, it’s never ending.
28:47: So I love, I just for me, it’s, I don’t, I no longer like expect the unexpected.
28:52: I just accept the unexpected and to go through life with that, that middle ground has really helped like smooth the edges of, you know, the seriousness of what life can be, especially when like you lose people.
29:07: Amen.
29:08: So the last question we always ask every single guest we have is, and maybe you’ve already spoken to this a little bit, it might be different, where are you wanting to be more fully expressed in your life?
29:17: Yeah, I mean, right now, I mean, I just have such a north star towards business.
29:22: So I’m like, I, I have like this monetary.
29:25: I’m playing these finite games to get to this exact number and I’ve reverse engineered and I should be there in 2 years and I know exactly what it takes and what has to be true.
29:34: However, because of that, because I’m just so my my maniacally focused on this one goal, I don’t show up the best for myself and for others sometimes in in intimate partnership.
29:46: So I think the big thing for me is, you know, what would it really look like if I attacked, not attacked, we’ll use a different word.
29:52: If I showed up, if I showed up as, I’m gonna attack this I’m gonna win.
30:01: Yeah, if, if I showed up as for with so much as much effort and energy I put into a business, what if I did that into my relationship?
30:09: What would, what would change in my life?
30:11: And I bet you’d surprise us all.
30:13: Everything.
30:16: Thank you so much give you a hug.
30:22: Hey guys, Samantha popping in here.
30:24: Just to give a little transition from our talk with Dakota, which we hope you enjoyed to our next conversation with Ryan.
30:32: I think you will equally get a lot out of this talk we had with him.
30:36: Enjoy.
30:37: How has leadership evolved for you as a man and how have you grown?
30:43: Yeah, I love that question.
30:45: I see when we’re operating from the child, in relationships, in business.
30:52: It’s very much How can I avoid responsibility?
30:57: Or how can I take on more responsibility that I can actually deal with.
31:01: And that’s when we’re operating from the younger parts of us, the, the little boy, the little girl.
31:06: So my journey with leadership has really been working with those younger parts of me and healing them as they come up.
31:11: The, the, the boy who wants to take on all of this responsibility and just says, fucking yes to everything, so I can get the validation and approval.
31:22: or cause I don’t know how to say no.
31:23: I don’t know how to actually own that and, have that healthy level of shame of going, you know what, I don’t, I’m not actually in the position to say yes to that.
31:31: So yeah, say yes to everything.
31:33: And we’ll do everything to avoid feeling shame, so I would just say yes to everything.
31:38: So it was either taking on too much responsibility, or as a leader, responsibility being an overwhelming thing, overwhelming experience, especially in relationships, and business is a relationship game.
31:50: Like you, as Dakota shared, like there’s no separation.
31:54: We’re in a relationship with everything and every time, and it’s when we compartmentalize all the things in our life, business, relationships, our connection to self, that’s when it becomes a problem.
32:04: It’s all one thing.
32:06: And we get to see how we show up in, in business as a reflection of the relationship that we have with ourselves first and foremost.
32:13: So, for me, in, in leadership, it’s been healing the boy, healing the younger parts of me coming up.
32:19: And so I’m so passionate about this, because until we do, You know it’s a struggle and I love what Dakota shared about the finite game.
32:29: Yeah, that is it.
32:31: That is it from a man’s perspective, what does healing look like?
32:35: Like what did that look like for you or what does that look like for you?
32:39: We never healed, someone tells you that they’re healed, I.
32:43: Yeah, we’re not.
32:45: As long as you’re alive and you’re growing, you’re, you’re, there’s always parts, younger parts of you that are going to present themselves.
32:51: So what healing for me has looked like has, Build has been building a relationship with my grief.
32:58: And living in right relationship with grief in every moment in every way I lead my life.
33:05: What does that look like?
33:07: Being in right relationship with grief is.
33:10: Being able to.
33:13: Allow yourself to honor what the moment’s needing.
33:18: That’s an alignment with your truth.
33:21: Cause a lot of the times your truth will go against everything the ego wants.
33:25: And you could have all the success, all the money in the world, but I can guarantee you, if you sit for long enough in stillness and listen to your deep inner truth, if that business is not in alignment with who you actually are at your core, you’re living a false life.
33:42: And I, I know where that leads, I’ve worked with men who’ve exited, sold their company, liquidated for $500 million and they come to me because they lose themselves in their relationship, they lose themselves in their life and they want to kill themselves.
33:55: Right?
33:55: And I, I know where that leads.
33:56: I know where that road goes.
33:57: I’ve been down that road before.
33:59: So living in right relationship with grief, especially in business, is allowing yourself to honor death and living in a relationship with death.
34:07: And we live so disconnected from death in today’s society, so disconnected.
34:13: And it is the cause of the, the deepest pain and suffering we experience in the world today, and especially in in intimate relationships.
34:21: I think I saw one of your Instagram stories where you were saying that you were like grieving the fact that you just left LA.
34:27: So I feel like that’s like a very practical example of what you’re talking about.
34:30: Can you talk a little bit to that.
34:35: So what I was speaking about was.
34:38: I was in Texas for 2 months, and I’d met so many incredible people, I had had many life-changing experiences being there.
34:47: And leaving that, that was a very pivotal season of my life.
34:52: It was me, for the first time being here in America, coming over there, connecting with some of those brothers over there that I came to see, those relationships, everything that unfolded, to leave that, there was a, there was sadness there.
35:05: Who, who’s experience traveling before and you feel a sense of sadness, like, oh, I gotta leave I don’t wanna go home.
35:10: Yeah.
35:10: Yeah.
35:10: Yeah.
35:13: When we don’t create space to intentionally feel that, our heart closes just a little bit.
35:19: And it’s those subtle micro closures over a period of time that leaves, leaves us closed off to the world.
35:25: And in order to live a full life with your heart on your sleeve, you must be willing to grieve.
35:32: So until we cultivate this relationship with death, we don’t allow things to actually die and fall away.
35:38: We are not separate to nature.
35:41: Right, when we go through, when nature goes through seasons, goes through winter, a tree will push its own leaves off, so in summer it can grow new ones, cos if it kept those leaves, the tree would die in the winter.
35:54: And we’re no different.
35:56: And when we allow ourselves to honor our winter and go through that season, then we open ourselves to expansion and growth and to walk through the life with, walk, walk through life, with, with an open heart.
36:08: Yeah.
36:09: I think endings, endings are very difficult for all of us.
36:16: How do you want, yeah, you know, they’re like, I just want to feel happy every day.
36:19: I want everything to feel amazing, and you’re saying go into the depths of the death.
36:25: Where do you start?
36:28: That’s why I was back there listening to Dakota.
36:30: I was like, yes, get it, man.
36:32: I wish I was up there.
36:33: There was so much I was like wanting to, to jam on, but.
36:40: He showed before about The life that he had built, the business he built, the emptiness, and then he experienced a near death experience with his right friend, right?
36:50: Experiencing death, having it right in front of your face, seeing that relationship, then allowing himself to honor the death of the younger parts of him as seeking his attention.
37:00: Until we heal those younger parts of us, we grieve our childhood, we grieve the life that we’ve built upon the foundation of that childhood, we will continue to walk through life as that child.
37:11: .
37:13: It’s, it’s period.
37:15: Most people, I, I always say most men, but most men and most women are walking around today as grown adult children.
37:22: In relationships, in business, and their business becomes their trauma baby.
37:30: O.
37:32: Oh, I’d be so curious, like, as you’ve done your work and you’ve been having, even with yourself, like you grieving these parts of you really going to the depths of yourself, how has that impacted your romantic relationships?
37:48: I went through a very severe breakup 3 years ago.
37:53: And that was the catalyst to a lot of what you see today around the safe man, around grief.
38:01: It’s been 3 years of grieving, intentionally.
38:05: A lot of people will get to a point that like I’m good now, but I choose to go in and, and, and build a relationship with that pain, cause I know that.
38:15: In order to, as I shared before, walk through life with love and gratitude, you must also have grief in the other hand.
38:20: So I walk with love and gratitude in one hand and my grief in the other hand in my pain.
38:25: So that relationship 3 years ago was the initiation into, into the cave.
38:30: For 7 or 8 years before that, I’d learned all the stuff.
38:35: I’d read all the books, I’d intellectualized my healing.
38:37: I knew it and I understood it, but there’s 3 levels to learning.
38:42: Last one’s embodiment.
38:43: It’s the actual lived experience of, of feeling it and processing it.
38:47: And embodiment requires you to build a relationship with grief and allow yourself to enter that cave.
38:54: So when I entered that cave of that grief, it was, it’s been a 3 year journey of me coming back out of that and dating.
39:02: After that has been a huge realization that dating is you cultivating a relationship with grief, constantly.
39:10: You meet someone, you open something, you, you allow yourself to open and present your heart to this person, and you must be willing to let it go if it’s not right.
39:19: And this is why people stay surface level today.
39:22: This is why dating is so surface level because as children and because the lack of community now in society, there’s no ritual of grief.
39:32: That’s something that’s been missed in our generation.
39:36: And until we come back to that, we’re gonna become even more disconnected from our hearts, from ourselves and from each other.
39:43: So for me, I’ve just, I’m, I’m dating at the moment and I’m opening myself to a beautiful partnership and, Yeah, it’s a constant willingness to grieve and to be with that.
39:54: How do you balance that?
39:55: because I know, I mean, I’m in a committed relationship now, but I talked to so many of us in the audience that are meeting men, dating men, dating over and over again, opening up your heart, then getting it closed.
40:04: Like how do you navigate that part of like opening yourself up to love while also knowing that there’s a chance that you might grieve it on the other side?
40:12: That’s it.
40:16: Do it anyways anyways.
40:16: So a healthy system, so a healthy nervous system is one that can contract and expand, right, yeah, that, that fluidity, right?
40:24: Same with our nervous system, this is how we move, contraction expansion.
40:28: Everything goes up and down, contraction expansion and.
40:32: When you allow yourself to enter the depth of the cave of your grief, you no longer fear death anymore.
40:38: You no longer fear grief.
40:40: There’s some really important things with this as well.
40:42: It’s not just go and lose yourself in grief.
40:45: That’s actually the, the deepest fear that people have about grief is they’ll lose themselves to it.
40:50: And that’s because there’s no bottom to it.
40:52: You have to give your grief a bottom.
40:54: And what that looks like is you have to stay connected to the adult self while the younger self grieves.
41:01: What does that look like?
41:02: What does that expand on that?
41:04: Yeah, so.
41:04: , or maybe give an example.
41:09: I mean, we could do, do something like we could.
41:12: How much time do we have?
41:13: All the time for it.
41:13: OK.
41:13: 10 minutes.
41:20: Everyone, if you, if you feel safe, safe enough to do so, just feel free to close your eyes down and just grounding your feet on the ground and also if this feels too vulnerable, it’s OK not to go here as well, it’s absolutely right.
41:33: We’re just gonna take 3 deep breaths in through the nose with a sigh and a sound out of the mouth, fully in.
41:43: 2 more fully All the way in nice and slow out.
41:57: Connecting with the natural breath in through the nose, out through the nose, keeping your eyes closed.
42:05: Should have feeling to Feel into The first childhood home you can possibly remember living in.
42:13: It’s the first childhood home you can possibly remember living in.
42:18: See if you can picture it, locate where it is, remember where it was.
42:24: Me The school you were at at the time or the kindergarten or what was happening in your world in that period of time.
42:32: Where your parents were.
42:34: Saying that Childhood home and.
42:37: Noticing the driveway.
42:40: That leads to the home Seeing the color of the roof, the texture of the building, is it brick?
42:47: Is it wooden?
42:48: Does it have stairs?
42:49: Does it have a front yard?
42:51: Really taking note of this home, see how much fine detail you can notice.
42:58: And I want you to go ahead and walk through the front door of this home.
43:02: As the grown adult that you are today, walk through this front door, close the door behind you.
43:08: Should have notice what kind of flooring it is?
43:11: Should I notice the color of the walls?
43:13: She to walk through and see the kitchen.
43:16: What kind of kitchen What color was it?
43:20: See the fridge, maybe there’s pictures on the fridge or magnets.
43:25: Walk through into the living room, notice the living room.
43:28: Are there any pictures hanging up on the wall, what kind of TV did you have, kind of furniture, allowing yourself to go through the home and.
43:37: See the bedrooms.
43:40: Go down the hallway, see the bedrooms, your bedroom, taking note of what that used to look like in this home.
43:47: What was in this bedroom.
43:49: Beautiful, and now for a moment, I want you to see.
43:52: This little boy or this little girl.
43:55: Wherever they love to spend most of their time in this home.
43:59: Maybe he was in the backyard digging holes playing in the sandpit, or maybe he was in their bedroom.
44:04: If you haven’t found a place yet, just choose a place.
44:07: Trust the feeling, allow yourself to feel into this.
44:12: And I want you to go there now and see, see that, that little child.
44:16: See them doing their thing, maybe they’re by themselves in their bedroom, sitting on the edge of the bed with their feet dangling.
44:25: Or they’re digging a hole or they’re by themselves somewhere, I want you to go and see this child and I want you to say anything or do anything, I just want you to go and sit next to them and just notice.
44:35: And let them know I’m here.
44:37: I’m here now.
44:39: I want you to go ahead and Make a very gentle fist with your, with your left hand, very, very gentle soft fist, and this is the smaller the younger part of you.
44:48: This is that little child, that one that’s, By themselves doing their thing.
44:55: And with your right hand, I want you to feel into, this is your adult self.
44:59: This is the man or the woman that you are.
45:01: This is the motherly or fatherly energy.
45:04: And I want you to go ahead and hold, hold your fist with your right hand and hold that little boy, hold that little girl and let him know I’m here now.
45:11: I’ve got you now.
45:12: It’s gonna be OK.
45:14: I’ll never leave you.
45:16: I’ve got you.
45:17: And just letting them know anything, I want you to share with them 2 or 3 things that you’re proud of.
45:23: With them.
45:25: Letting them know I’ve got you now.
45:27: I’ll be back.
45:29: Going ahead and taking two deep breaths in through the nose.
45:35: Yeah, one more fully and.
45:41: Slowly, slowly opening your eyes and just taking a look around.
45:45: Orienting yourself back.
45:47: It’s through.
45:49: Yeah.
45:51: It’s a very, very, very gentle process of and something you can take away now of holding that little girl, holding that little boy.
46:00: And when you feel overwhelmed in business, or you feel anxious in your relationship that your partner might leave you or that you feel rejected or abandoned by them, go create space to hold the younger part of you that’s seeking your attention.
46:14: And that’s a very small part of the grieving process of, of, yeah, feeling it.
46:19: I would love, I would have loved to just simply answer your question, but I don’t.
46:25: Oh, that was so good.
46:26: I’m like, how do we transition?
46:29: I guess as we’re wrapping up, I would love to know in your life today, where are you feeling called to be fully expressed.
46:37: Or more fully expressed.
46:41: Yeah, I would say how I How I show up in general, like behind the camera, and so many people, millions of people see me on social media, online, YouTube interviews and whatever, but no one really sees.
46:57: You, I was on a podcast the other day and she was like, OK, rapid fire, what’s your favorite movie?
47:03: I was like, yes, let’s go.
47:08: Lion King.
47:08: Yeah.
47:09: And my boy came out and I was like, wow, OK, it’s time for the world to see a bit more of that.
47:14: Yeah.
47:22: We we can but you’re not fully, it’s hard to be fully in all of you.
47:26: So I love that.
47:28: Yeah, there’s, yeah, there’s there’s, there’s so much, you know, I would love to.
47:34: Go into around.
47:36: Like giving more context around like the wounded and a child and Reason why we hide these parts of us, but, yeah, also mindful of time.
47:43: You can, yeah, OK, I wanted to speak to this because some people might be left like, oh but grief and there’s no bottom to this, and so first of all, what we just did there is the adult self holding the the younger part, the little boy or girl, that that’s giving it a bottom.
47:59: So that’s you’re able to hold space for this younger part for you to grieve so you don’t lose yourself in it.
48:04: The biggest problem is when we can’t tell the difference between the boy and the girl.
48:08: We become enmeshed with that part of us.
48:11: So this is where It’s the little boy in the relationship that is literally operating from the emotional capacity of a little, a little cup, a little shot glass.
48:20: Yeah.
48:21: So when we create space for that part of us to be felt and to grieve, and the man, the man is infinite.
48:27: The man has unlimited capacity cause he’s not attached.
48:31: He doesn’t need anything from this person to reflect back to him, he’s self-worth, that he’s good enough, that he’s worthy, that they’re not gonna leave him, so he’s good.
48:39: And that’s how you hold safe space for someone, by the way.
48:41: , But the grief piece is that We as a society have become so disconnected from grief.
48:50: In traditions, in tribal days for thousands of years, forever, for as long as it’s been, there’s been ritual around grieving and death, right?
49:01: So if someone was grieving within the community, everyone knew about it and they all came around, and they also understood that that person is in this, this other realm.
49:11: And this person holds so much wisdom, so they actually celebrated grief.
49:16: But as a society, we’ve become so disconnected from grief because we’ve disconnected from community.
49:21: We’re so individual on our own island doing our own thing.
49:24: And grief is done, a real ritual grieving is done in community.
49:29: That’s why you come to things like this, you allow yourself to be seen fully expressed, which is so interesting because I feel like everyone is so scared to show those parts.
49:36: Yeah.
49:37: And that’s the thing, when you’re in community and you feel safe enough for those parts of you to come up.
49:43: Has to be the right community for those parts of you to be met with loving presence.
49:47: That’s all that child needed was eyes, loving eyes to reflect back that all of you is loved and welcomed.
49:54: A safe nervous system to reflect back that, yes, even though you made a mistake.
49:59: That love is not is not based on what you do or how you perform.
50:03: It’s here and the lesson is here as well.
50:06: And I think it ties back to what you’re saying too, which is like you got right within yourself.
50:10: And I think when you have yourself and you feel seen in yourself, you have way less judgment towards anyone else and you realize like you can hold people in a different capacity because you’re able to hold yourself in that capacity, which I think is what you’re speaking to of like going to those depths and going to the grief is how you get to that place where you can actually hold others.
50:27: Yeah.
50:28: It’s not a practice.
50:30: It’s a state of being as a result of allowing yourself to grieve and feel your deepest fucking pain and being held in that by a community.
50:39: This is why, so giving it a bottom is brotherhood, sisterhood.
50:44: But because we don’t have that, we give and we lean on our relationships to be the impossible support that can’t support us in the way that we actually need in our grieving process.
50:54: And this is why we lose ourselves in relationship and it collapses.
50:58: Brotherhood, sisterhood, to hold those younger parts of you too, to be held, seen and supported and.
51:05: Yeah, it’s what you said just then about I spoke about before.
51:14: The boy or the child in business is.
51:18: Either taking over responsibility or take or avoids responsibility.
51:23: The little boy or the little girl asks the question, how can I get out of feeling this?
51:29: How can I avoid feeling this way?
51:31: Whether it’s my own pain, so it’s overtaking on responsibility to avoid the shame that I’m not good enough, or it’s how can I get out of feeling this because this is too much and it’s overwhelming.
51:41: That’s the child.
51:42: The man or the woman is how much can I be with this.
51:47: Mic drop.
51:49: That was pretty good.
51:50: Yeah, that was so good.
51:53: yeah, thank you so much.
51:54: I feel like that was just like a good little wrap around to everything and now I have this practice where I can hold my little, my little girl, my little me.
52:02: Thank you so much.
52:03: And I’m so excited to see more of you, either online or in person and just like feel more of you, outside of the profession.
52:12: Yeah, thank you.
52:13: I’m looking forward to being more of me.
52:16: I think we all want to be more of ourselves, you know, we want to bring all parts of ourselves, which to us really means like the embodiment of being fully expressed because we’re like, not only do you express the parts that you love, but also the parts that you want to run away from, or what does it really look like to feel safe to be all of you fully, yeah.
52:33: Absolutely.
52:34: Yeah, it was so good having you today.
52:36: Thank you.
52:36: Thank you so much.
52:38: Samantha here again.
52:39: So after both conversations, we ended up bringing Ryan and Dakota back on stage for a Q and A, and that is what you’re going to hear next.
52:49: People ask some really amazing questions and their answers.
52:54: I think you’re gonna get a lot out of this.
52:56: So stay tuned for the Q&A.
52:57: If you were to have received something from your mother and father to help you process grief, what would it be?
53:07: For them to be able to process their own.
53:09: The health of a family system, the heart of the system is based on mum and dad, their relationship they have with each other.
53:19: But first, the relationship they have with themselves and their capacity and ability to feel and process their own grief.
53:25: My, my father couldn’t process his grief.
53:27: He had a lifetime of grief, and then the grief from the separation between the breakup between mum and dad, as a child, I took that grief on.
53:35: That’s why I do the work I do today, because I want to help so many people, because, right, at first it was coming from a place of, you know, I took on the responsibility of my father’s emotional experience as a child.
53:47: So I was taken out of my childhood because he can feel his own pain.
53:51: So it starts with that.
53:53: So he could have shown up for my mother in the way that she needed, so they could have had a beautiful, thriving relationship and we could have had our needs met.
54:00: Yeah.
54:02: Next question.
54:04: And my question is how Ryan.
54:05: So in partnership, when you’re in this moment with a partner and things are coming out and look at the wounded child, their children are activated within each other, this could be nuanced and different to each relationship, but would you say that in your experience it could make more sense for one person to be in.
54:30: Their wounded child and to be expressing while the other person speaks versus both saying, oh, you said this, and now it’s touching this part of me.
54:42: I guess it could be finding new ones, but you got this.
54:48: We’ll try verbatim so my memory is not what it used to be because of TikTok, OK, I got brain rod over here.
54:56: No, the question was in a relationship, a partnership, with when the wounded child is coming out in both people, is there advice that you could give on how to hold space for each other?
55:11: And do you, yeah, so is it shared or is it the responsibility of one person to hold the space while the other person is processing it.
55:24: Rather than both of you showing up in trauma at the same time.
55:28: A healthy dynamic.
55:29: Yeah.
55:30: This is where, as I shared before, a lot of people in relationship lean on their relationship to get needs met and this emotional responsibility that a relationship just isn’t designed for.
55:41: So, men having brotherhood, like, like real brothers who can hold him in his grief, and a woman having sisterhood that she can be held and supported by, for these younger parts them to be like really be with.
55:58: And unfortunately, I didn’t understand the importance of that until the woman I loved more than anything left me.
56:04: And I was like, oh, I was, I was not supposed to bring that to her.
56:09: So there’s a framework I teach called me, you, we.
56:12: So Partner aside, whatever it is that you need to cultivate that depth of connection to yourself, sisterhood.
56:22: Community, grief, you holding your little girl, deepening into that relationship, and you first, right?
56:30: Me, you, we.
56:31: Then, because you’ve got you, you can then be the loving, safe presence for him.
56:36: So me, now I can be here for you fully.
56:39: Right?
56:40: Where most of us, if we forget about us and it’s all about you, how can I solve and fix you so I can be OK.
56:46: As soon as we need them to be OK for us to be OK, it’s, it’s a problem because any disruption in their nervous system is gonna trigger us.
56:55: And we gotta be OK with them not being OK, and this is why it’s, it’s not, it’s not our responsibility to create safety in our partners.
57:03: It’s not a man’s responsibility to create safety in a woman.
57:06: It’s our responsibility as individuals, as adults to create safety in our own nervous system, and then be the safe space for each other to heal in relationship.
57:15: So, does that help answer your question?
57:18: Yeah.
57:19: Yeah.
57:27: You know, when you’re deepening intimacy with your partner and it’s going to be very natural that this comes up and let’s assume that those people have been doing their work, they’re showing up effectively, but it’s like, you know, you’re in a very tender moment where it’s like he did this, oh, that’s touching this piece of me.
57:48: So that’s why I’m saying like.
57:50: Is the separation of like how about I just sit back for a moment and let you do your thing and then hold that love it, close it up.
58:05: Yes, that makes more sense.
58:06: Did you want to repeat that or I just answer it?
58:10: Can I summarize it in like my words, kind of like saying like, OK, if this person, this partner doesn’t have like you are in partnership and then they’re in partnership, you are more regulated, you have more capacity to hold than the other, you guys both have the same capacity.
58:27: Both are both things are coming up for both of us.
58:30: It’s beautiful environment for healing if we do it right.
58:36: OK, did you get it?
58:37: Yeah, yeah, I got it.
58:38: OK.
58:38: I got it the first time I I think I lost it now actually.
58:46: I think it’s establishing like.
58:49: Yeah, she’s asking like, can you sit in the trauma and like try to be, yeah.
58:53: Yes, so yeah, exactly, it’s who’s whose stage is it right now, right?
59:07: And can I be with this fully, even every part of me wants to fucking, you know.
59:15: Can I be with this, right?
59:17: Me, I, and whatever that brings up within you, it’s how much can I be with this, and if I need to react, right?
59:25: Then it’s an issue, right?
59:27: How much can I, how much can I be with this?
59:30: Provide him, this is his stage right now, right?
59:33: And it’s, you know, important that he, he even communicates that, right?
59:36: That healthy communication, it’s like, hey, right now, like, you know, I would love to have the space to share something with you, right, the whole thing on healthy communication, but for.
59:47: You to then bring it to him at some point when he’s got the capacity, when he’s, his little boy’s not active.
59:54: Yeah.
59:54: So it’s just discernment when you bring things to the table.
59:59: Yeah.
1:00:01: Amazing.
1:00:02: Other questions?
1:00:04: Come on, Doctor Siggy.
1:00:05: I have 2.
1:00:06: I have 1 for each.
1:00:07: OK, let’s go with Dakota first.
1:00:10: I want to ask you specifically regarding Like business is jumping out of plane pretty much of being an entrepreneurs like jumping out of the flame without a if you’re, you’re sewing your parachute on the way down, like compartmentalize your time so that you’re not it’s not connected to this getting old to so many different correct and To make you as effective as possible.
1:00:38: Without that ADD field.
1:00:40: .
1:00:42: Do you wanna repeat the question?
1:00:44: Yeah, I, I think the question is, how do you structure your time so that you’re not running all over the place and spread thin and you could actually focus on a key objective that you’re trying to accomplish, right?
1:00:55: I think for me the biggest thing is, first of all, you have to know where you’re trying to go.
1:01:00: So you have to have some semblance of a North Star.
1:01:03: I always tell people, tell me, show me your calendar and I’ll show you your values, right?
1:01:07: So funny.
1:01:07: I, I was at, Christmas Eve with my family and I was like, family is my 4th, priority.
1:01:13: They’re like, Oh, that hurts so bad.
1:01:15: I’m like, well, look at my calendar.
1:01:16: If time is the most valuable resource, can we all agree that time is the most one of the most valuable resources, right?
1:01:22: Because it’s, it’s finite.
1:01:24: Then what you spend your time doing is what you value and prioritize, right?
1:01:28: So if I looked at my calendar, I would spend the majority of my time on business.
1:01:32: I’d spend some of my time on health and fitness, and then I’d spend a little bit on my family and relationship.
1:01:39: So in that season, I would say, I, I told them, hey, in this season, my, my value is such that I’m gonna prioritize business over family.
1:01:46: So I think it’s really important to understand what you’re trying to accomplish and what your priorities need to be.
1:01:50: Because if you’re trying to show up for every everyone everywhere, then you’re never gonna accomplish what you might set out to do, right?
1:01:56: So if you have this big audacious goal of like, hey, I want to accomplish these things, like the question I would ask is what has to be true?
1:02:03: What would have to be true in order for you to insert dream outcome?
1:02:06: What would have to be true when we play this thought thought experiment, right?
1:02:09: You might have to not go on as many vacations, you might have to work a little bit later nights.
1:02:14: You might instead of going to hang out with that friend, you might have to double down and get business done.
1:02:17: , and then it’s really important that we understand how to measure that, right?
1:02:21: Cause I know so many people that work so hard, and they’re like on a treadmill set to sprint going nowhere.
1:02:28: And I’m like, where are you, where are you trying to go?
1:02:30: So I think it’s really get to really crystal clear on like where you, where you’re trying to go and how would you measure?
1:02:35: Am, am I getting there right now?
1:02:37: Am I getting further or closer?
1:02:39: So every time that I have in like this event, I always ask myself, is this getting me closer or further away from my goal?
1:02:46: And everything that I do when that somebody’s like, hey, you should grab dinner with me tonight, because I have so many people, like I have like probably 100 text messages in my inbox right now, and so many people are trying to grab my attention and my time.
1:02:58: And then my filter for that is this is getting closer or further away from my goal.
1:03:02: And then if you don’t know what your goal is, then that’s step one.
1:03:05: And then you just have to realize that life is a game of sacrifice.
1:03:09: You will have to sacrifice some things to achieve something else.
1:03:12: so yeah, that’s how I answered.
1:03:15: Amazing.
1:03:15: What was your second question?
1:03:21: Well, they got space for yourself like to breathe, who you talked about.
1:03:25: How do you, how would you suggest?
1:03:30: are being So this is like a personal question for me.
1:03:34: Like sometimes I feel like I cannot look at.
1:03:38: I can’t step back and look at the situation from above, in a sense.
1:03:43: And when that happens, I lose that presence, right?
1:03:47: Because I can’t hold the framework that makes sense.
1:03:52: So how, how would you recommend being aware of that and catching that so you can kind of step back and look at it from the outside.
1:04:02: Yep, so what I hear you’re saying is, how can I create more space to be aware with what’s actually seeking to be felt.
1:04:12: Yeah, where you get caught up in it.
1:04:16: Oh, I need to be present now.
1:04:18: Oh, got you, OK, that you see presence as, Something that you only are sometimes.
1:04:27: Presence is, it’s a way of being.
1:04:29: It’s a way of being from being in right relationship with, your heart.
1:04:35: The longest road a man will ever go from is from his head to his heart.
1:04:38: Cause that, you have to navigate the wounded ego of the of the little boy.
1:04:42: To create space for you to be more with this, right?
1:04:46: So what that looks like is cultivating a relationship with your breath, creating more of a window.
1:04:52: It sounds like you’ve got a lot going on.
1:04:54: Yeah.
1:04:55: Creating more, creating more spaciousness in your life to be present with what’s actually seeking your attention.
1:05:03: So a big thing would be, be spaciousness.
1:05:06: So within.
1:05:07: , my calendar, it’s, I’ll have big blocks of time.
1:05:11: I’ve built my and created my life like that for a reason, but wherever you can, however you can, creating spaciousness for just solitude and stillness and cultivating a relationship with your breath.
1:05:22: That’s gonna be one of, yeah, probably the best practical things you can do to start getting out of here.
1:05:28: Yeah.
1:05:29: And when you get out of here, you’re gonna be able to create more separation, and instead of two things, Perspective, sorry, perception is when we’re looking through the eyes, like the, the, the lenses of the boy.
1:05:43: And typically it’s a boy, it’s got, I gotta do all of these things, right?
1:05:47: I gotta get all this stuff done cause I’m avoiding the maybe potentially the shame that I’m not good enough.
1:05:52: So I’ve gotta fill my life with all of this stuff.
1:05:55: So your, perception is those are the lenses that you’re looking through.
1:06:00: But when you create enough stillness to get out of the head and build a relationship with your heart, You gain perspective, right, then you can see, oh, that’s actually what’s beneath the need to fill my calendar with all of this stuff, and then you’ll be able to be very discerning where you direct your time and energy.
1:06:18: Yeah.
1:06:19: Awesome.
1:06:20: Can I share two quotes on that too that I really like.
1:06:23: one of them is it’s, it’s hard to read the label when you’re inside the bottle, and sometimes you need people from the outside to look in, especially when, when you’re inside, right?
1:06:32: It’s, it’s, it’s so hard to zoom out when you’re inside the bottle, and then the other thing is the space between the notes creates the music.
1:06:40: So if you look at like literally a music sheet, there’s specific spaces on each thing that creates that song and if you have music notes with no space, it’s just jumbled noise.
1:06:51: So I always try and realize in my life too when I’m making jumbled noise for too long, which will happen, that I need to create space intentionally in the, in the space between the notes is what creates the song.
1:07:02: With that, so good.
1:07:05: Thank you guys.
1:07:06: So you have a question?
1:07:07: Yeah, OK, go.
1:07:08: Dakota, I love when you spoke on leadership, the question of leadership, and first thing you said is like how to define leadership.
1:07:16: when you talked about infinite game and finite game, like I thought about purpose, you know, so many men think about like how do I find purpose good little eeky guy, Eagle world, what can I bring in and it’s there’s, I see so many men, maybe a lot of women here that are freaking like.
1:07:32: How I align the purpose?
1:07:34: What, what’s the purpose for curious to help.
1:07:36: What’s your definition of that?
1:07:37: And I guess I’m, I’m a little confused, like, is it infinite game or is it finite?
1:07:43: Yeah, yeah, it’s always a little bit of both, for sure.
1:07:47: and I, I think sometimes people get caught up in their finite games, and when they’re in their finite game, they don’t realize that there’s a lot of infinite components in a finite game.
1:07:56: When I was managing CarMax, well, guess what I was doing was I managing sales consultants and KPIs and making sure numbers are hit, yes, but what was I doing inside the company?
1:08:04: I was leading and inspiring other people so that they could unlock parts of themselves that they didn’t have before, so that they could provide for their family.
1:08:11: There’s infinite, there’s always infinite components in finite games.
1:08:15: so for me too, the, the purpose is like mine’s going to be so simple.
1:08:18: It’s it’s, it is what you make it.
1:08:20: Like what fills you up with love and joy when nobody’s looking, right?
1:08:22: Like what, what moves you to move.
1:08:24: So I have a North Star question.
1:08:26: And it’s 3 questions and it’s rhetorical, but what gets you out of bed in the morning?
1:08:29: Like what moves you to move?
1:08:31: And it can’t be my job.
1:08:32: I have a kid, I have to do this, this action or this task.
1:08:35: It literally just what, what moves you to move.
1:08:37: The second thing is, what impact or service do you want to have on the world?
1:08:41: And that world, you have to define what that world is.
1:08:43: It could be a small community, it could be your, your family, or it could be the world at scale.
1:08:49: You have to define what you want that scale to be.
1:08:51: And then the last thing is, how do you define success?
1:08:54: If I were to find you on your deathbed at the end of your life, and I’d say, ask you to define success, what would, what would you say to me?
1:09:01: And through those questions, what moves you to move, what gets you out of bed in the morning, what impact or service you want to have, and how you define success is your, is your compass.
1:09:10: That’s your north star.
1:09:12: And then go to the things that feel in alignment, which means it fills your soul up with love and joy.
1:09:16: It could be that simple, and it’s gonna take on different names and, and have different, you know, you’re gonna have different visions throughout your life, but you just not get stuck on to something, you know what I mean?
1:09:24: So just, you know, being present in that moment and asking those three questions.
1:09:31: We.
1:09:33: Awesome.
1:09:34: Thank you.
1:09:36: Thank you guys so much.
1:09:37: You can’t hear me, but thank you guys so much.
1:09:40: Yeah, thank you guys for listening.
1:09:42: I really appreciate it.
1:09:43: We appreciate you.
1:09:44: Can you say something?
1:09:44: I can’t.
1:09:45: Yes, I will speak.
1:09:47: no, it means the world to us, something and I care so deeply and Ryan spoke to it too, as did Dakota is just creating spaces where you can be real and you can be deep and you can talk about heavy shit and you can hold heavy shit.
1:09:59: And I think as Ryan pointed out, we live in a very superficial world and we prioritize the wrong things and I think we need to flip the script and start being more real because we’d realized we have so much more in common and so spaces like this just bring us closer together and I think without mentioning all the shit happening in the world that’s going on right now.
1:10:20: Now just a few things.
1:10:21: I think we’re recognizing that like we actually need each other.
1:10:25: And so Cren and I have made a mission in our mission to create more spaces where every single person can feel safe to be seen.
1:10:32: So you are all safe to fully show up as yourself in these spaces, men, women, we want more men.
1:10:38: We love men like you.
1:10:39: Yeah, we wanna see, we need to like come together.
1:10:43: Thank you so much for tuning in.
1:10:44: We really appreciate you being here.
1:10:46: If you enjoyed this episode, we’d be grateful if you could leave us a review and share it with a friend.
1:10:52: Also, we would love to hear from you.
1:10:54: Reach out to us on Instagram and let us know where you feel inspired to express yourself as you embrace this next era.
1:11:01: We’re here to support you and encourage you.
1:11:04: Before we go, we want to remind you that you are powerful and deserving of fully expressing who you are.
1:11:11: Embracing your journey toward authenticity is a vital part of that process, and we’re grateful to be alongside you.
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